This post is depressing. It’s about depression. Depression that came out of nowhere and seized my life. It took my soul away and I sit here writing this, feeling just a shadow of my former self. It’s a jumbled collection of bad luck and bad feeling. I apologise to all my readers who enjoy my usual happy upbeat posts. I just have to let it out somewhere.

Since I went to Britmums Live, I feel like a total failure. I feel like there is nothing at all, that I’m good at. I feel like my life is slipping out of my hands and I have no control over anything.

Someone I thought was a close friend, recently decided to question and criticise every single aspect of my life, even parts of my life they’ve never seen or have any understanding of. They made me feel like scum. Lower than scum. It cut me like a knife and I still get upset thinking about it.

Another friend regularly makes snide remarks about how I look. I’m not even sure if she knows she is doing it half the time.

I am a good mum. I’m a really good mum. But I’m pretty sure it is the only thing I am good at. And it is so hard to be a good mum, when all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. The kids routines and cuddles are what gets me through each day. They are my beautiful blessings and my saviours.

I am a rubbish housewife. I hate housework. And I think often I’m probably a rubbish wife too. I lose friends as quickly as I make them. I snap at people and push them away, without realising I’m doing it. It’s as though I constantly feel like I’m hurting and I want to pass that pain off onto others. I know that’s wrong. It’s been a long time, since I had a “best friend”, but the one I am closest to, doesn’t seem to want to know me any more.

I’ve not been able to work much lately due to my health problems and I’m still struggling with the grief from my ectopic pregnancy, even though I’m told by many, that I should be over it by now. I have no idea how I managed to listen to the moving keynote speech about miscarriage, by Grenglish, without breaking down. I’ve certainly made up for that lack of tears since I left London.

I’ve been skipping hospital appointments. One with my consultant, to check my Thyroid Cancer hasn’t returned and another for a procedure I have to have, to remove cells (possibly cancerous) after an abnormal smear. I’ve missed six appointments now in total. I’m too scared of the C word, to go to either appointment. I’ve convinced myself that I have cervical cancer, but I can’t face finding out for sure. What if I don’t survive the third time around? I’m no longer the strong fighter I used to be.

Jonny and I are having to downsize on our home (which is only rented anyway), due to the debts we accumulated when I had Cancer. It seems there are 101 obstacles preventing us from moving. We are sitting in a black hole.

At Britmums, I was overwhelmed by how many people came to talk me. And especially when one or two said they felt “starstruck” or that they had “always wanted to meet me”. I’m no star. I’m even a failure at blogging now. I’ve not managed many posts since my Ectopic Pregnancy. I have so much to write, but so little time and when I find the time… I just seem to be tired.

Many people asked me how my #EmmasArmy campaign is going and how the walk went. I am happy to talk about the walk – It was hugely challenging, I did it with a fabulous and inspiring group of people and I’m proud we all achieved it. But on the whole… I feel like my whole idea was a failure. I wanted lots more people involved. I set out to raise £20,000. We aren’t yet up to £3000. I haven’t even made my own personal target of £1000 yet. I feel like I’ve let Cancer Research UK down and that I’ve let many other people down by not achieving anything like my goals. So when people ask me about my fundraising, I just get this sinking feeling in my chest.

I have so many goals, that seem so far into the future that they are unobtainable.

Every day this week, I have driven the school run, late, with tears streaming down my face, trying not to let Bunny see.

I feel completely and utterly alone. Nobody seems to know how to help me.

It’s shocking how much depression can affect your physical well-being. I can’t eat anymore. I feel sick all the time and if I try to eat, I feel worse. I have palpitations and feel like my ordinarily low blood pressure is through the roof. I constantly switch between shivering and sweating, I’m dizzy, I’m weak and I cry all the time.

I’m known for my uplifting views on life, always looking on the bright side and finding the good in everything. I’ve always been a fighter. People call me inspiring. But now, I’m uninspiring. I’m a self-pitying wreck and I hate myself for it.

