Honesty is very important to our family. I think parents being honest with their children is very important, however sometimes we should censor how much detail we tell them on certain subjects.
For example, my thyroid cancer. We haven’t told Bunny about it. When I was critically ill with HELLP Syndrome after having the twins, I was in hospital for ten days. Bunny had to go five days without seeing me at all. Something we are not at all used to. When she did see me I was covered in wires and tubes. The trauma from that stayed with her for many months, which is why we are keeping this quiet until the day before I go into hospital. She knows I went to hospital two weeks ago for tests and she knows I’m not entirely well. We haven’t said anymore, as we don’t want to panic her, but she must have been eavesdropping on telephone conversations. She has somehow found out I am going back to hospital, but she doesn’t know when.
I know when! 5 days, 12 hours and 10 minutes. I’m not looking forward to it, I’m scared. But at the same time, sitting here doing nothing, not knowing whether or not this hideous THING living inside my neck is alive or not, is somehow more terrifying. I don’t want to speculate and I have been trying to keep a positive mind. The worst part for me, is being away from my girls for a couple of days, it’s going to be really hard. I must be struggling a little in the evenings, as I have been staying up til 2am watching crap on tv to occupy my mind.
Today however, on the way to school, we had a very difficult conversation.
Bunny: “Mummy can we go to the Lido soon?”
Me: “What in this weather?”
Bunny: “No in the early summer, as soon as it’s warm enough”
Me: “Of course we can, it’ll be fun”
Bunny: “Will you be hanging around for the summer?”
Me: “What do you mean by hanging around?”
Bunny: “Well you might die before then?”
*silent choking gasp of horror from me*
Me: “Of course I’m not going to die! That”s not a nice thing to be thinking about. Why would you say that?”
Bunny: “Because it happens to some people and you’ve got to go to hospital”.
Obviously I continued to reassure her, but it really stung. My surgery next week is pretty low risk, as I understand it. But the underlying issue… the benign or malignant debate is eating away at me, and all my positivity came crashing down, on hearing my beautiful innocent daughter say those words.
After I dropped her off at school I rushed to the nearest shop, with tears pricking my eyes, and lashed out the only way I know how… in a shop with a debit card. I didn’t buy anything for me, just for Jonny and Bunny, but it made me feel better.
So now I’m making a list. All the questions I need to ask at my pre-op assessment on Thursday. Then on Monday 28th – they will cut out half of my thyroid and test it to see if the cancer is growing or not. That’s assuming this itching I currently have is just anxiety… and not chicken pox! Fingers crossed.
PS. for the record. I am NOT going to die. My children need me and I need them. Whatever this is in my thyroid – I will fight it with everything I have, and a bit more!