This post has been a long time coming. It has taken a long time for me to accept, and I’m still not sure if I have accepted it.

I am blessed, with three incredible daughters, that I wouldn’t change for the world.

But every mum, has that secret number. The secret number of how many children they’d like… in an ideal world. My number was 5.

The truth is, I’ve been told it would be too dangerous for me to have any more babies.

I had the perfect birth with Bunny. Until the final stage. I could not deliver the placenta, and I had to be rushed to theatre for a manual retrieval operation and I lost a lot of blood.

The twins birth, was HELL on earth. It was HELL because I had HELLP Syndrome, which nearly killed me. I also haemorrhaged numerous times. HELLP Syndrome causes your organs to fail. First kidneys, then liver, then heart, then brain. Thankfully mine didn’t quite get as far as my heart or brain, but there were a few terrifying nights, where I wasn’t sure if I’d survive.

Unfortunately, the horrific double forceps birth and the HELLP Syndrome, weren’t the end of my placental problems. 5 weeks later, I haemorrhaged badly again at home, then again in A&E twenty minutes later. There was still some placenta left inside me and my body was trying desperately to eject it – even if doing so would cause me to bleed to death. I spent another two nights in hospital and had a general anaesthetic and an ERPC (evacuation of retained products of conception) – formerly know as a D&C.

The chances of having HELLP Syndrome are extremely rare, but it can very quickly become fatal – causing both infant and maternal morbidity. The twins and I are so very lucky to be alive.

The chances of developing HELLP Syndrome are dramatically increased for people who have had HELLP Syndrome before, and in twin or multiple pregnancies.
In turn, my chances of conceiving twins again is five fold, because they run in my family, and I have one set of naturally conceived twins already.

So the odds are stacked against me.

I can conceive. And probably very easily too. But I’ve been told I might not survive another pregnancy. Some mums do go on to have a healthy pregnancy after HELLP Syndrome. But if I were to develop HELLP Syndrome again, I might not survive it, or if I did, there’s a chance I could be looking at organ transplant. The risks might be low – they might be high, but it’s not a risk I can take.

I have been given another chance at life, after two Cancers, blood poisoning and HELLP Syndrome. Something is telling me to take responsibility and stop there. It’s a sign. I can’t rely on medical science, or some higher being, to save me every time. One day my luck would run out.

The fact I can’t have any more children, is one of the reasons that it meant SO much to me, to win The Best Baby Blog at the MAD Blog Awards. It’s something, I can never get again and it celebrates such special memories that I’ve recorded here on my blog.

I have three amazing daughters and the thought of leaving them to grow up without me, is incomprehensible. It’s a thought worse than I can bear.

It saddens me to know I’ll never feel a little life growing inside me again. I’ll never have that pretty pregnancy glow, a gorgeous baby bump to moisturise, that overwhelming sense of protection of my own body, or that incredible feeling of a baby moving in my belly. I’ll never have a pregnancy blog again and I’ll never be able to breastfeed again. I’ll never anticipate labour or experience that first time skin to skin contact with a baby I’ve just birthed.

As much as my 5 year old self screams at me “what about the second set of twins, you’ve dreamed of all your life?” I have to smile, and say,
“I have everything I ever dreamed of already – a husband who is there for me, through thick and thin and three incredible children who I worship”.

We are lucky to be alive and to have each other. Every day is like I’m high on life and motherhood alone. My life has taught me to count my blessings.

My Beautiful Family

  1. Mummypinkwellies says:

    What a beautifully written and heart felt piece.

    I too can’t have any more as the risks are just too high. The thought of leaving my daughter without a mummy in my quest of trying to have another (when I know what I know) chills me through.

    Hard, but brave decision.

    Much love xxx

  2. David says:

    Jings! You’ve been through some real shit. I would agree you’re very lucky to be alive and your family deserve to keep you now 🙂

    Interestingly my neighbour had the same HELLP complications and very nearly never left the hospital. She was advised never to try and have another child.
    David recently posted..I Want To Ride My BicylceMy Profile

  3. Super Busy Mum {Debs} says:

    What a beautifully touching post and I feel for you. You’ve been through and beaten SO much, and look at your family! How gorgeous are they!

    I too can no longer have anymore children {which I haven’t quite accepted fully yet} but I have my family of tiny humans and I need to be content with that. x
    Super Busy Mum {Debs} recently posted..The Versatile Blogger Awards!My Profile

  4. Made By Jude says:

    what a a touching post. I have quite a few friends who have suffered the awful HELPP syndrome and luckily are all here to tell the tale, as are their children.
    Although you haven’t lost any babies you are still grieving for what you dremt of, and that can be as bad as a loss itself. Take time to grieve.
    You have the most beautiful girlies just think on how much easier 3 is than 5, x

  5. Skullmadmama says:

    You are one amazing lady for what you’ve been through and yes although I can imagine its hard to accept, you need to be around for the gorgeous family you have 🙂 maybe a puppy when the girls are older?! :p xx

  6. Emma T says:

    You’ve been through so much, but you have a wonderful family, so it’s great to hear you’ve made your huge decision (no brainer to me).

