If I ever publish this post… well then I’m either very brave or very stupid. This post will lose me some of my followers and some of my friends too. The cold, hard truth is, that people will judge me, because that’s what people do, when they can’t understand a situation. When they haven’t been there themselves. But I’ve written it for therapy. To try and understand what is happening in my own head…

I was told, that I should avoid having anymore children, due to the risk of HELLP Syndrome. But at the same time, I know in my mind, that there are people, who have survived HELLP Syndrome and gone on to have a healthy pregnancy afterwards. That knowledge has always left a little hope in my mind. I know how lucky I am to have survived and how lucky I am to have three beautiful daughters. I need to remind myself of that now, more than ever. 

I was also told that I shouldn’t get pregnant within 6 months of having my internal radiotherapy for Thyroid Cancer. That’s fine, I had no intentions of getting pregnant. Not until the twins are much older. My husband and I have been careful in the bedroom department and I even had the Depo Provera injection to make me baby-proof.

But something has gone amiss.

I am pregnant.

I went to see my Doctor, just a few hours after I lit up those two little lines. I was anxious, excited, terrified and hopeful, all rolled into one. 

I thought they’d tell me, that I was stupid, for somehow still getting pregnant, despite the precautions. I thought they’d tell me the pregnancy would be high risk and that I’d need monitoring all the way through. Consultant care and liaison with my oncologist as well as my obstetrician. 

But that’s not what happened at all.

I was told to wait in the waiting room, while my doctor made some calls. This was a very unusual situation. She was certain she knew the risks, but she had to check.

On calling me back in, I was told, that I can’t continue this pregnancy. Putting the risks to my own welfare aside, the risks to the baby, were just too high.

It was a crushing blow. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t speak. I just nodded, whilst my eyes filled with tears. 

She said she’d speak with the top specialist in the field, and call me back after the weekend. I allowed myself to hope. To hope they’d say “the risks aren’t actually that high – you have a choice”

The specialist also told me I can’t continue the pregnancy. An urgent abortion is being booked in my name.

I’m against abortion. I had one many many years ago, against my will, because I was bullied into it, by the man who got me pregnant. I didn’t tell anyone. I have lived with the shame and the grief, for all this time. I have a dark corner of my soul that will never see light, because of that experience.

The thought of having to do it now… is unbearable.

I didn’t plan this baby. I took steps to prevent it. The timing is not ideal. The possibility of facing HELLP Syndrome again is beyond terrifying. But now I’m pregnant… I want this baby so much.

I am a hugely maternal person. My children are my entire world. They are everything I live for. They are the definition of happiness. They are everything that is perfect in the world. I loved them, from the second I conceived them. I felt them. I grew them. They were a part of me. Just as this baby is now.

Yet I don’t have a choice.

Legally… Yes I do. I could refuse “treatment” (why do they call it that?). But no margin for choice has been left in the words those doctors have used. Terms as strong as “hideously deformed” and “it would have no kind of existence”, have been used.

You see… the radioactive iodine inside me, is still working to destroy all thyroid cells in my body – to eliminate the chances of my Cancer returning. The levels are very low, but it’s still working. 

As my baby develops… It will grow a thyroid too. And the radiation in my body… will destroy that thyroid. Without a thyroid, a baby can’t develop properly. They would be severely disabled, both physically, and mentally. If they survived at all. Those are the reasons, that my doctors say I must have a termination.

Doctors have saved my life, countless times. And I have to put my faith in them, that they are doing what is right. They are referring me for counselling, but I don’t think it will help.

I have requested to speak in depth about the extent of the risks with a foetal medicine expert too.

All I can do is cry. 

I feel pregnant in every way.

And that mother-foetus bond is already there. How do I say goodbye to that?

Right now I am an inconsolable wreck. I feel so alone, despite the fact my husband is going through it too. It’s happening inside me. The tears won’t stop and neither will the heartache.

