After a whole year of no alcohol and no PROPER nights out due to pregnancy and breastfeeding, I had started to feel:

Old
Frumpy
Boring
Sensible
Unattractive
Social recluse

This was made worse by my shopping trip the other day which kindly alerted me to the fact I still have a pregnancy paunch and a few stretch marks (no more belly tops *sniff sniff*)!

So I decided to let the Jonnyter spend some quality time with the girls and treat myself to a night out on the town. In true tv sitcom style I tried on half of my wardrobe and got in a strop when none of it looked good/ would do up! My fave hot pants wouldn’t even go over my thighs! In the end I chose a blue summer dress which accentuated my assets! Assets which have not looked this big for a long time, so I wanted to show them off. I was aware that my bra showed and that the dress needed ironing, but it was half past midnight already and I hadn’t left the house. So I sat on the bus into town using spit to iron the worst creases out. …Yes I did just say spit… I like to think of myself as resourceful! (Well can you think of a better option?)

On arriving at the club, it was (as always) secretly pleasing to skip the queue and walk in without paying. That’s a perk of working in the industry. Pub, bar and nightclub staff can often get into local clubs for a reduced rate and sometimes free. It feels even better when you can say you are a manager and licensee. It sounds silly and probably like quite a trivial job to some people, but it makes me feel proud of my achievements.

Once inside I begin to feel:
Old
Frumpy
Boring
Sensible

I feel SLIGHTLY more attractive, but in a Kat Slater kind of way, as I soon discover in the toilets, that my boobs are more IN YOUR FACE than I had anticipated. Also I had to be careful not to lean forward or my breastpads would show. Talk about unattractive!

The club was full of students, which I can just about get away with as I technically don’t graduate until November! But they looked SO young and were all wearing the gorgeous outfits that I had hoped to still sport myself. So instead of my night rebuilding my self-esteem, it was making me more insecure! I had hoped that three beers for £4 might alter those perceptions!

It wasn’t my wildest night out. I was shockingly well-behaved and didn’t even hit the dance floor. I am of course, one of those people total idiots, who, in the heat of the moment thinks I am a truly fantastic dancer; but in reality know I’m more of an embarrassing mum style dancer!

Despite myself I still had a good time with my friends. In all honesty I had a few more drinks than I should have, which meant waiting a few hours before I could breastfeed again. I didn’t feel at all drunk but I did my “taxi discount voice” so I must have been a little tipsy…

The taxi discount voice is the one where you speak as though you come from Chelsea and lie highlight to the driver that you haven’t been drinking tonight. It’s also good to check the price before you get in and then say “oh gosh, that’s a little steeper than I usually pay”, or “I’m sorry for asking, I just had such a terrible experience when a taxi driver overcharged me once!” (This is actually a true story for me). Whilst keeping the posh voice, acting sober and mentioning price; the most important part of the taxi discount voice, is to overkill the kindness. Compliment the driver on his professionalism or his driving and make a comparison to an awful taxi driver (make it up if you want). 9 out of 10 times, the taxi will be cheaper than you were first quoted. This is because they like to rip off drunk people by overcharging and since you’ve so eloquently lied proved you are a sober and upstanding member of the community, they choose not to rip you off! If all else fails, youve at least entertained yourself for the journey!

On getting home, I felt selfish for having one night out in a year. I missed my babies immensely and I still felt:
Old
Frumpy
Boring
Sensible
Unattractive

But am happy to go back to being the social recluse for a while!

🙂 xxx

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