    I wish I could pass this post on to one of my NCT friends. She hasn’t been through as much as you, but had 2 births with haemorrhaging then as well as ending up back in hospital both times with more problems afterwards. She still wants a 3rd, as does her husband in the hope of having a boy (more for him than her). She seems to have put the dangers of her potentially not getting through another birth out of her mind, and ignoring the fact that without her to do everything, her husband would have no idea about looking after their children (he does nothing at the moment). I really hope she seriously thinks about the dangers before making a final decision, as you’ve obviously done.
    Emma T recently posted..Bathtime bonding with MateyMy Profile

  7. Katherine says:

    Beautiful post. It must be a difficult decision to make, but it sounds like it is the only one which can be made. Look forward to all the positives now, seeing you three healthy, beautiful children growing up. I love yor photos too xx
    Katherine recently posted..Another ice activity..My Profile

  8. Loubelle says:

    You are making the right decision but I know from personal experience that it still takes time to come to terms with. You have to give yourself time to grieve for what will never be, but take heart from the wonderful family you have. Hugs xx
    Loubelle recently posted..A pencil and ruler pagodaMy Profile

  9. Monika says:

    Emma, you are so lucky to have got through the past years and come out with 3 wonderful, healthy children. I don’t think the longing goes away, but as you rightly say it’s best to concentrate on what you do have and not on the what ifs.

  10. Pinkoddy says:

    I am unable to relate to most of what you have been through but I do know what it is like to have to make the decision to stop having babies because you know it’s for the best but your heart yearns for more. Many congratulations on your award and I look forward to your journeys as a family blog (as opposed to baby).
    Pinkoddy recently posted..Bonfire Night – Fun and SafetyMy Profile

  11. Jenny @ The Brick Castle says:

    That day comes to us all at some point – we all have a limit and you appreciate the risks and are taking a really measured view on it. If it helps confirm your decision a friend of mine knew she shouldn’t have any more but ignored it and suffered an horrific yet early miscarriage resulting in her having emergency surgery twice and removal of her entire innards. Her children had to witness their Mother pass out and nearly bleed to death in the family car. An event she’ll wish forever that she could take back. Some things are not meant to be xx
    Jenny @ The Brick Castle recently posted..Lego Batman: The Movie – DC Superheroes Unite ReviewMy Profile

  12. Ann says:

    I stumbled upon this looking for support groups for women who can no longer have any children. I have two beautiful boys, yet my secret # was 3. During the birth of my second son born last Jan, I suffered uterine rupture and rupture of my bladder. I have been told also that yes I can conceive, however it would be extremely risky. I barely survived my last birth and might not survive another. I have not yet accepted this fact and constantly think about trying again, but then I look at my boys and think about how selfish I would be to risk my life and them growing up without a mom just because I always wanted 3. My heart breaks when I think about not having anymore. I am trying to learn to move on and just enjoy the fact that I have been blessed with two beautiful boys. I am trying…easier said then done…but I am trying.

    • Emma Day says:

      Thank you for sharing your personal story Ann. I know exactly how you feel, and I hope it helps you to know there are others of us, feeling the same. I think this kind of acceptance, takes years. Treasure your boys, and remember, there are other ways. Perhaps keep an open mind on adoption? Sending you virtual hugs. x

    • Rachel H says:

      Ann, I just found this post, also trying to find support. My story is exactly the same! Went into labor at 35 weeks just in Jan. with my second son, had to have a c section. Had a small uterine rupture and afterwards had to have bladder repair surgery. My OB begged me to not have any more kids. Very heartbroken, but learning to be thankful for what we have.

      • Amy Wilden says:

        Ann & Rachel, thank you for sharing your stories. I also have two beautiful children and I’m blessed to have them, but have always had the magic 3 # in my head. I had my daughter in March by emergency c-section. My uterus, cervix & beyond tore during surgery. They spent 3 hours + trying to stitch me back together. They surgeon & doctors were very vague at the time about any future pregnancies. I’m due for a follow up appointment shortly to find out for sure but know in my heart I would never try for another child if it put mine or the baby’s life at risk. My children that are here and now need their mother. Thank you ladies for showing me I’m not the only person dealing with this situation

  13. mummytries says:

    Although tinged with sadness, this is an incredibly beautiful post Emma. You have been through so much already, I would be feeling the same. Sometimes the risks just aren’t worth it. Love the way you’ve ended the post. You have a gorgeous family xxx
    mummytries recently posted..Family Update: October 2014My Profile

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