  1. Hazel Christopher says:

    I know I don’t “know” you but really want to send you a big ((hug)) right now. I think you’re very brave for speaking out about how you’re feeling, it’s a difficult thing to do – and for even doing this it’s inspiring to so many, honestly. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better for you but I hope thinks get better for you soon xx

  2. Mummy Glitzer says:

    Oh Emma.

    I know it’s hard, so hard to try and give yourself a break when you really don’t feel like it. Have you spoken to your GP? I just want to give you a huge hug and I want to someone help to relieve some that weight you must be feeling. I just wish I was closer or even had a car to come and visit. xx
    Mummy Glitzer recently posted..A Brighter OutlookMy Profile

  3. Karen says:

    Oh Emma. Do you know, you are one of the people that I’ve never met in person but rave on about to anyone I meet when the topic of being brave, tough and fighting for something comes up, and how high a regard I have for you. You’ve had such a bloody tough time, and been through SO much and are still dealing with so much, whilst putting on a brave face, and fighting for your family, and fundraising and everything. I’m not surprised you are struggling, there’s only so much one human, no matter how tough they are can take. You are NOT a failure and you must not compare yourself to anyone, we all have crappy bits, or bits we aren’t doing so well on, you are however a brilliant mum and that is a huge thing.
    Will you go and see someone? Your GP or someone who can maybe help you get some counselling or someone to talk to? I know it sounds trite but it really has helped me to have someone to unload to, to help me get things in my head straight and also to see things a bit more clearly.
    As for stupid people criticising you, sod them. I know it hurts, just had the same. A big Facebook cull and a few boundaries have made me feel more protected and like I am looking after myself, and don’t listen, either. People like to pull people down, and you don’t need that!
    I wish I could help more, I do understand some of what you feel, it’s a very hard place to be, and lonely. Sending a virtual hug and you know you can vent, share and ask for help, or just to be listened to. X

  4. andrea says:

    Please go to your gp. I was diagnosed with depression last autumn and in the last few weeks have been the happiest in a long time. An improvement started after a few weeks though.

  5. Mummy Barrow says:

    Oh Emma. This will be brief as on phone and I am rubbish at typing on it. But I couldn’t read and run.

    You are not a failure. You so aren’t. You have been poorly physically and mentally and have possibly done a but too much too soon after being poorly

    Ok so you didn’t reach £20,000 but £3K is a huge amount. How many people do you know who have helped raise that in a week?!!

    You just need hugs and to take a step back. Forget the blog. Focus on those cuddles.

    I am here if you want to talk and I so sorry I didn’t talk to you at Britmums

  6. lowri Earith says:

    Hi Emma I just wanted to say I read your post and I know that it is probably not much help to you but you sound far from a failure to me. You sound like a fantastic mother who has been dealt a lot of bad cards and who is dealing with them as best she can with what sounds like very little support. Depression is a terrible, confusing and often all consuming thing which everyone who suffers with it has to deal with in their own way and their own time. As long as you keep going day by day you will get to where you need to be. Sending lots of love Lowri x

  7. Kelly says:

    I hear your pleas in this post, can sense the downward spiral, one thing pushing down another. But yet when I read this I also see the positives. The money you HAVE raised for others is amazing, not a failure. Your debts and house move difficult but a sign you are trying to adapt to your changing circumstances. Your blogging is brilliant when and where you like. Why not take a blog holiday for the summer to focus on you. Just turn it all off. Your friend well is no friend. There is no need for a best friend. I have different friends for different things. But you do need someone to lean on. When depressed I go to a counsillor. Talk to someone who won’t judge. You have so much on your plate. You sound overwhelmed. The only thing you must do is get to the appointments! I cannot imagine your fear, but your children need their mummy to look after herself as best possible. Let the thought of them force you to go. I’m sorry I don’t think this is coming across well but I just want to say you are not a failure. You might feel it but you’re not. You’ve just been trying to cope with too much on your own. Please take some real time to focus on you. You WILL work it out. X