I keep praying to miscarry naturally, so that I won’t have to go through with this. I walked past a Christian anti-abortion demonstration a few days ago. It made me feel like this will turn me from a good, kind, loving person into a dark evil creature who deserves to burn in hell.

It will damage me beyond repair. It will fill my life with a grief that I don’t know how to cope with. And the guilt – a burden I have to carry forever. 

I have a baby growing inside me, that I can’t keep. How can I possibly accept that?

If there is such a thing as Karma? What did I do that was so wrong?

Since writing this post, I have been diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. I no longer need to have an abortion, but life saving surgery to remove my fallopian tube, means I have now lost my baby. I had surgery on 3rd April 2014 and will blog about it soon.

  1. emily tealady says:

    Oh emma I am so sorry you are facing this. How heartbreaking. You are not an evil person. You must do what’s right for you and your family. I am thinking of you and whatever happens I would not judge you at all – you are in an impossible situation. Lots of love x

  2. Kelly Wiffin says:

    First of all, no one should judge you. I don’t really know what to say but I couldn’t just read and not comment. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Hope that you have enough support. I am sure there will be a lot of us bloggers that will be there for you. I know I am one..here if you need me x
    Kelly Wiffin recently posted..Mia Tui Ella bag review and discount code!My Profile

  3. JennyFrankfurt (@readerofwriting) says:

    This is hard time, understood on all levels. Congratulations mixed with despair.
    My initial thought is that as you are to able to get pregnant you will again, at a better time, when your body is clear of the radiation and better prepared to have a healthy baby. Having a baby die or be high special needs is a choice you’d have to make – do you want that when you might have another down the line when things are less risky not just for the baby but for you? You have children to think of.
    It’s not easy to say all this. Sometimes, however, what we believe in as a rule (abortion), does not always apply to us. Your well being and that of your family is of the utmost importance. Your futures…you must trust a bevy of doctors, for they are not basing this emotionally as you are, but medically and as people who have an oath to save lives and prevent harm when they see it.
    I am sorry you are going through this. xx

  4. messed up mum says:

    Omg, actually crying for you, my heart aches for you. When I encouraged you to publish this I really couldn’t have anticipated anything as traumatic as this. You pointed out the issue of morals, if by that you meant the hope to miscarry then I absolutely understand why you feel that, I hope you don’t mind me saying that as I read it I wondered myself if this might be the ‘easiest’ option for you. This is one of the hardest blogs I’ve ever read, I’m sorry I can’t offer you advice but I wouldn’t be so ignorant to even pretend I would know how to deal with this. Please turn to people for support to get you through this. Whatever you chose to do there will be so many people behind you, I for one would support you through any decisions. Sending all the love and support in the world your way, I hope you can find a way through this so you can be happy. Just look at the three beautiful children you have in front of you to cheer you up :-).

  5. Rh1annon says:

    All I can do is send love & strength at this difficult time. A friend had to make the same heartbreaking decision so I can understand all the feelings you’re having. Big hugs x
    Rh1annon recently posted..Silent SundayMy Profile

  6. Mothergeek says:

    πŸ™ sending huge hugs xxxx I doubt anyone will hate you or think any less of you for this, Emma! You did everything you could have to prevent it. Now your mother’s instinct has kicked in. You want to protect your baby. That’s pretty natural in my book.
    I had a termination many years ago in circumstances quite similar to those you experienced years ago too. I still feel guilty today. This is totally different. This isn’t the father pushing you to terminate, it’s health professionals. I’ve got no idea how that makes it different, but it does. It sounds like it’s well and truly out of your hands. Ask for a second (and third) opinion to make sure, but if they are right and you can’t see this through, you have nothing to feel guilty about. X
    Mothergeek recently posted..Shh – Doreen’s Having her SoreenMy Profile

