Honesty is very important to our family. I think parents being honest with their children is very important, however sometimes we should censor how much detail we tell them on certain subjects.

For example, my thyroid cancer. We haven’t told Bunny about it. When I was critically ill with HELLP Syndrome after having the twins, I was in hospital for ten days. Bunny had to go five days without seeing me at all. Something we are not at all used to. When she did see me I was covered in wires and tubes. The trauma from that stayed with her for many months, which is why we are keeping this quiet until the day before I go into hospital. She knows I went to hospital two weeks ago for tests and she knows I’m not entirely well. We haven’t said anymore, as we don’t want to panic her, but she must have been eavesdropping on telephone conversations. She has somehow found out I am going back to hospital, but she doesn’t know when.

I know when! 5 days, 12 hours and 10 minutes. I’m not looking forward to it, I’m scared. But at the same time, sitting here doing nothing, not knowing whether or not this hideous THING living inside my neck is alive or not, is somehow more terrifying. I don’t want to speculate and I have been trying to keep a positive mind. The worst part for me, is being away from my girls for a couple of days, it’s going to be really hard. I must be struggling a little in the evenings, as I have been staying up til 2am watching crap on tv to occupy my mind.

Today however, on the way to school, we had a very difficult conversation.

Bunny: “Mummy can we go to the Lido soon?”
Me: “What in this weather?”
Bunny: “No in the early summer, as soon as it’s warm enough”
Me: “Of course we can, it’ll be fun”
Bunny: “Will you be hanging around for the summer?”
Me: “What do you mean by hanging around?”
Bunny: “Well you might die before then?”
*silent choking gasp of horror from me* 
Me: “Of course I’m not going to die! That”s not a nice thing to be thinking about. Why would you say that?”
Bunny: “Because it happens to some people and you’ve got to go to hospital”.

Obviously I continued to reassure her, but it really stung. My surgery next week is pretty low risk, as I understand it. But the underlying issue… the benign or malignant debate is eating away at me, and all my positivity came crashing down, on hearing my beautiful innocent daughter say those words.

After I dropped her off at school I rushed to the nearest shop, with tears pricking my eyes, and lashed out the only way I know how… in a shop with a debit card. I didn’t buy anything for me, just for Jonny and Bunny, but it made me feel better.

So now I’m making a list. All the questions I need to ask at my pre-op assessment on Thursday. Then on Monday 28th – they will cut out half of my thyroid and test it to see if the cancer is growing or not. That’s assuming this itching I currently have is just anxiety… and not chicken pox! Fingers crossed.

PS. for the record. I am NOT going to die. My children need me and I need them. Whatever this is in my thyroid – I will fight it with everything I have, and a bit more!

  1. Keren says:

    Hey- tough news. But hoping there’s better news coming your way soon. I guess those few days away from your kids will be tough- I’m sure you’ll use them to think and recharge ready to keep being a fab mum. Prayers for you xx

  2. Hannah says:

    Keep strong, sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. Must’ve been horrible to hear those words from such a young special and precious person to you. Lots of positivity to you x

  3. Harlot says:

    I thought i had done well keeping my brood away from my illness, i decided to go the play it down route till my 13 year old son came out with “but your gonna die” and when questioning him he had thought it for ages. He has Aspergers so as u can imagine its not always getting him to understand. Children pick up on so many things, my brood aged 13- 1yr all have different understandings of me being ill and the understanding of death. The fact your Bunny is so astute is a credit to you, for her intelligence and her awareness !!

    Thinking of you xxx

    And your not gonna die – for the same reason as me, there is still so much more to do for the children and no one can do it like we can 😀 xxx
    Harlot recently posted..365 – WinterMy Profile

  4. Emma says:

    There is no way you are going to die, you have too much to live for! 🙂 I think you handled that conversation incredibly well… Maybe your library will have some books available to help a child understand when a parent is ill… Good luck in hospital, I will be thinking of you. Emma
    Emma recently posted..Comparing ParcsMy Profile

  5. Sarah says:

    Oh my goodness! Your posts on this subject have moved me before, but there’s something altogether more shocking and upsetting hearing those words uttered so innocently from a child. She’s just asking a simple, straightforward question in her mind. Thinking of you next week and hoping to read some good news very soon. x
    Sarah recently posted..Saturday is caption day!My Profile

  6. Mum in Meltdown says:

    OMG I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through and it really sounds like you have had a tough ride already! That conversation must have been just so difficult and your shopping spree is VERY understandable. You sound like a strong person and you will need to stay strong and positive to get through this. Stories like yours are so important for others to put things in perspective and show people that the only things that count in life are health and happiness. Look forward to your updates- keep well x
    Mum in Meltdown recently posted..50 Shades……..or a cuppa and a chunky KitKat?My Profile

  7. Caz Stone says:

    This is hard. I had investigations for a lung condition a while ago, originally suspected to be cancer. My children are older than yours, but still, I kept to the facts and didn’t discuss any of the more serious potential outcomes, just explaining the tests I was having. Still my son, 8 or 9 then, said to me one day ” I prefer to think that you’re NOT going to die Mummy”. It is heartstopping, that realisation that they pick up on so much and are processing it in their own ways. Wishing you all the best news.
    Caz (via BYOB)
    Caz Stone recently posted..HomeMy Profile

  8. The Brick Castle says:

    Kids are great. They see things so differently to adults. Sometimes it’s refreshing and at other times disturbing. Your child has probably been trying to think about how to broach the subject of your mortality for ages, and just saw what seemed to be the perfect opportunity. We must never underestimate them… 😀
    I’m glad you’re not going to die, aside from the kids and family and living for years yet until you feel you have actually finished, on a purely selfish level I’m enjoying your blog 🙂

  9. Nichola says:

    Wow Emma, I actually just cried when I read this. It must be horrendously worrying for you. I lie awake some nights worrying about my health and the girls and my health problems are not on the same scale as yours.
    I look forward though to reading your All Clear post and will be thinking of you x

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