  8. Karen says:

    Hi Emma

    i am so sorry to hear that you are being so hard on yourself. I too have suffered from depression and can relate to all that you say. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You are achieving great things everyday, knowing how you feel just getting through the day is a massive achievement.
    It does pass, my only advice is to try and surround yourself with positive people who accept you warts and all, try and get outside everyday and exercise if you can. Look after yourself eat and sleep and i found that writing it down did actually help. So well done on writing your blog. Thank you for your honesty – to have written what you have written is not only courageous and brave, it is so very very helpful to others. So even in a dark hour you are still selfless. Thank you Thank you Thank you and may the black cloud pass quickly. Warmest regards Karen

  9. Livingwithpotsuk says:

    I can empathise completely as the black cloud visits me regularly. Admission is very difficult and brave and I applaud you. We haven’t met as I wasn’t at Britmums but if ever you need a shoulder just shout, being housebound means I have time so you can use me as a sounding board xx

  10. Michelle Twin Mum says:

    Ohh Emma, we don’t know each other that well but I know for sure you are still that strong woman you always have been but it is OK to feel vulnerable, tried and downright fed up with all the shit that has come your way. It sounds like it is your turn to be looked after and to allow yourself to heal and to be. Don’t keep trying to do so much, when in the grips of depression it is enough to be being a good Mum. You are doing well. Forget raising money, every penny you have raised makes a difference, take the pressure off yourself and start being kind to yourself. Bless you Emma, I’ll pray for you and your lovely family. Mich x
    Michelle Twin Mum recently posted..I like being MumMy Profile

  11. TroublesMum says:

    What? How is raising any sum of money while undergoing your own personal battles anything over than a success? And as for your friends, well I think you’ll manage just fine without them. I too have few friends outside of the blogging world and do I give a damn? No I do not. You’re doing a fantastic job with your family and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Please talk to whoever you need to about your ectopic pregnancy, which must have been very tough. Emma, you are a fighter. Please don’t give up.
    TroublesMum recently posted..So long, and thanks for all the fishMy Profile

  12. Joanna says:

    Emma, my heart is breaking for you in the most sincere way that expression allows. I am suffering with depression at the moment during my second pregnancy, having had it during my early twenties, and I feel like a total failure, I hate myself and feel so alone I want to die sometimes. You are not alone in this. You have been through an unbelievably tough test of endurance, more so than most people face in a lifetime, and you ARE a strong and brave and courageous person. Depression is an illness. This is not your fault, this is a problem with your brain being unable to balance endorphins. I would really really recommend you get yourself on some anti depressants because they really do take away the bleakness and the crying and the inability to eat and sleep and the feeling of failure. They just blur it out and give you a feeling of strength again. You CAN and you WILL get better I promise. You have so much, but you must help yourself now. If there is anything I can do please just let me know by email or through my blog xxxxx

  13. jo says:

    Hey Emma, this is just too awful! Firstly, I’m really sorry not to have met you at Britmumslive to tell you how inspiring you are. Still that won’t help a jot if you’re feeling like this. Secondly, sounds like you are beyond exhausted and need serious help – a trained medical person who understands depression. I get the sense that you put so much onto yourself, and your expectations are beyond what anyone with your hectic life even without having suffered an ectopic pregnancy can achieve.
    I believe you are extraordinary for even taking on the idea of walking was it 110 miles? And raising £3,000 is a huge amount of money, so you haven’t remotely failed. I once started a project involving many people which didn’t get off the ground in the end, but good came out of it nevertheless.
    Please make an appointment to see your consultant. If you go soon, there’s a much stronger chance of clearing up any potential problem. I’m sorry not to be able to help more and I don’t know what it’s like to be you, but think you are very brave sending out this letter. Remember what the Good Enough Mums Club said? No I don’t recall most of it, as I was too busy wheezing through heads and shoulders knees and boobs, knees and boobs. Just that it’s ok to be a good enough Mum, and you are that. X Jo
    jo recently posted..Britmums Live 2014 – What REALLY happened!My Profile