  7. Leanda Hickman says:

    My heart goes out to you and your family, but you have to remember that everyone is thinking of you and your health. It is a terrible thing to be told this but it will be for the right reasons. It would be terrible for your child to have no quality of life but at the same time I do understand that you have created a life so the maternal instincts are there. If people are going to judge you instead of listening to you were they ever actually worth knowing.? Sending you virtual hugs ((())))) xx
    Leanda Hickman recently posted..Oh So HappyMy Profile

  8. Marilynn1982 says:

    I can’t begin to imagine how you must be feeling but my heart is truly breaking for you. How could anyone judge you after reading this? Certainly anyone who does is absolutely heartless and best ignored. Are there any other doctors or specialists you might be able to talk to? Whatever happens, there is absolutely no judgement here. Wish I could say or do someone to help. X

  9. Unmumsy Mum says:

    So sorry to read this post. I don’t think you need worry about anybody judging you – this is a situation out of your control and not one you have created. The medical professionals must be trusted, or what else do you have left, but you must go easy on yourself. Thoughts with you.
    Unmumsy Mum recently posted..When Mother’s Day is a Hard DayMy Profile

  10. Carrie (Time to be an adult) says:

    Emma as so many other people have said, there can never be judgment in this situation. It’s impossibly difficult and I’m sure everyone will support you through it. Someone once said to me “As long as you make a decision based on the facts that you know at the time, it can never be a wrong decision and people should not judge”. Thinking of you and your family at this incredibly tough time xxx
    Carrie (Time to be an adult) recently posted..Silent Sunday 30th March 2014My Profile

  11. elaine says:

    What a heartbreaking situation to be in…..my heart goes out to you!
    I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, but no-one surely could judge you in a situation like this. (((((hugs))))) xx

  12. Super Busy Mum {Debs} says:

    If someone judged you for this post, then they deserve to be shunned because as someone has said…you have been put into a terrifyingly impossible situation here.
    But you do need to do what is best for you & your family hunny. As you said yourself Doctors have saved your life many times before…and I know this situation is just beyond horrible for you as a family…but they are just trying to save you again.

    My thoughts are with you at this time sweetheart…*massive hugs* xxxx
    Super Busy Mum {Debs} recently posted..A few London sights.My Profile

  13. KellyO says:

    So sad to read this and I feel your anguish and pain. I went through a very similar experience last year – first I ‘had to lose’ a much wanted baby girl at 14 weeks, I thought the guilt and pain would kill me… but then two weeks later my eldest daughter died in my arms(age 12) from a brain haemorrhage. She was otherwise a totally fit and healthy girl. A cruel, cruel blow. How I didn’t crack I don’t know and for a while I felt it was ‘karma’ or God punishing me for aborting the baby. My faith prevented me, thankfully, from going down that tricky road. But my daughter’s death of course eclipsed the loss I was already mourning… well I hadn’t even begun to get my head around it… to lose two daughters in such a short time was beyond understanding… it always will be. I’m sharing this as a way for you to perhaps see things in a different more hopeful way; you have healthy beautiful children, and you have potential to have more, it won’t ever take away the harshness of what you have to face now – there’s no doubt that it will stay with you forever which I think is part of the sorrow, but they are your peace and your grace. I have another daughter and a son and thank God for them each day. But from all my tragedy there was hope. I got pregnant again four months later, despite the risks of the condition happening again, and I gave birth 5 weeks ago to a healthy baby boy. I will always mourn my lost baby and will always carry guilt for what I did, but I feel I’ve been given another chance of happiness in my new child. Each blessing is special, no matter how long they are with us. I’ve yet to share the fullness of my story on my blog and I’m so glad you have, this is clearly a hidden subject that happens all too often. Thank you, you’ve given me the courage to open up further in the future. My thoughts are with you – and do keep writing throughout the experience, it will help. (My blog is http://chasingdragonfliesblog.wordpress.com/ )

