If I ever publish this post… well then I’m either very brave or very stupid. This post will lose me some of my followers and some of my friends too. The cold, hard truth is, that people will judge me, because that’s what people do, when they can’t understand a situation. When they haven’t been there themselves. But I’ve written it for therapy. To try and understand what is happening in my own head…
I was told, that I should avoid having anymore children, due to the risk of HELLP Syndrome. But at the same time, I know in my mind, that there are people, who have survived HELLP Syndrome and gone on to have a healthy pregnancy afterwards. That knowledge has always left a little hope in my mind. I know how lucky I am to have survived and how lucky I am to have three beautiful daughters. I need to remind myself of that now, more than ever.
I was also told that I shouldn’t get pregnant within 6 months of having my internal radiotherapy for Thyroid Cancer. That’s fine, I had no intentions of getting pregnant. Not until the twins are much older. My husband and I have been careful in the bedroom department and I even had the Depo Provera injection to make me baby-proof.
But something has gone amiss.
I am pregnant.
I went to see my Doctor, just a few hours after I lit up those two little lines. I was anxious, excited, terrified and hopeful, all rolled into one.
I thought they’d tell me, that I was stupid, for somehow still getting pregnant, despite the precautions. I thought they’d tell me the pregnancy would be high risk and that I’d need monitoring all the way through. Consultant care and liaison with my oncologist as well as my obstetrician.
But that’s not what happened at all.
I was told to wait in the waiting room, while my doctor made some calls. This was a very unusual situation. She was certain she knew the risks, but she had to check.
On calling me back in, I was told, that I can’t continue this pregnancy. Putting the risks to my own welfare aside, the risks to the baby, were just too high.
It was a crushing blow. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t speak. I just nodded, whilst my eyes filled with tears.
She said she’d speak with the top specialist in the field, and call me back after the weekend. I allowed myself to hope. To hope they’d say “the risks aren’t actually that high – you have a choice”.
The specialist also told me I can’t continue the pregnancy. An urgent abortion is being booked in my name.
I’m against abortion. I had one many many years ago, against my will, because I was bullied into it, by the man who got me pregnant. I didn’t tell anyone. I have lived with the shame and the grief, for all this time. I have a dark corner of my soul that will never see light, because of that experience.
The thought of having to do it now… is unbearable.
I didn’t plan this baby. I took steps to prevent it. The timing is not ideal. The possibility of facing HELLP Syndrome again is beyond terrifying. But now I’m pregnant… I want this baby so much.
I am a hugely maternal person. My children are my entire world. They are everything I live for. They are the definition of happiness. They are everything that is perfect in the world. I loved them, from the second I conceived them. I felt them. I grew them. They were a part of me. Just as this baby is now.
Yet I don’t have a choice.
Legally… Yes I do. I could refuse “treatment” (why do they call it that?). But no margin for choice has been left in the words those doctors have used. Terms as strong as “hideously deformed” and “it would have no kind of existence”, have been used.
You see… the radioactive iodine inside me, is still working to destroy all thyroid cells in my body – to eliminate the chances of my Cancer returning. The levels are very low, but it’s still working.
As my baby develops… It will grow a thyroid too. And the radiation in my body… will destroy that thyroid. Without a thyroid, a baby can’t develop properly. They would be severely disabled, both physically, and mentally. If they survived at all. Those are the reasons, that my doctors say I must have a termination.
Doctors have saved my life, countless times. And I have to put my faith in them, that they are doing what is right. They are referring me for counselling, but I don’t think it will help.
I have requested to speak in depth about the extent of the risks with a foetal medicine expert too.
All I can do is cry.
I feel pregnant in every way.
And that mother-foetus bond is already there. How do I say goodbye to that?
Right now I am an inconsolable wreck. I feel so alone, despite the fact my husband is going through it too. It’s happening inside me. The tears won’t stop and neither will the heartache.
I keep praying to miscarry naturally, so that I won’t have to go through with this. I walked past a Christian anti-abortion demonstration a few days ago. It made me feel like this will turn me from a good, kind, loving person into a dark evil creature who deserves to burn in hell.
It will damage me beyond repair. It will fill my life with a grief that I don’t know how to cope with. And the guilt – a burden I have to carry forever.
I have a baby growing inside me, that I can’t keep. How can I possibly accept that?
If there is such a thing as Karma? What did I do that was so wrong?
Since writing this post, I have been diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. I no longer need to have an abortion, but life saving surgery to remove my fallopian tube, means I have now lost my baby. I had surgery on 3rd April 2014 and will blog about it soon.