  14. The pr mummy says:

    Emma depression is shit. I’m at my low point too. People make me feel low with their crappy comments and they don’t care that it hurts. I have lost all confidence. You need to surround yourself with colour and positivity and keep talking about it. I feel for you. Honest to god I do. I just want to hug you. Please email me with your number or email xx

  15. Ericka says:

    Right, where do you live ? I’m coming to make you a cuppa, (milk in first, tea leaves and tea pot) and talk to you about how great you are till you feel better.
    Love the honesty of this post but crying in the bath over it (was in bath anyway. Did not get naked upon reading this)
    I’m having a poo time. Husband left me 15 weeks ago, now have three kids under six, an auto immune disease and a house to run. I’ve had lots of so called mates suggest why he might have legged it. Cheers!!!
    I’ll come and call the friend who hurt you rude names. I know that pain.
    You rock. You’ve lived. You KNOW things, what life is about. You feel pain and love and still bloody blog In between. Love yourself. Be proud of who you are. Xx

  16. Rachel (@Parenthoodhighs) says:

    I dont know you emma, other than through your blog posts, but I can certain!y, without doubt, tell you that you’re not a failure. You’re younger than mW and have gone through more than I could ever imagine. You’ve raised an incredible amount for charity – £3k!! Think of the many, many people you will have helped by doing that. That’s approx £2,950 more than I have ever raised for charity. Please go to the doctors and talk to someone about how youre feeling, and catch up on your medical appointments. They’re not nice, but once they’re out of the way you can get on with trying to make yourself better. Depression is an illness, one that many need help with and that is nothing to ever feel ashamed of. Hugs x

  17. Hannah says:

    Emma, so much of that resonates with me I don’t know where to start. I wish I’d seen you at Britmums, I missed so many people. You are not a failure. Depression makes you believe that but it’s not true. Sending love xxxx
    Hannah recently posted..Pregnancy Diary: 13 WeeksMy Profile

  18. Linda says:

    I think you’re a lovely and wonderful person, I hope the comments here help you and show you people care very much. It’s okay to not be okay. The strongest thing you can do sometimes is be kind enough to yourself to allow yourself to get help, I know that feeling of not following up on results, please take care. £3k is phenomenal. Go you xxxxx can you remove some pressures from your life for a while? Take time away from blogging? You are so not a failure xxx
    Linda recently posted..Thank you for listeningMy Profile

  19. Emily G says:

    Just wanted to say Emma that you’ve been through so much, no one should expect you to just get over it all like that. Two years later and I still get tearful about my ectopic pregnancy. Emma I urge you to go to your health appointments; you need to make sure you are well for your family and yourself. You are an inspiration to many; you were one of the first blogs I read and when I met you I felt that starstruck. You have raised all that money for charity and it’s amazing what you achieved. Make sure you see your GP and get some support. I know nothing I can say will make things better but I do hope things start to feel better soon x

  20. Mums do travel says:

    Emma, I’m so sorry that you’re going through such an awful time and that you’ve had such terribly bad luck. You’re absolutely NOT a failure, you’re amazing and inspirational and your blog is fab. It doesn’t matter how often you write on your blog at all, just do it when it is right for you. I’ve no personal experience of depression so far in my life but I hope that the comments from others who know how it feels will help you. Sending you lots of good wishes and positivity x

  21. Jo Laybourn says:

    Emma. You are lovely and are not a failure at all. I’m so sorry you feel that way. I’m also so sorry I didn’t see you at BritMums. I so would have seeked you out and had a chat!
    I’m sure you have heard this loads but you are an inspiration, raising money for Cancer Research, dealing with cancer twice and raising 3 wonderful daughters. Please be less hard on yourself. I’m also so sorry you had an eptopic pregnancy. Of course it will take time to get over this. Please try not to worry about what people think of you and go give those gorgeous girls of yours a big hug. xxx
    Jo Laybourn recently posted..The Incredible Lifecycle Of A Butterfly!My Profile

