pills

They say that mum’s don’t have time to be ill. The truth us, being poorly, is ten times harder when you are a mum. You have to keep going, you have to still do everything, no matter how bad you feel. 

 

Unfortunately for me, I have an immune system which totally sucks, thanks to the chemo I had twenty years ago and doubly thanks now, to having no thyroid. I seem to get ill nowadays just from “overdoing it”. I wonder if yesterdays #MarchOnCancer was too much for me? Or was I getting ill anyway?

I catch everything going and always suffer to the worst degree. The flu, for example, knocks me out for about 4 weeks. Kidney infections, of which I’m now a connoisseur, usually need at least twenty days of anti-biotics and then kick me harder with a throat infection – the two always come together.

I am so very in tune with my body. I know before I get ill. I know how high my temperature is, without a thermometer.

Sometimes, I can even tell the doctor what is wrong with me, before I reach their office. Like I do with every infection. Like I did with Thyroid Cancer.

I’m so sick of being ill. When I’m ill, I feel like I am useless, worthless and a total failure at being a mum.

I hated the look on my girls faces today, when they wanted mummy, but mummy was in bed, with so little energy, that I couldn’t even cry. The bed sheets on top of me, feeling more like a blanket of rocks. Their sweet little pudgy fingers stroking my arm gently, feeling more like a punch.

Today I couldn’t get out of bed. I don’t know what is wrong, but everything hurts. I have spent the last 22 hours drifting in and out of consciousness, only to wake up in pain and with a fever. I hate being ill and being ill makes me feel depressed. What use am I to them, when I am like this all the time? How am I going to cope with the school run tomorrow, when today I could barely make it to the toilet without falling over. I want someone else’s body now. Someone else’s strength. Because I’m all out. 

Now the girls are in bed, I have finally summoned up the energy to cry, and I can’t tell you what a relief that is. 

I know there must be more people out there, like me, with shit immune systems, that get ill all the time, whether cancer or tonsillitis. Sometimes I wish I knew some of them, so that I felt less alone, when I’m in my dark place. When I’m lying in bed, full of self pity and hating my body for never giving me a break. Will my kids grow up saying “oh mum’s always ill”. Will they remember all the times I wasn’t well enough to play? Will hospital visits always be a routine part of their lives? Will they resent the messy house, all the times I was too poorly to clean?

I’m a mum, so I have to suck it up and get on with it… but sometimes, being poorly a lot, is really really hard.

  1. Sarah MumofThree World says:

    Poor you! That sounds so hard. I have a friend who is always ill and always gets hit very hard – she’ll end up hospitalised with a stomach bug. She doesn’t have children and had been told she would be unlikely to get pregnant, very unlikely to go full term – and labour or a caesarean would be very risky due to botched surgery she’s had. In the blogosphere I guess Mummy Glitzer would relate to how you feel?
    I am the complete opposite to you – I was last ill (with a bit of a temperature and lack of energy) in April 2009! I get colds, bit nothing else.
    Sarah MumofThree World recently posted..He did it! (Grammar school entrance exam)My Profile

  2. Stephs Two Girls says:

    The children know you for the amazing mum you are and they will no doubt grow up to be very caring individuals, so please don’t worry about that. You need to concentrate on getting your strength back every time you are ill – by doing the best you can for you, you are also doing the best you can for them x

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