Yesterday I wrote about the heartbreaking truth of my pregnancy. A lot has happened since then.

I spent Wednesday in hospital (Massive thank you to Sarah who blogs at Mum of Three World for looking after my twinningtons – you may have quite literally saved my life!). I went in for a scan to find out what gestation my pregnancy was, and if we were looking at one or two babies. The sonographer couldn’t find a foetus at all – on an external or an internal scan.

Another pregnancy test was taken and no surprise, it was still positive. So bloods were taken and my HCG levels were checked (pregnancy hormone). I was told that if they exceed 4000, then a foetus should be visible on the scan. I was called at home on Wednesday evening and told my HCG levels were just over 7000 and so I’d need to go back to hospital on Thursday for more tests.
They wanted to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. 

Yesterday morning, after having a sonography probe up me for half an hour, the foetus was found in my right fallopian tube. This is an ectopic pregnancy. I was immediately admitted to hospital for surgery. In an ectopic pregnancy, if not removed, the fallopian tube can rupture, causing internal bleeding, severe pain and me to collapse. They wanted to prevent this from happening.

By 11am, I was nil by mouth and up on a ward. The doctors used my hands as pin cushions until they could finally get a cannula into one of my tiny, traumatised veins. At 2:30 I was given a bed in a ward with five other lovely ladies. Mum and Jonny came to visit me with the children at 4pm. The children couldn’t stay long, but my mum, who’d travelled two hours on a train to get to me, stayed with me until 8pm, when I was finally called down for my surgery. Mum and I, have spent a lot of time together in hospitals, and it’s always her I want to be with before I go into theatre.

I was the last one on the list, so I was lucky I wasn’t made to wait until morning.

I enjoyed a few minutes of deep relaxation under sedatives, before they put me to sleep under general anaesthetic. For once I wasn’t frightened. But then hospitals have become like a second home to me now and I’ve had more operations over the years, than I could count.

I was having a laparoscopy – which is keyhole surgery. They insert a camera in just below my belly button, and two probes in to move things around. They located the fallopian tube with the foetus in, and removed it (the tube and the baby). This meant I didn’t need to have any larger incisions made, but it’s still quite traumatic surgery. As well as the pain from the wounds and from my organs being moved around (and a bit cut out), I have horrendous pain in my shoulder, neck and chest. This is called “shoulder-tip pain” and is a result of them pumping my stomach full of gasses, to see more closely what they were doing.

I woke up in a nice peaceful, dark recovery room, with a lovely nurse looking after me. I was given pain relief, after pain releif, after pain releif. Until eventually, at midnight, I was okay to be taken back to the ward.

I’m writing this post from my hospital bed, drugged up on painkillers but still close to tears. I’m in pain, I feel sick, I can’t eat, I feel groggy and I’m frightened of going home. I’ve been in such a bad way today, that no doctor has even considered letting me go home.

When I do go home, the twins will want to sit on my lap, and Jonny will probably underestimate how poorly I feel. I can’t be touched right now. Anywhere. But especially not my tummy.

The painkillers are thankfully holding back some of my emotions, but I know that soon it will dawn on me, that I’ve just lost a baby. It hasn’t sunk in yet. The grief is on pause.

The hardest part of this operation, for me, was signing “consent for the cremation of foetus and foetal remains”. Why do they have to write it like that? Why do they have to make me sign it at all? Can’t they just do what they have to do, discreetly?

I keep telling myself, I’m lucky it was early. My baby didn’t have a heartbeat yet. It would have been tiny and not even resembled a baby. It was a foetus. But in my head… it still would have grown into a baby. My baby.

But nature took it’s course. A pregnancy becoming ectopic is nobody’s fault. There’s nothing I could have done to prevent it and I did nothing to cause it. This baby just wasn’t meant to be.

At the moment I just feel numb. The reality of this hasn’t sunk in. People on Twitter have said “I’m so sorry for your loss”, but my body still thinks it’s pregnant. I still have the bloating, the nausea, the cravings, the wind and the sore boobs. I still feel pregnant and that could still go on for a few days, maybe even a week or two. Somebody please tell my body to accept this… so that I can.

I’m going to continue hitting the pain killers hard, until I’m discharged from hospital, so at least I can be at home, when I crumble and grieve.

