Does Cancer ever really go away? Does it?

If it goes away physically, does it go away in your head? I’m in limbo land, so I couldn’t know either way.

I have to wait until November to find out if my treatment has worked or not, and I was coping much better since the school holidays started. But to be honest, the fear is still gripping me. The fear of spread, the fear of return. Knowing that the treatment for my Thyroid Cancer could cause Leukaemia, having already fought that battle once.

I was always fine talking about my childhood Leukaemia and up until my scan post radiotherapy for my Thyroid Cancer, I was fine talking about that too. Now all of a sudden, it’s difficult. I want to shut it out and pretend it’s not there.

I’ve been offered counselling, and there’s the wonderful guy at Maggies Cancer Centre I could talk to, but there’s no point. I want someone to sit in front of me with results, telling me it’s fine, the Cancer is gone, no more treatment. I’ve got a long wait for that.

These ghosts come back to haunt my and they’ve turned me into a complete Hypochondriac.

Last night when I went to bed, I was gripped by a chill and a deep ache in my legs. I shivered and ached my way through the night, until I peaked with a Fever at 4am. I took some paracetamol and woke up feeling groggy, but not so bad. Once I got up, the aches and the chills gripped me again in a repeated pattern of chills and fever.

Today I had to do a photoshoot for the Gloucestershire Echo for a fundraising event that Jonny and I are planning for October (for MacMillan Cancer Support). I also promised Bunny I’d take her to the cinema to watch Monsters University for some Mummy-Daughter time. I had to fulfil those commitments, even though I felt awful.

Once I got home though, I fell apart. I begged my husband not to go to work (even though he had to go, to support us). I burst into tears and I couldn’t stop crying. I’m shaking from the shivering, but pain killers are doing nothing to take the edge off the aches. Apart from stomach cramps this morning, I have no other symptoms. Why don’t I? If I knew this was Flu or Tonsillitis I could cope. I feel sick, but I’ve not been sick, so I don’t think it’s my kidney infection from two weeks ago. I feel really weak and exhausted, even though I’ve not done much. Maybe my Thyroxine levels are screwed again?

So that’s when the thoughts creep in. Perhaps it’s something sinister. Perhaps I should tell someone, but my doctors is shut for the weekend. I’ve not felt this awful before, without knowing what it was.

Part of me is screaming “Don’t be so stupid, it’s just a fever you silly woman!”

The other part of me has no idea why it’s so terrified. Will I always be? Is my body tough enough to keep fighting every illness thrown at it?

I want my husband. Or my mum. Or a doctor.

But I have to suck it up and stop crying, because I have three children to feed and get ready for bed.

  1. Kelly Finn says:

    Oh Emma! You have every reason to feel the way that you do!
    Do you have a local walk in centre? They are fantastic if you do and may put your mind at ease. I’m sorry I can’t offer you much advice
    Other then to rest as much as you can, and to tell you i am thinking of you. ((Hugs)) x

  2. Amanda says:

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling so poorly at the moment, hoping it will pass quickly.

    I don’t think cancer does entirely go away, the disease my leave your body, but some part clings inside your thoughts, at least this is how it seems with my family and the cancers and leukaemia we have gone through. The fear this installs in you is totally understandable, but hopefully it will diminish over time.

    Wish there was something I could do or say to make things easier for you x
    Amanda recently posted..Kids Craft ~ Mini Garden Fit For a TrainMy Profile

  3. Mummy Glitzer says:

    Oh Emma. *hugs*

    I wish I could give you some comfort, some reassurance, something to help you feel better. It’s hard enough being poorly but then to have the additional “What ifs” as well must make it doubly hard, if not more.

    You are a strong young lady and you will get through this, I know it. Xx
    Mummy Glitzer recently posted..Wednesday WordsMy Profile

  4. Emma T says:

    Hugs. I know if I was in the same position as you that I’d be thinking the same and just hoping that day of the results would come sooner.

    Hope you’re feeling better soon and these feelings ease. Make sure you get lots of hugs from your family.
    Emma T recently posted..Spelling and grammar on toysMy Profile

  5. Sarah says:

    Emma, it is fully understandable you are feeling this way. The uncertainty of what you are going through now and what you have already been through is huge. Know in your heart and soul tha you have fought this thing before and have done now again. Can I suggest you download Joseoh McClendon III Change your Breakfast Change your Life e-book about his mum’s journey with cancer and some great tips for dealing with this awful disease. Also, Tony Robbins has some wonderful inspirational quotes which can help you through the darker days of this journey. You are a fighter, I saw that when I saw your story on vacation in Spain – sitting jn our hotel room in Marbella, my husband and I received Bristol BBC Points West and you appeared and you were a true inspiration. I have told so many people about your story and I know you will fight this with your inner strength. Remember, our brains and our minds are our true strength, 80% psychology and 20% mechanics – you can do it. Sending love and prayers with little sparkles around to keep you cheery in the darker moments.

