People often don’t think of an ectopic pregnancy as a miscarriage… but it is.
Miscarriage is often a taboo subject and ectopic miscarriage seems to be even less talked about. It’s difficult to talk about. Nobody knows what to say. Sometimes a virtual hug is enough. Someone to say, “It’ okay to feel sad about it”.
We can talk about it when it happens, but afterwards, that’s it, get on with it. Everyone else has forgotten, so why haven’t you?
With an ectopic, you have the surgical scars to remind you, every time you see yourself naked.
I’m sure that it will get easier, once time has passed, but here’s the truth…
I had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy in April. My due date would have been in November. It’s nearly November. And as November draws closer, I think about it more and more. There are good days when I don’t think about it, until I get undressed for bed. But there are other days, when I’m reminded that I should be pregnant. That I should be just over 8 months pregnant. I should be huge. I should have people guessing the weight and sex of my baby or how long I’ll be in labour. I should be massively excited, whilst grumbling that my back hurts.
There is no bigger reminder than when I see someone who is pregnant in town. Or when I go online and read all the pregnancy updates of my friends and fellow bloggers. Or the new baby announcements. Of course I am thrilled for them, I am happy that they have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies, but I also feel the jealousy building up inside me.
Yes I know that a pregnancy for me would have been risky, and I’m certainly not trying for another, but the fact remains, I was still pregnant. For a short time, I was growing a baby. People telling me “It was only tiny and not fully formed”, does not help. It still would have been a little life, that I had grown. It was there, inside me. I had created it.
People saying, “But you have three beautiful girls already”, doesn’t help either. Implying that I’m greedy to have wanted my fourth to survive, or that I don’t appreciate the three incredible girls I already have, only serves to make me feel worse. Whilst an ectopic pregnancy is nobody’s fault, it’s unavoidable, it still comes with a substantial amount of maternal guilt.
So here I am, breaking the taboo… I am still sad about my ectopic pregnancy. There are days when I am happy and there are other days where the sense of loss feels like a kick in the stomach. Those days when I have mood swings or cry for seemingly no reason… there is a reason. So if you know someone who has suffered a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy and not yet reached their due date, don’t just assume they are okay. Give them a hug and let them know you care.