  22. Jenny @ TheBrickCastle says:

    Crikey Emma, I don’t think there’s a single person out there who would ever describe you as a failure. Targets are there to strive towards, but it doesn’t matter if you reach them as long as you have fun and learn along the way. Raising £3000 is massive, you’ve let no-one down.
    Going through what you have and coming out unscathed would be a miracle. Listen to all of these people, go to your GP and tell her or him you need your happy back xx
    Jenny @ TheBrickCastle recently posted..Rhubarb & Custard Baking-Stable Jam from DuerrsMy Profile

  23. Claire @ Clarina's Contemplations says:

    Lovely Emma… It was such a joy to meet you and hang out at Britmums… I’m so very, very sorry for the rough time you’ve had these past few years. You have fought incredibly bravely and it’s OK to feel tired, and worn and exhausted from being brave for so long… I really, really want to give you a big hug right now and say if you want to chat, or meet up, please please let me know. Was genuinely so lovely to meet you… Big hugs and please know I am praying for

  24. Julie Roo says:

    Emma I just need to say you are not a failure.
    I also have depression, I often curl up and cry, sometimes I don’t even know why. I sleep, way.too.much just to cope.
    I also have medical “issues” at the moment I am scared to go get checked out as I fear that C word too.
    Maybe we should go to some kind of walk in center together? We could help each other?
    Julie Roo recently posted..What makes AltoMincio awesome?My Profile

  25. Stephs Two Girls says:

    Hi Emma, am just going to echo all the other words really – because they are true. You are definitely not a failure, you are a success – like you said, you are a good mum. I often think that’s the only thing I’m good at too! You have done more than most by having the walk idea and carrying it through; 3K is an amazing amount.
    Please do catch up on those hosp appts before you do anything else (or see GP). They may help clear your mind just a little, and/or get you the support you definitely need. That doesn’t make you not strong, it just makes you sensible and even stronger accepting help xx

  26. Capture by Lucy says:

    I think you are your harshest critic and you have so many things to be incredibly proud of! Sometimes it’s impossible to find the positive in a testing situation that you feel has no way out of. But setting achievable goals will help, help you feel like you are achieving because I can tell you you have achieved so so much and are an inspirational voice in the blogging community. £3000 is an amazing amount to raise! Be proud of the things you have done rather than focusing on the things you haven’t, I hope that will help give you something to smile about and I’m sorry we didn’t get to cacth up at BritMums Live xxx
    Capture by Lucy recently posted..Wimbledon Strawberries and Cream Ice PopsMy Profile

  27. julie says:

    Emma, I thought u were inspiring before I met u in person and doing the walk with u just confirmed what I thought – not only have u beaten cancer twice, raising twins (which is the hardest job I’ve ever done), completed a tough physical and personal challenge whilst being a loving wife and successful blogger all before your 30th birthday. What u have achieved is amazing – and with such challenges to cope with on the way. Go easy on yourself, allow yourself to recognise its been tough but if it really is depression – see someone because it’s an irrational illness where logic does not apply and (from my limited experience) needs proper help to recover from. And please get your tests done – is been on my mind since you mentioned it and I wasn’t sure how to nag u to get it done. I am sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts with this message x x

  28. Menai says:

    Oh darling you. You are having a very tough time and have been doing so for years and years and you have kept going, kept fighting to make the world a better place. I am so sorry that things are so tough. You have raised thousands of pounds and tons of awareness. You are a great mum. I have no doubt that you are loved and your writing is firm and great, whatever the subject (including this one). You are not a failure. You are a human being and it’s ok to be tired and need some help, love and support. I hope you can access some help, however it comes. Love x
    Menai recently posted..Project 365 – week 26My Profile

  29. Sarah MumofThree World says:

    Emma – I am so sorry to hear this. You are not a failure at all. I’m sorry to hear about friends letting you down. It’s no wonder you are feeling low after the things you’ve been through over the last 18 months – it’s hard to keep on fighting and you’ve just had a temporary crash because the adrenaline and the fighting can’t go on forever.
    Please don’t miss any more hospital appointments, because it’s not just about you, it’s about the girls. You need to be there for them – you are such a good mum.
    Sod the housework. I’m crap at it too. There are more important things in life.
    Emma’s Army was brilliant, and don’t forget that. You might not have made £20,000, but that was a huge target to reach – it even took Team Honk a long time to get there with everyone who was involved.
    You know where I am – please give me a call. x
    Sarah MumofThree World recently posted..Time aloneMy Profile

