The chink in my armour: I’m struggling
I’ll be honest with you all…
I’m struggling right now.
I am THRILLED with all the support from everyone blogging and tweeting me support using the #S2S2D hashtag and I am loving reading all the posts on the Shoulder to Shoulder to Day Blog Hop. You are all cheering me up immensely.
I also awoke this morning to a fabulous Get Well Soon Hamper from the kind people at Cosatto, which cheered me up a LOT.
I’m also finding a great distraction amongst the journalist interviews, but I am still finding this immensely hard.
Someone reminded me today, that whilst I try to remain upbeat, and I don’t consider myself “ill” in comparison to when I had Leukaemia, I do still have Cancer, and I won’t know whether or not my radioactive iodine treatment has worked or not, for another 6 months.
But the bit I can’t handle, is the separation from my children. The twins only turned one this month. They are used to Mummy doing everything for them.
Now every time I come into the room, their little faces light up and they grin at me, but when they realise I’m not coming any closer, they start to cry.
I sat in the garden yesterday and every time I looked up, one of the twins was watching me. I grin and wave and chat to them, and sometimes that makes them happy. But other times they look at me like they’ve been abandoned.
My heart is aching.
My maternal instincts are grieving.
I want nothing more than to cuddle my three beautiful girls.
Bunny is having fun with relatives for half term, so I know she is okay.
But what if they twins start to resent me? What if we lose that incredible bond we spent a year building?
I am spending much of my day retreating to my room for a cry.
I have also started going out for walks alone now to start focussing on training for Race For Life on 7th July (You can sponsor me by clicking here)
So I guess I want to say – There is a chink in my armour. I may be fighting a war against Cancer, but I am still human. I do still cry. and THANKYOU all so much for your continued support.