  14. Lesley - Scottish Mum says:

    Life certainly throws us curveballs. You’ve not done anything wrong and grieving is the most natural thing in the world. I wish you and your family all the strength you need to get through this. Nothing I can say will help, but thinking of you and yours. x

  15. Colette ("We're going on an adventure ....") says:

    Oh my love. After everything you’ve been through.
    People cannot possibly judge you. You are not making decisions & choices. This is beyond your control & happening to you without your say so. You have to trust in the Doctors as you say. They are doing what is best for you and your baby even if it doesn’t feel that way. X
    Colette (“We’re going on an adventure ….”) recently posted..Hi Tec Haraka running trainers (first thoughts) – ReviewMy Profile

  16. Helen okeeffe says:

    Such terrible sadness that has come from something so lovely. Your loss is immense and completely understandable. Aware as you are of the tough parts of being a parent, indeed a mother, you should look at the need to end the pregancy in the same way as any parent with a terminally ill child must see it. Simply it is a kindness. A kindness to a little person you will always love but on whom you cannot inflict any pain or illness. It is a decision to remove life support and allow your little one to drift off asleep, unaware of the burden and guilt the decision puts on you.
    It is the kind act of a mother. As awful as that is, you will be ok and it is the right thing to do.
    Be strong xx

  17. Amanda says:

    Oh darling, what a truly shitty decision for you to make.
    I’m at a loss as to what to say, no woman should have to ever be in such a situation, however you have proven time and again you are strong enough to cope with this.
    Amanda recently posted..How Does Your Garden GrowMy Profile

  18. Claire Lazy Girl Blog says:

    Right number one, I love you to bits, we all do (you know who I am referring to), anyone judges you or is nasty then send them my way as I will kick their poxy arses and tell them about their Mum.

    Now I’ve got that out there….

    Sweetheart, we have seen the highs and lows but we have not been in your position. Thank God frankly as I’m a wuss and couldn’t have gone through it with the dignity and spirit you have. We cannot even begin to comprehend what you have been through and what you continue to go through. A child, that despite the odds stacked against it is still your child, you made it and you wouldn’t be the person you are if you didn’t feel the way you do. You need to say to the doctor that you need time, you need to talk as a family with as many knowledgeable people as you can find, there is no rush.
    I can see their point, I’m not going to lie, but this is you, you and your hubby have to sit down, take a breath and come to your own decision.

    Just know we are here for you, no matter what.
    Claire Lazy Girl Blog recently posted..Is It Just Me?: Who Thinks Its Not That Farage Won, Its More That We All Hate Clegg?My Profile

  19. Maddy@writingbubble says:

    My heart goes out to you completely. What an awful situation. No one worth knowing would judge you on this. You’ve done nothing wrong and whatever you do from this point you are absolutely NOT evil. Of that I am certain. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about although I do understand why you would feel that way because I know that instinctive feeling of wanting to protect your unborn child. A termination in your situation could be the best way you can protect them though. I know it sounds awful but it sounds like you would be releasing them from a life of suffering at great emotional cost to yourself. You would be putting yourself in pain to save them. That is the ultimate act of love really – an act of self sacrifice for the best intentioned of reasons. Thinking of you xxx
    Maddy@writingbubble recently posted..starlightMy Profile

  20. Mrs TeePot says:

    Oh sweetheart, *massive hugs* I just don’t know what to say, but I had to comment. I needed you to know that anyone with a heart is not judging you, they are sending you love, support, anything that might help with this impossible situation.

  21. Mummypinkwellies says:

    Oh darling, darling Emma.

    Firstly YOU did not do anything wrong, you must not think that!

    I am so sorry you are going through this, after everything else. Life is so unfair sometimes.