  30. Five's A Fellowship says:

    Do you know something Emma? You are totally not a failure. You’re a mum of Twins and I know enough about that to know that you’re flipping awesome for that alone! Who else can say they’ve brought two gorgeous children simultaneously into the world at once and then raised them will all of the stress that comes with parenting multiples?

    But then you’ve gone far beyond that – you’re a mother of three beautiful girls, you’ve overcome so much and even though it may feel like the whole world is against you, you’re still standing, you’re still fighting.

    Try not to worry about your blog – those people who love you and what you write, will still be here because they understand your situation. Step back, rest, sleep – take some time to care for yourself. You’ve done so much for so many people – focus some of that energy on you for a change. Then, when you feel up to it, we’ll be here with warm thoughts and support to help you through. x
    Five’s A Fellowship recently posted..Top Tips to Keep Your Kids Occupied on A Rainy Summer’s DayMy Profile

  31. Patricia Walker says:

    The first reaction is always the banality of I know exactly where you are and how you feel. No I don’t. I know how I felt when I was in the same place and on that level I can and will stand with you to begin the long walk back to life.

    I walked the path of cancer with my eldest daughter over a period of 5 years, she has Hodgkins and has been in remission for 3 years now after 2 rounds of chemo, high dose chemo followed by radiotherapy so I have a little insight into that side of things for you. Please please rearrange the appointments – it’s vital that you have the check ups because the difference being given an all clear result will lift so much off your mind.

    As far as being a failure is concerned I can only ask you to question the relative people, i.e. your husband as I’m sure he will always tell you the truth and say you are a brilliant wife and astounding mother.

    Goals? All you have done with those is set them at an unrealistic level for this period in your life…re-examine those goals and bring the goal posts down a little and each time you gain the lower level raise the post a little and grow in confidence with it. If you ever need anyone to use as a sounding board/ screaming wall I, along with many more than you might think, will always be here to lend the ear.

    Fundraising…it’s a hard one to feel like you’ve really achieved anything. When my daughter was first diagnosed with cancer we went into fundraising mode for Weston Park CTU in Sheffield as they really did make the difference between my daughter dying and living at a mental level for the whole family. They were so supportive it was incredible. Any and all amounts raised to help these organisations is a bonus to them as so much more is always needed so never sell yourself short on that.

    Friends… there are more than enough enemies in life without having “friends” who treat you like that.

    I guess this has turned into a bit of a rant – it isn’t meant that way. There are many of us out here who would be proud to stand beside you and call you a friend

  32. Helen ActuallyMummy says:

    Hi Emma, it’s bloody hard when depression gets a grip. I know, and I’ve not been through half of what you have. Please do go and see your GP and do as they suggest. And go and get your check ups done. I know it’s hard, but chances are good that they will be housekeeping procedures and then you can put them behind you and have one less thing to worry about. Get someone to take you to make sure you go.
    As for the money, it’s a nightmare asking for money, so to have raised £3k is a huge achievement. Cancer research will be incredibly pleased with it, just as they are with £50.
    Hope you turn a corner soon lovely x

  33. Suzie Grogan says:

    Hi there Emma. If you message me (email or Facebook) I will send you a free copy of Dandelions and Bad Hair Days, the book I edited that raises money for mental health SANE.Some have called it a support group in a book and it has had fab reviews on AMazon. I have had the big C too, and suffer with depression and anxiety and I know what a struggle it can be managing all that with kids to protect. I wanted it to raise thousands and like you felt disappointed when it didn’t go viral, but remember it is all the little things you do that make the difference and it isn’t all about the cash. Think of the delight you gave those mums at Britmums. You mean something to people and this too shall pass. Hang on in there Suzie x

  34. MummyOfSeven says:

    You are not a failure. You give your all to your children, you have raised a lot of money for a charity (every single penny helps), you are an inspiration to so many people and, despite all that you have been through, you have kept going.