  6. Julie Roo says:

    Emma, I wish I’d seen this earlier, I could have come and helped you. X
    My “Dad” (mums boyfriend) has had cancer since I was a baby, various different types. He gets like this, and often “hides” at his parents place and won’t talk to my mum. He gets a bit obsessed by the illness, but mostly the fear of the illness. But you can do this, and I believe you’ve a lot moressupport groups? Thinking of you. X it’s ok to be frightened, and I’ve my fingers crossed for an all clear result for you. As long as Dad is clear of THAT he’s fine in between, so the fear, hypochondria, worry, it can all fade away. X

  7. Baked Potato Mummy says:

    I think its perfectly OK to feel worried like this. After everything you’ve been through, I can’t imagine that you will ever stop worrying about pains and aches.

    You are an amazing, brave and strong woman and you will be OK. But I’m sure sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.

    I’ll be thinking of you and hope you feel better soon xx
    Baked Potato Mummy recently posted..Life Without DaddyMy Profile

  8. Mummy Whisperer says:

    Oh honey, I know a little of what you are going through – when my daughter was 2 months old I had such an awful lymph infection the Dr’s were convinced it was cancer and it took them 6 months to give me the all clear. I shat myself. I can totally imagine that it’s much worse for you, given your history.

    Don’t do what I did – I know that in reality the only thing that can help is the answer, but I got myself so ill from the stress, that I’m pretty sure it was that along with the infection that gave me the Fibromyalgia.

    There are a couple of things that you could use in the meantime like a plaster, to just get you through the next couple of months. I reckon that EFT (Emotional freedom technique) is probably the easiest though. (It’s tapping on specific meridian points, and basically you tap while you talk about the fact that you are so worried and stressed, and over the course of 15 mins it will reduce your anxiety).

    Nick Ortner’s book ‘The tapping solution’ is great – you’ll pick up everything you need to know from there, and there are loads of youtube videos online as well if you need more.

    Sending you loads of hugs xx
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  9. Distressed Housewife says:

    That must be so scary, Emma, it’s understandable that you feel that way after what you’ve been through; I don’t know you personally but from what I know of you, you’re INCREDIBLY strong and can fight anything. Look at what you’ve tackled so far! Hope you’re feeling better soon xxx
    Distressed Housewife recently posted..Our HouseMy Profile

  10. Jenny @ The Brick Castle says:

    Aw hon, of course you’re worried. Cancer doesn’t just happen to other people, it happened to you! I’m terrified my partner will get Meningitis again, I get up in the night and take his temperature without waking him, and I fret at the slightest cough. It’s ridiculous and I know I never worried before, but I do now and I feel a fool for it. I think discovering you aren’t bomb-proof takes a long while to get over, if indeed you ever do get over it xx
    Jenny @ The Brick Castle recently posted..Vertbaudet Children’s ClothingMy Profile

  11. Katherine Hurt says:

    Emma you have been so strong on this journey. I pray and send loving thoughts that even though it so hard there is hope and light at the end of your tunnel. Its only natural to have these thoughts and yes I have days like this. Yesterday I had my usual blood tests for my thyroid and calicum levels. But my oncologist request my throidglobin level bt. Im scared too, what if its not gone or spread. I been feeling really tired lately and not myself. My appt after yours december 9. I too feel so long to wait. Hopefuly we can support each other. I live with my partner and cat. You are amazing being this strong with a family to deal with. Keep strong my friend xxx

  12. Stephanie Wigglesworth says:

    Hi, I was pointed in the direction of ypur blog by Joanna Hirstmy sister who has read your blog and thought I would relate to you and your blog. I was diagnosed with mouth cancer in february this year and had major surgery and radical radiotherapy. Im now in recovery but am having a very rocky road, which i am keeping a record of in my blog which is I would love it if we could chat

    • Emma Day says:

      Thanks for getting in touch, I just received your sisters email, mentioning you. You are more than welcome to email me too. You might be interested in something I’m about to post too – keep an eye out for #EmmasArmy on social media! I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. I hope you make a full recovery. I will head over to your blog now. x

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