    I don’t know what else to say other than I’m thinking of you xxx
    Mummypinkwellies recently posted..Silent SundayMy Profile

  22. Verily Victoria Vocalises says:

    Words don’t really seem enough for this situation my lovely but I wanted to say that you are in NO WAY an evil person. As you may know I have my own potential for complications which may put me in this position and, anyone who doesn’t walk in your shoes, is not allowed to judge you and your life decisions. I know that the decision has now been taken out of your hands though honey. Some things are just meant to be. Sending you all my strength and love xxx
    Verily Victoria Vocalises recently posted..Prose for Thought – I Noticed It This MorningMy Profile

  23. Mummy Glitzer says:

    I just want to give you a great big hug. My heart is breaking for you, I know how much you desperately would like more children and the timing is just so cruel. Anyone who judges you is not someone worth knowing in my opinion. I couldn’t even pretend to imagine the hopelessness and pain you are feeling right now. xxx
    Mummy Glitzer recently posted..Follow Up and LimboMy Profile

  24. Menai says:

    What Helen said above. I am so sorry. This is so hard and you have gone through so so much already in such a short time. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I personally don’t believe that God does condemn us to hell- that isn’t the loving act of our father. You are being asked to take action which would be the loving act of parents too, saving your baby from pain and suffering and a loving God mourns with us. I hope this can offer some small comfort or pause for thought and that there is a brighter future ahead somehow x
    Menai recently posted..Project 365 week 13My Profile

  25. suzanne3childrenandit says:

    No one should be judging you Emma, you have absolutely no choice. You have to do what is right for everyone concerned. I have since read your FB update and see that the decision was taken out of your hands. Sometimes it’s hard to understand why these things happen. I really feel for you πŸ™ x x
    suzanne3childrenandit recently posted..A Mother’s Always….Wrong!My Profile

  26. Kat Lucas says:

    No words will offer you comfort at this time, but know that you have many who wish they could just be there to offer you a hug.

  27. Kelly Finn says:

    Oh my darling Emma! I’ve just fully caught up on your TL after spending all day at the emergency doctors with Tia. If I could come to you to hug you I would. No one in their right mind can judge you for this when you took steps for it not to happen. And if you do loss followers, then they are people you don’t want/need in your life! I’m so sorry to hear the baby is ectopic, you must be so scared πŸ™
    Kelly Finn recently posted..Bluewater baby and toddler show competitionMy Profile

  28. Hayley F says:

    i’m so sorry you have to go through this, i will be thinking of you and your family. I don’t think anyone will judge you for writing this post. Take care xx

  29. lowri earith says:

    definitely no judgements I can’t imagine a worse situation to be in. My heart goes out to you and i will be hoping and praying that there is some resolution to this that doesnt cause you or your family too much pain. Good luck and know that you have the love and support of lots of people even people who you have never met xx

  30. Rollercoaster Mum says:

    I don’t really know what to say after reading all that you’ve been through – just that nobody is judging and if anyone is it is them that are evil – not you. None of this is your fault and you must not blame yourself for the ectopic either. I cannot imagine what you have been through but I have had an ectopic pregnancy so I understand that bit – please just make sure you look after yourself xx
    Rollercoaster Mum recently posted..Country Kids – A magical Woodland AdventureMy Profile

  31. Nicola Brown says:

    I feel so very very sad for you. I hope your true, real friends will be with you throughout all of this. Your post just caught my eye in my facebook feed and I had to read it in full. I wish you every good wish I can and, if you have to have the surgery to end the pregnancy, that doesn’t mean you have to deny that it happened. You will surely grieve for this little life for quite a long while. Perhaps some type of naming for this little life will help you to grieve fully. Be strong and I wish you well.

  32. TheBoyandMe says:

    No-one should ever judge a woman and her decisions, but of course they do. And normally very unfairly.

    But not here, not from me. You don’t deserve to be going through this, not on top of all the crap you’ve had in the past year. I’m so sorry Emma, especially knowing about the ectopic pregnancy.
    TheBoyandMe recently posted..Family Days Out ‘Wishlist’ – 2014My Profile

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