You may or may not have noticed, I’ve gone quiet about my Cancer since meeting my Oncologist for the first time, just over a week ago. Well that is because I found out my radiotherapy will be much more difficult than I first thought.

The tumour found in the left side of my thyroid measured 6cm across and the Cancer went right the way to the edges. It is beleived I have been carrying this malignant Cancer for several years and there is a chance it may have reached the blood vessels and left some Cancer cells behind after my surgery.

This means I must have a particularly high dose of internal radiotherapy. Double the normal dose for my type of Cancer.

This means approximately 5 days in an isolation unit, where I am not allowed visitors, and anything I take into hospital must be thrown away. Anything I touch after swallowing the radioactive iodine, will become contaminated by my sweat, and become radioactive. I will be scanned numerous times by a geiger counter, until I am safe to be discharged from hospital.

That’s when the worst bit comes…

For somewhere between 10 – 16 days, I will not be allowed within 1-2 (preferably 3) metres of my husband or Bunny (or any other human being). So no touching, no hugs, no kisses. This is because my body will still be radioactive and pose a danger to the health of anyone who comes close to me. My radiologist said I will be “like an Xray machine we cannot turn off”. …

But the worst part…

I cannot go within 1-2 metres of the twins for somewhere between 21-28 days. That’s on top of my 5 days in isolation.

So I can’t hold or kiss or feed of comfort my own babies for around a month.

I am heartbroken.

I am distraught.

I have spent many days crying as I was not prepared for this and I don’t know how to deal with it. Bunny and I are seeing a Cancer psychologist, but I’m not sure how much he can help me with not being able to kiss my children. I live and breathe my children. They are my entire world.

  1. Pinkoddy says:

    I always say the wrong thing so please forgive me if I offend – my mother died after fighting cancer when I was 20 and I’m 35 next month. I’d give anything to even be able to phone her and tell her I love her. What I’m trying to say is that it may seem hard right now, but the difference that treatment will make to your life to enable so many more kisses and hugs will out weigh that short time without.
    You are a very strong woman and you can do this.
    If there’s anything I can do then just shout xx
    Pinkoddy recently posted..School Allocations: With Special Needs #SENMy Profile

  2. Ramblings Of A Suburban Mummy says:

    Wow, that’s a major blow. I can’t begin to understand how dreadful that will be. But it’s for all the right reasons even though that won’t make it any easier.

    Thinking of you and your family and wishing the time away for you so you can cuddle them again xx
    Ramblings Of A Suburban Mummy recently posted..I got a new job!My Profile

  3. Louise says:

    This breaks my heart to read, I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through, on top of everything else you can’t be close to the people you need to be closest to, I hope and pray you have all the support you need.

  4. MrsShilts says:

    My friend is currently undergoing very similar treatment to you and it is truly heartbreaking to watch her suffer not being able to kiss her boys goodnight. I know it’s easy for me to say but you’re doing a very brave thing and there’s light at the end of the tunnel as you secure your families future. Thinking of you xx
    MrsShilts recently posted..Freedom, teething and sunshine..My Profile

  5. Jacinta Zechariah says:

    I met you only for a few brief moments last Thursday but after reading your story, you have my complete admiration. I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. Hugs xx
    But I must say that you being such a strong person and having gone through so much will meet this head on too and come out even stronger. Any help…please let me know.

  6. Tina summers says:

    Hi there,

    *hugs* It must be an incredibly hard thing to have to face and I would feel the same as you. I really would. The treatment is going to get you better:)) and you have to try and think of the long run ;)) xx

  7. SAlly says:

    Horrendous, but you will get through it and your twins and older daughter will understand eventually, in their own way. Good luck – I’m thinking of you. Lots of love xxx
    SAlly recently posted..5:2 Friday #4My Profile

  8. Hayley says:

    Oh Hun that will be hard. I remember when my dads boss had radiotherapy and he was told similar although it was mainly to stay away from pregnant women and children. You will get out the other side because you have a reason too, the kids. X

  9. Amy Ransom says:

    I don’t know what to say. Only that you are so brave and you write about something so painful so beautifully. I joke about my children all the time and how I can’t wait for bedtime. You’ve just made me appreciate why I shouldn’t. Thinking of you and will be following your progress. You are amazing for sharing this and all us mothers are with you x

  10. dannielle says:

    Cried when i read this. So sorry for you and your family. Can’t imagine what it will be like for you all but just keep focusing on when you can kiss and cuddle them all again. X

  11. Louise says:

    I can’t say anything that will make things better – I wish I could . I can only imagine how awful it will be. But you are strong, you can do it and you will be able to hug your twins again. My hopes and prayers go to you at this difficult time x
    Louise recently posted..#R2BCMy Profile

  12. Faded Seaside Mama says:

    My heart is breaking for you just reading this. You are being subjected to some truly hideous experiences but as all your readers know, you will get through and come out the other side, stronger and brighter for it. The first hug will be more precious than anything in the world and is worth hanging on for. I wish the time away for you and hope that writing can bring you comfort in the dark days ahead.
    Faded Seaside Mama recently posted..The Gallery: ExpressionsMy Profile

  13. Becky Cowley says:

    I read your post last night & have not been able to stop thinking about you & your family and the heartbreaking situation you are in. I can’t really find the right words to offer any comfort, I don’t really think anything I can say with help. I just wanted you to know that I had been and will continue to hold you in my thoughts and hope you find some comfort in positive messages xx

  14. Laura says:

    Oh lovely! I am so sorry to read this. I am thinking of you and sending you as many good vibes as I can muster together! You can do this 🙂 xx

  15. Helen Braid says:

    So sorry Emma. This must be heartbreaking. My father was seriously ill with cancer from when I was 6. He received huge doses of radiotherapy and was also in insolation. It broke his heart being away from us but it saved his life and he turned 60 last year. Will be thinking of you and how difficult a journey you are on. Much love, Helen xx
    Helen Braid recently posted..Lost & FoundMy Profile

  16. The Brick Castle says:

    It is just heartbreaking, I know I’ve mentioned before about my step-daughters and their Mother, but they were both over 10, they were big girls in comparison. They were not infants and their 3 weeks went past really quickly.