 

  1. Gillian Turner says:

    Sending you lots of love. I’ve been through the same just a little over 5 yrs for my first, I had a second 2 years ago. I always find people never know what to say to a woman who has had an ectopic. I still find people struggle when I tell them about it. The pain and the scars will heal but the memory of your loss will always be with you. I found great comfort from ectopic.org the national charity. You can light a candle for your baby, because that is what it is, your baby and leave a message. I like to ‘visit’ mine on certain anniversaries, and add to my messages. Take time to heal, both physically and emotionally, be open about your feelings and hug your babies extra tight when the pain and swelling is gone. Lots of love xx

  2. Faded Seaside Mama says:

    Emma I’m so sorry you are going through this pain right now. As you say, the emotional pain hasn’t been given the time to hit yet but you sound prepared for when it does and I think that it is a positive step that you are accepting this is inevitable.
    I hope that you are able to sleep peacefully tonight to give you the strength to face up to tomorrow and what lies ahead. And that those cuddles are wonderful without being painful.
    Do take care of yourself, allow yourself to grieve when the time comes and let yourself heal.
    Sally x
    Faded Seaside Mama recently posted..Word of the Week #14My Profile

  3. chantelle hazelden says:

    First of all of all I know others have said it but I am truly so sorry for your loss!!! When I miscarried for the second time it took a while for my body to aknowledge what my brain already knew, so I can sympathise slightly with what you are feeling. I really hope you recover quickly and that your pain is minimal. Grief is part of the process, just carrying on talking. Huge ((hugs)) xxx

  4. Maddy@writingbubble says:

    Just as with your post yesterday my heart goes out to you. I don;t really know what to say as it’s such a sad situation and so difficult and painful for you, both physically and emotionally. Look after yourself and let your wonderful friends and family look after you too. Thinking of you xxx
    Maddy@writingbubble recently posted..a new challengeMy Profile

  5. Tina Summers says:

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I would feel like I had lost my baby to. You are one brave lady and thankfully, they managed to operate before anything else happened. Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx

  6. Tracy Nixon says:

    Just want to say I am so sorry and feel for you. I went through a very similar experience 8 years ago. It was very painful I know – not only physically but emotionally too. 2 year previous to my ectopic I delivered premature triplets – 3 little boys, Callum, Ceiran and Connor, born at 27 weeks weighing 1 lb each. Ceiran died in my arms, aged 2 days, then 5 weeks and 4 days later, Connor died in my arms. Callum survived but spend the first 3 months of his life in hospital and he turns 10 this year. The pain never goes away it only gets easier to cope with as time goes by. To lose any child, whether born with a heartbeat or during the very early stages in pregnancy is still a loss of your baby. So don’t be afraid to grieve and don’t be afraid to accept help. Be strong and look after yourself xxx

  7. Katie @ AMotherThing says:

    I genuinely don’t know what to say except that my heart hurts for you, and I have said a prayer for you, your family and the baby. You’ve been through so much, and I can’t even imagine how difficult it has all been. Through your words, you have reached out and touched so many people. I hope that all those whom you’ve inspired can be your strength now. xx
    Katie @ AMotherThing recently posted..Pregnancy DreamsMy Profile

  8. Sarah MumofThree World says:

    I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry you are going through all of this physical and emotional pain. I hope it gets better soon, but I know it will take a long time. Thanks for the mention, so glad I could help out in my little way. x
    Sarah MumofThree World recently posted..The leaving doMy Profile

  9. The Pie Patch says:

    I’m so sorry.

    My mum had a ruptured ectopic 34 years ago. My dad wasn’t home. She was alone with my brother who was still a baby. She had to pull the telephone onto the floor to call an ambulance. She nearly died several times. After surgery, some thoughtless doctor told her “at least you have a son”. His way of letting her know she wouldn’t be having any more. A year later I arrived. Then my sister.

    I know this doesn’t make your loss any easier to bear. I know it hurts in every way possible. I just want you to know that you can & will get through it.
    The Pie Patch recently posted..Eating London: East End food tourMy Profile

  10. Janice says:

    Emma, hello from the lady that was in the bed opposite you. I will pass on your very kind words to my colleague in recovery.

    I am very sorry to hear that you are still feeling rough.

    • Emma Day says:

      Thanks Janice. Me, Julie-Ann and Gillian are still here. I’ve got a UTI too which is why my pain is so bad.

      They are really short staffed today, so no idea if I’m going home or not.

      Yes, your recovery team are fab.

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