Most of the time, I am a positive person, who can see the bright side of everything and I try my best to see the good in everyone. I try to be a good person and do things that help and inspire others, especially when it comes to my blog. But there are times, as some of my readers know, when it all just gets too much and I break down into a fit of depression. I’ve blogged about depression before, I’ve also blogged about cancer and depression and I’m sure I’ll blog about it again in some form.
Depression brings guilt. SO MUCH guilt. For not being a better person, for not feeling motivated enough to do anything useful. For letting people down. For not inspiring people. It brings extreme insecurity, self loathing and irrational thoughts.
The last few days, have been like that for me. I have been at the lowest point I can remember since being on the low iodine diet last year. I have quite frankly felt like I was losing the plot. One of the reasons is what I blogged about the other day, being near my due date for the baby I lost in an ectopic pregnancy.
But this morning, something happened which brought about a small and uplifting change.
As I was sitting at rock bottom, in floods of tears, feeling wretched and weak, I received a tweet from a stranger. Just four words. Four words that meant so much to me. They inspired me. They reminded me of who I can be. They motivated me to see a doctor for the abdominal pain I have been in for about two weeks. The kindness of a stranger. Four words.
“You are a warrior”.
And replied with “You are a warrior”.
I tweeted back a thank you, and I received replies, telling me how strong I was.
Bearing in mind, that at the point in time when I was reading the tweet, I was the weakest I’ve been for a very long time… this exchange did something to me. It reminded me of all the fights I’ve won. All the things I’ve overcome. Not just Cancer, but other serious illnesses, miscarriages, ambitions, obstacles in my life, grief, a broken heart, broken friendships, physical and mental challenges, amongst so many other things too.
I questioned it.
Am I a warrior?
I never give up. No matter how low life kicks me, I always think that there is someone worse off. I always get up. Maybe I am a warrior?
After a few hours of thinking about this, I picked up the phone and I called my doctor. This afternoon, I saw my doctor and told her about the pain I was in, and that I was generally feeling low. It turns out, that the wound site from my large loop diathermy three weeks ago (to remove pre-cancerous cells from my cervix) is infected. The pain and a lot of the other problems I was having, were down to this. That wasn’t the end though. On top of my surgical infection, I also have a kidney infection. My doctor said that the combination of the two were bound to affect my mood, because I had been suffering for so long before seeing her. I felt so relieved, that had she not just had her fingers somewhere intimate, I could probably have hugged her!
I left with a prescription for 35 tablets which will hopefully, over the next week, restore me to full health and my normal happy positive self. And you know what? If I hadn’t had that tweet, I’m not sure I’d have even gone to the doctor.
So the moral of this story? Well there are several, depending on how you look at it. but the biggest for me is this… Four kind words can make a difference to someone’s life. Even a stranger.
So I challenge each of my readers to do the following two things after reading this post…
1) Ask yourself… “Am I a warrior?”. Think about all the things you have achieved/survived in your life. No matter how big or small. And be glad you got through them. YOU ARE A WARRIOR. And if you are feeling brave… share them in the comments on this blog. Tell me why YOU ARE A WARRIOR. Share the positivity. Be proud.
2) Pass on those four words. Or any four words. Or three, or five. Say something kind to someone. A friend, a relative, a stranger. Tell someone you are thinking of them and that they are strong.
I’m still feeling low, that’s not changed, but I am a little less low and I am feeling inspired. I am going to beat this.
I AM A WARRIOR
****Thank you to the kind stranger on Twitter, for making a difference****
I’m still fundraising for #EmmasArmy against Cancer. Please sponsor £1 or two. I walked 104 miles in 10 days and then I Marched on Cancer in Cardiff. #EmmasArmy is an awesome team of people doing spectacular things to raise money for Cancer Research UK. Help us meet our target.