    Use webcams and baby monitors, be a part of what’s going on. Talk to them through glass – although you won’t be able to touch them, you will be able to be incredibly close to them.

    Does it make sense to wear your favourite perfume every day or save clothes (cardi’s, jumpers) that you’ve worn to put with your children so that they can always smell you (and vice versa with your children’s clothes?)

    I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling, I really can’t. But you aren’t going through this for the next month, you’re going through it for the sake of the next 40 or 50 years and everything that entails, and we’ll all be expecting some absolutely fabulous posts while you wait it out seeing as you’ll have so much time on your hands! xxxx
    The Brick Castle recently posted..Optifit Bras ~ goodbye 38EMy Profile

  17. Carolin says:

    Reading this made me so sad, you have an incredibly hard task infront of you, but you have a goal and thats the most important thing of all: a life with your lovely family – and what are these 4 weeks compared to the decades to come, seeing your children grow up, grwoing old with your husband, hugging grandchildren one day. Its hard now but it seems a little price to pay for the years that will be given to you. I feel for you and wish you lots of luck and strength xx

  18. Verily Victoria Vocalises says:

    It is hard to put into words how I feel for you Emma, I feel so awful BUT as you know, the wheels are in motion with me and Phil and some others behind the scene to help you through this very difficult time. I will draft a post this afternoon with regards to what we have spoken about and will get it over to you for your review. You are a true inspiration to so many people. We will all be here to support you and hold your virtual hand through what is going to be a very difficult time. Thinking of you xxx
    Verily Victoria Vocalises recently posted..NaPoWriMo Day 26 – The BloggerMy Profile

  19. Emma says:

    Sending you a huge hug. The thought of that must be so incredibly hard…. But one day they will understand. I love the suggestions of the prevoius poster, some great ideas there. Wishing you strength… Emma xx

  20. Tedi Williams-Posladek says:

    So incredibly unfair Emma and my heart goes out to you and your family dear. Why don’t you find the sweetest, softest, most cuddly doll and send them “mummy” kisses and cuddles thru it virtually all the time with the help of people around you. Maybe writes little daily love notes (sweet little nothing things your might say) for all the children in advance so they can be read to them by others…or you can read them from a safe distance. It will keep you busy preparing maybe. It’s such a difficult situation, I have no idea how to console you as I’ve never had to walk in your shoes. Be brave, there is no way but forward and through it so find courage you didn’t know you possessed and gather strength from the love around you and conquer the beast. Thoughts and prayers with you.

  21. Jen aka The Mad House says:

    My heart goes out to you as you know it does. Is it possible to0 be ion another place, so they can not see you. They will not understand and it is going to be hard, but this is all so they can have you around for much longer.

    You can do this.

    You are fab

  22. Lesley Beeton says:

    Just wanted to say that when we work with iodine radio-isotopes in the lab (I-125) we take iodine tablets to pre-saturate and prevent take up of the radioactive iodine.

    This might be an option for your husband? Perhaps worth asking the question? I don’t think it’s suitable for your little ones 🙁

    Lesley Beeton recently posted..Death in a care homeMy Profile

  23. kath knitty mummy says:

    How awful, as if cancer isn’t bad enough, you then have your support network pulled out from under you when you need it most. Stay strong. It will be an awful month, but remember a month is very short in return for the time this treatment is giving you with your loved ones
    kath knitty mummy recently posted..Entrelac ScarfMy Profile

  24. Anne says:

    I can feel your heart breaking with every word. Stay strong, you’ve already come so far, you can do this. It’s a short time to be apart from your babies considering it could give you a lifetime with them when it’s over. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way xx

  25. Trish says:

    No wonder you feel distraught. It all sounds so worrying and stressful for you and your family. I’m sure your little ones will be surrounded by lots of love from the rest of your family whilst you are unable to cuddle them. Get better very soon and let’s hope time flies by xx

  26. Katie @mummydaddyme says:

    I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that Is going to be for you. I can’t even physically imagine it. But you are going to get better from it so you can kiss them and hug them for years to come. I just wanted to leave a comment to say how brave I think you are. X

  27. Sarah & Stuart says:

    This is the first I (Stuart) have heard of your story, such terrible news you’ve received. I have never been away from my kids for more than two nights, that was difficult enough. Wishing you the best of luck with your fight, and it’s clear to see so many people are praying for your recovery for the sake of you and your family.

  28. Emily says:

    Sorry I’m late to comment but all my thoughts are with you I can only imagine how unbearable this is going to be for you. Xx

  29. Mum in a Hurry (@mum_in_a_hurry) says:

    Oh hun. that is so sad. I can completely understand why you are gutted but as everyone said above its all for the right reasons and you will be able to spend the rest of your life making it up to them! Its hard though as I can imagine now is the time that you feel you need their hugs (and they yours) more than ever. If I can do anything say the word! x

  30. sylvie says:

    You are an amazing inspiring and beautiful woman. This must be an unimaginably hard time for you, keep your pecker up. You are a wonderful Mum and wife and you have so many future memories to look forward to with your precious family….. X

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