    I have bipolar disorder, I know what depression feels like. Some days I can barely get out of bed for the fear of stepping into a black hole of despair. It sucks. I also have seven children (including twins) and a husband. They are the reason that I fight my demons and try to beat this darkness that consumes me.

    If I had a penny for every time that I’ve been told to “pull myself together” I’d be a very rich woman. It’s not that easy, I know.

    What I have to say next may sound a little harsh. Please don’t hate me for it. I’ve needed a kick up my backside more than once when I’ve been in the depths of depression and it’s given me the boost I needed….

    Get your backside up to your GP’s office NOW. Depression is a nasty thing and you need help to get through it. You need to ask for that help. Reschedule your hospital appointments TODAY. Don’t leave it any longer. You know, deep down, that you need to do this Emma. It’s not going to go away if you ignore it, much as you may want it to. Please don’t put yourself at risk. Do it today. Do it now.

    I won’t pretend that I know what you’re going through, I don’t. I had CIN2 a couple of years ago, which doesn’t come close to all that you’ve been through. I know you’re scared and I wish I could hug you and tell you that it’s all going to be ok.

    Please know that you’re not alone, there are an awful lot of us here to support you if you need us.
    I hope you’ll forgive my frankness. xxx

  35. Claire LazyGirl Blog says:

    Oh Emma. You are not a failure. You know why?
    You have been open enough to admit that you feel that way. That’s the first step.
    The only thing I thought when I saw you was “there’s my gorgeous, strong and bloody hell glowing these days friend”. You looked amazing, and I say that as at Dyson you looked completely different.
    You know you must go to the appointments. They’ll understand about it, and you must speak to someone about how you feel.
    I can understand why you’d be reluctant, but the worry alone surely must be worse? I don’t know.
    As for grief, grief is personal, it works its own timeline. Some will get over things and bounce back in weeks. Others will take their time. Anyone who makes you feel shit for taking the time you need is really not worth your concern.
    You know, sometimes its OK to fail. Sometimes failure is the best thing, as then its all up.
    We just downsized and I thought I’d hate it but after 4 years its like a breath of fresh air. I think you may need to see the CAB or a debt advisor who may be able to contact people on your behalf. Its not OK to leave you like this when you have had enough to deal with, its not just like you have sat about, you were seriously ill.
    I really want you to know that we all think the world. Take your time, take a breath x We’ll still be here x
    Claire LazyGirl Blog recently posted..Camping and Festivals With Kids: What You Need, What You Don’t And How to Enjoy it!My Profile

  36. Mrs Teepot says:

    While I know from experience nothing can be said to stop you feeling this way, I couldn’t just read it and not say anything.
    You are not a failure, far from it.
    Have you seen a Dr about your depression? And have you spoken to CAB or similar about your debt issues?
    There is a way out, there is light at the end of the tunnel, I know you can’t see it but all these people who have commented are here for you, holding your hand.
    You can go to those appointments, you can come through this. *big hugs*

  37. sarah says:

    For a Start you are no way a failure!!! Look at those chldren!!

    I have sadly been in a similar position recently where I lost my best friend. I’m heart broken, but there was and is a third party who has destroyed everything i believed in.

    Loosing a Baby is something you never get over and know one can tell you too. I’ve lost 6 babys, but am lucky enough to have 3 beautiful girls. I still hurt. you just learn to cope with the pain as time goes on.

    i follow your blog and you are an amazing person who has just got to a point where you need some help…. please go to those appointments. make sure you have to biggest mansize box of tissues ever…. please take care…

    Sa xXx

  38. Pinkoddy says:

    Oh Emma big squeezey cuddles. I can only echo what others have said. You have been through so much and achieved a huge amount. You know I am not far away if you need me x

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