I never in a million years thought I’d be writing a blog post about wind. And I’m not talking a fresh breeze across your face or a gust of wind blowing through your hair and making you look like a model standing in front of a giant fan.
I’m talking about flatulence… Or in my case, lack of!
I’m not a particularly windy person. Hubby seems to let rip morning noon and night at great volume and length and with a manly sense of pride. It’s how I know he’s awake in the mornings, it comes shortly before “do you fancy getting me a coffee?”. Sometimes he even makes himself choke and gag at his own stench!
Bunny in true kid style, finds farting absolutely hilarious but luckily doesn’t have the seemingly horrendous digestive traits of daddy.
For me on the other hand, it is a rarity that I find embarrassing humiliating and on those rare occasions it happens in a public place, it is usually at the most awkward and insensitive moment possible.
However these last few weeks of pregnancy I have been suffering terrible cramps, which annoyingly feel a lot like contractions… but they aren’t! I can suffer anywhere from twenty minutes to 8 hours of cramping thanks to trapped wind. Today is one of those days and I have never wanted so badly to fart in all my life. I don’t even care who it’s in front of, I just need some relief! I’m pretty sure I have built up so much pressure in my stomach that if I went into labour I could just fart these babies out. Switch my midwife for a pro basketball player and I will rocket propel these sprogettes out of my uterus at the speed of light!
In other disgusting, TMI-styley news…
I was back in hospital for more tests today. I am finding it beyond a joke when they give you a tiny bottle to pee in when you have a stomach so big you can barely reach your knickers let alone see where you need to aim. So I nick those manky cardboard things to pee in and then have a decanting operation going on in order to fill their bottles. Today I had an unfortunate mishap where mid-decant I slipped and poured the whole bowl of urine over my own hand! I wasn’t impressed at all. I was even less impressed when the midwife later admitted she’d given me the wrong coloured bottle and she needed me to fill another two bottles!
Anyway they eventually told me that I DEFINITELY have Pre-Eclampsia but it’s not at a consistent enough level that they are willing to treat me yet! The lady doctor then used the words “blood vessels bursting in your head” to describe what may happen if my condition worsens…. Therefore I have spent most of the time since being discharged, in tears! I feel this was an appauling use of words for a doctor to use but am trying to put it into some sort of perspective as she also used the line “You’ve been in and out of here like a F***ing yoyo”. I don’t think I have ever been so shocked at somebody using the F word!
Anyway you’ve probably stopped reading by now, revolted by the fact I managed to write a whole post about Farting and Urine! I never said pregnancy was glamourous!!!