Dear Jamie,

I find it hard to believe, that it was ten years today that you left this world behind, and a trail of grief in your wake, for all of those whom loved you. I was one of those. I wonder if you knew?

The last time I saw you, was in a pub in Salisbury, where we were all celebrating getting our A-level results. We were all happy and looking forward to University, even though we were all going separate ways. That’s the only reason you and I didn’t pursue a relationship – neither of us wanted to ruin the other’s experience of Uni. But we had something special, you and me, that we didn’t talk to others about.  We all left that pub reluctantly, knowing we would all miss each other. 

Most of my college memories, are of you, me and Caroline hanging out together. Oh how I loved college. I’d love to relive those days. Sneaky drink in the pub on our lunchbreak, even though we were underage. Counting our “conquests” on the walk back. Talking about where we’d be in the future. You texting me from a few seats away. Sometimes naughty, sometimes sweet, sometimes just a wonderful friend. 

I have so many memories, and a few secrets, from our time together, that I cherish so much. But as each year goes on, I regret the memories that have faded over time.

I still think of you most days, if not every day. 

It sounds silly, because unlike you, I have very little faith in religion, but sometimes, when I’m frightened, I ask you to keep me safe. I have no idea if there’s an afterlife, if you can hear me or see me, but sometimes when I ask for you, I feel less alone.

I’m married with three beautiful children now, whom I love with all my heart, but sometimes I still feel like the lost teenager you knew. I graduated – but just for the letters, I didn’t use my degree. I want to be a published author instead. I think you’d be proud of where my blog has taken me.

I often wonder what you’d be doing now, if you were still here. What you would say to me, or think of my life choices. 

I sometimes go down that dark and lonely path where I wonder, if we’d had a relationship, would you have been in that car? Or would I have been in it with you? And I know those are thoughts I should banish, but occasionally they creep back in. 

I visit your grave, even though it’s a long way away, and I find grave yards the most terrifying places on earth. I take a yellow rose every time – to symbolise eternal friendship. The same yellow rose I got tattooed on me, to remind me of you forever, just a year after you died. Last time I visited the cemetery, I took my children with me and they played in the park next door. I got upset all the way there and all the way home, yet whilst I was by your grave, I just felt silent. I can’t work out if you are there, or not. 

Ten years.

A decade I’ve been missing you. 

And I will continue to remember you fondly, for all the decades to come.

You will always be in my heart Jay.

And in Caroline’s too.

 

 

  1. Julie Roo says:

    Hello Emma,

    I didnt see this yesterday, I am sorry.what if’s and whys are such awful feelings, they can churn you up inside. I wish I knew the right things to say. I was in love with E over a decade ago. She was single, and I was with a homophobic male partner. E went missing, and I still think about her, still miss her, probably still love her. Of course a missing person isnt the same as Jamie being gone, but its the nearest feeling I have. And I am so sorry you are still hurting. x
    Julie Roo recently posted..Is it 1950 still?My Profile

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