Does Cancer ever really go away? Does it?
If it goes away physically, does it go away in your head? I’m in limbo land, so I couldn’t know either way.
I have to wait until November to find out if my treatment has worked or not, and I was coping much better since the school holidays started. But to be honest, the fear is still gripping me. The fear of spread, the fear of return. Knowing that the treatment for my Thyroid Cancer could cause Leukaemia, having already fought that battle once.
I was always fine talking about my childhood Leukaemia and up until my scan post radiotherapy for my Thyroid Cancer, I was fine talking about that too. Now all of a sudden, it’s difficult. I want to shut it out and pretend it’s not there.
I’ve been offered counselling, and there’s the wonderful guy at Maggies Cancer Centre I could talk to, but there’s no point. I want someone to sit in front of me with results, telling me it’s fine, the Cancer is gone, no more treatment. I’ve got a long wait for that.
These ghosts come back to haunt my and they’ve turned me into a complete Hypochondriac.
Last night when I went to bed, I was gripped by a chill and a deep ache in my legs. I shivered and ached my way through the night, until I peaked with a Fever at 4am. I took some paracetamol and woke up feeling groggy, but not so bad. Once I got up, the aches and the chills gripped me again in a repeated pattern of chills and fever.
Today I had to do a photoshoot for the Gloucestershire Echo for a fundraising event that Jonny and I are planning for October (for MacMillan Cancer Support). I also promised Bunny I’d take her to the cinema to watch Monsters University for some Mummy-Daughter time. I had to fulfil those commitments, even though I felt awful.
Once I got home though, I fell apart. I begged my husband not to go to work (even though he had to go, to support us). I burst into tears and I couldn’t stop crying. I’m shaking from the shivering, but pain killers are doing nothing to take the edge off the aches. Apart from stomach cramps this morning, I have no other symptoms. Why don’t I? If I knew this was Flu or Tonsillitis I could cope. I feel sick, but I’ve not been sick, so I don’t think it’s my kidney infection from two weeks ago. I feel really weak and exhausted, even though I’ve not done much. Maybe my Thyroxine levels are screwed again?
So that’s when the thoughts creep in. Perhaps it’s something sinister. Perhaps I should tell someone, but my doctors is shut for the weekend. I’ve not felt this awful before, without knowing what it was.
Part of me is screaming “Don’t be so stupid, it’s just a fever you silly woman!”
The other part of me has no idea why it’s so terrified. Will I always be? Is my body tough enough to keep fighting every illness thrown at it?
I want my husband. Or my mum. Or a doctor.
But I have to suck it up and stop crying, because I have three children to feed and get ready for bed.