Blogging Blues
Who’d have thought something so silly could tip me over the edge? With all this MAD blog awards stuff in my head, voting currently going on and the pressure of competing with some fantastic blogs, I thought it would be the perfect time to get my blog the way I want it. All I wanted was a new header, with more subtle colours and LOTS of black and white photos of my gorgeous girls. I wanted a new theme so I could showcase more photos and so my header could go right the way across. I couldn’t get it the way I wanted. I had so much to do today. I have spent HOURS trying to do what should have took twenty minutes, and gotten… nowhere. Nothing has changed. It didn’t work. I failed in every attempt.

Here are some of the photos I wanted to put in my header:
My Beautiful FamilyMy girls and my husband are my world. Is it too much to ask to put some of my favourite photos of them on my blog? So much for the second blog and the business I wanted to start – if I can’t manage some basic edits!

Getting worked up much? Yes I am. It even upsets me that nobody wanted to caption my sodding SatCap photo this morning! My house is untidy, I’ve no food in for dinner and I haven’t eaten well this past week. I have a massive to-do list before I go back into hospital and I am feeling so chuffing tired. I would love nothing more than to cuddle up in bed with a movie and my three girls, hot chocolate and a book. But I can’t because I am losing my independence in 36 hours as I go in for my next surgery.

Coping or not Coping with Cancer?
After having the first part of my Cancer cut out, it took me a good two weeks to recover. I couldn’t lift my own children in that time and that broke my heart. Even more heartbreaking was the two days in hospital, where I couldn’t even see them. I found it really hard having to let people do things for me for a while. The pain wasn’t pleasant, neither was the swelling, the vomiting, the internal bleeding, not being able to see anything after the anaesthetic and then having to go back in for a second anaesthetic. The drugged feeling for several days afterwards and the waking up to a 92 year old hovering precariously over my bed at 3am.

I’m tired and I haven’t even gone in yet. I had nightmares last night about being away from my girls. So knowing that at 7:30am on Monday I will be going under the knife again, is not great for me right now. I’ve stayed strong for so long, with only a few emotionally wobbly days. I’m scared of things going wrong again like they did last time. I’m scared of finding out the Cancer has spread. Or not knowing whether it has spread. I’ve got such a weight on my shoulders that I’m in floods of tears and I just want my husband here to hold me; but he is at work. I guess this is what I’d call “not-coping”.

  1. Lorraine says:

    Oh goodness. I’m sorry to read you’re feeling all blue! For what it’s worth, those pictures are gorgeous. Your blog is gorgeous too! It doesn’t need a facelift 🙂 Best of luck on Monday. It’ll be ok. This time next week you’ll wonder what you were worried about. Will be thinking of you and sending you lots of love xxx

  2. MummyNeverSleeps says:

    Oh Emma 🙁 it’s no surprise you’re feeling incrediblly under pressure atm. My only advice is to work out what is most important before you go back in to hospital, maybe have a lazy morning in bed with your girls? It’ll help you through when you’re back in hospital… I totally appreciate about being reluctant to let people help you, I’ve often been accused of being the world’s worst patient but at times, as much as I hate to admit it, we’ve got no choice. Don’t worry yourself about your blog, I think your header is awesome, and don’t forget – your blog was nominated because of it’s content and because of you, not fancy design. Am sending lots of love, and really hope everything goes a little smoother than last time xxx
    MummyNeverSleeps recently posted..Some Things That I LoveMy Profile

  3. Elizabeth Cairns says:

    Dear Emma,
    What can I say? To write so honestly and so boldly given everything you’re going through is an achievement in itself. I agree with Lorraine too your pictures are stunning.

    Sometimes I think we are blocked from achieving what it is we think we want because there is something brighter and better for us round the corner and I hope so much that this is true for you now.

    Sometimes there’s just no putting rose tinted glasses on things is there? Sometimes it just feels crap. Letting go, asking for and accepting help, being apart from our little ones, all these things are so bone achingly hard. But there is hope, this doesn’t have to be how your story ends and I’m sure you know that. You’ve been through enough already to know deep down that you can get through this too.

    Sending you courage and faith and hope for Monday and peace for now.

  4. Chelsea Williams says:

    Sending big hugs and huge loves. Well done for writing it down, now maybe letting some of the angst go will help, even just a little. Your blog was nominated because its great, not because of your header! Don’t panic. You still have time for all your big ideas. As for letting people help, I know its hard, god knows I really do, but you have to. Remember its only for a while, soon it will be a distant memory. We will all be thinking of you, everyday xxxx
    Chelsea Williams recently posted..My #TeamHonk TattooMy Profile

  5. Gemma Hester says:

    Your blog is lovely just how it is. Gorgeous photos, you really do have three pretty girls.

    Hope all goes well Monday, will be thinking of you.

    gem_gem14 x

  6. Laura Berry says:

    Honey you are amazing and an inspiration to us all. Websites/blog design drive me nuts so I feel your frustration. I love your blog the way it is by the way. The competition is about content and quality so the judges will see that. Send you much love with all my heart. Get angry honey you have every right. Big kiss. Laurs x PS you is tot amazeballs 🙂

  7. Elaine Livingstone says:

    what a raw and honest post. No wonder you are feeling like you are, you have a lot of pressure and a lot of worries going on. I hope it all goes well for you. Try to relax today and just do as little as possible. The house and dust will still be there in a few weeks even if you clean and tidy today.
    Enjoy your 3 beautiful girls and stop trying to do too much, your not wonder woman and having twins is hard work without everything else that is happening.
    Elaine Livingstone recently posted..Project 365 10th – 16th MarchMy Profile

  8. Afra says:

    It’s all about the words love. Pics are beautiful but your words are honest and beautiful even when you don’t feel on top form.
    Thinking of you this week. Hope all goes well.

  9. Helen at Casa Costello says:

    Sending you very best wishes for tomorrow. I really feel for you after reading such an honest post. You have beautiful children – not surprising you want them featured on your blog. If its any consolation, messing about with pics on my blog is the one thing that will have me in tears of frustration within 5 minutes! Hx
    Helen at Casa Costello recently posted..Cake of the Week: Parma Violet CakeMy Profile

  10. Mum in a Hurry says:

    Ditto what everyone else said. You ARE strong and there is nothing wrong with expressing your worries/concerns. If you weren’t struggling to cope a little you wouldn’t be human, going through what you’re going through. I know what you mean about the blog format. When you get in your head that you want to change something it can be SOOO frustrating to not be able to get it right. Just leave it for now if you can and come back to it later. If you can’t figure it out maybe some nice person on Twitter or somewhere can help you with it. I would if I could. but you’re probably better at this stuff than I am!
    Mum in a Hurry recently posted..A Trending Twitter Party – #pbloggersMy Profile

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