I decided to take a break from the blog over Christmas and New year. Partly because I wanted to concentrate on family time and partly because I’ve been struggling with depression since September and I really haven’t been in a good place lately.

It was the worst Christmas and New Year ever, for a multitude of reasons. It’s because of that, I chose to go to bed by myself and watch tele on New Year’s Eve instead of celebrate. The date changing wasn’t going to make me hate myself any less.

I made no resolutions.

But I’m going to make one now.

In 2015 I want to find myself again.

From January to August last year, I was really happy, laid back, confident, funny, full of life, in control of my life and a brilliant mum. I had lots of friends, a positive outlook on everything and a ton of patience.

I don’t want to be the negative mess I have become. I don’t want my children to see mummy cry all the time and never ask why, because they are just so used to seeing it. I don’t want to be the person that lovingly prepares meals for the girls, but then starves myself because I just don’t feel happy enough to eat. I don’t want to be the person who woke up on New Year’s Day repeatedly singing the line “I hate the world today” from an Alanis Morrisette song. And feeling like I hate the World and everyone in it hates me. I walk around with a constant sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and some mornings I wake up, wanting to go back to sleep because I was happier dreaming.

I don’t want to be the person who is too tired to do anything fun. I don’t want to be the person stuck at home all the time, feeling like I’ve got no friends. Or having manic irrational arguments with the friends I do have.

I have no hobbies. I have nothing I do just for me. Nothing of my own, except this blog, but I barely even find the time to write nowadays. So taking on some new hobbies is going to be one of my first steps to finding myself again.

I’ve always been a firm believer that there can’t be a heaven, because I can’t imagine anything better than life. Even when life is tough, it’s beautiful. I have three incredible children whose smiles alone make me happy. Depression doesn’t care about logic or beliefs though. There is no rationale behind my low moods. It’s a chemical imbalance in my brain. One I want to beat. I want to find Happy Emma again. That’s what 2015 will be about for me. Finding that positive, fun, happy person that used to inspire people with a profound inner strength.

It’s time to stop putting everyone else first and wondering if anyone actually genuinely likes me. I need to start being more selfish and learn to love myself again.

  1. Joy Dehany says:

    Don’t bully yourself.
    Be kind to yourself, treat yourself the way a friend would treat you.
    Once you realise you are actually bullying yourself, by saying you don’t like yourself, and everyone hates you, you’ll realise that’s got to stop before you can take the next step, which is accepting you want things to change. You’ve had an awful few years with your health and of course that’s going to have it’s own consequences. I like you, or I wouldn’t be here now.
    I care about you too, and I know I don’t know you but I don’t want you feeling hopeless, and I genuinely care.
    You will not be able to have the things you’ve mentioned above if you keep being mean to yourself. You probably can’t see that right now, but you’re going to get worse if everytime you wake up you hate yourself.
    Speaking from experience…And I know not everyone is the same.
    xx

  2. Ally Messed Up Mum says:

    As someone who has suffered depression for half my life I can honestly say I do understand. Its so tough, and Christmas has always been one of my biggest triggers. The feeling of not wanting to leave ur bed is overpowering, the thought of getting a shower or eating is just beyond what the mind can take. Its not that you hate life, its that you think you’re not strong enough to get through it. Its awful, I know. But you are entering this year with the right attitude. It won’t be easy but keep setting yourself small goals, don’t pressure yourself if you don’t do everything you plan to and don’t let anyone put you under any pressure, including yourself. We’ll done for opening up, once again your courage shines. If you ever need any little tips or just moral support gimme a shout 🙂
    Ally Messed Up Mum recently posted..My boy’s photoshootMy Profile

  3. Kerry Lethbridge says:

    I’ve suffered from depression myself since I was 15 and I know what it’s like to be in that put of despair. I’m resolving to try not beating myself up so much I’m by far my harshest critic although very few people see that.
    I’m also a mum of 2 year old twins and feel isolated and like I’ve lost myself on a regular basis. This blog resonates so wll for me. Just remember to are amazing you’ve been through so very much and you are maling a difference to so many others.
    If you ever need a listening ear or just to rant please message me.

  4. Kirsty Hijacked By Twins says:

    I am so sorry you are feeling like this Emma. I too know how it feels when the dark cloud descends and it is awful. But please believe it is possible to come out of it. It is only recently that I am seeing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Have you seen your gp? I am on medication but I feel it truly works. I also had some cbt sessions. Take a look at the #embracehappy Facebook page run by Karin from Cafe Bebe. It is a great support network that has helped me to find the good in each day. If you ever want a moan please feel free to inbox me xxx
    Kirsty Hijacked By Twins recently posted..Matcha Breakfast CakesMy Profile

  5. Claire LazyGirl Blog says:

    Honey, we know you are struggling, and we’re still your mates, no matter what. I cannot begin to imagine the worries and stress your illness and the pregnancy caused you. Have you seen a GP? I was told after I had Eddie and he was ill, and I was ill too, that my breakdown was Post Traumatic Stress disorder. Its not depression, its just your sense of self being aware of how ill you were and how that has effected our body. The times when you were separated from the kids in hospital due to treatment, the strain that all had and I bet the fear you have of it coming back. Its a lot for a person to go through. You are normal sweetheart. I cannot fathom ow anyone could do it and not be effected in some way.
    Claire LazyGirl Blog recently posted..#JeSuisCharlie- Freedom of Speech and the Fear of Saying What You Feel in 2015My Profile

  6. Jenny @ The Brick Castle says:

    You do need to find you again. You need to go to your Doctor and explain how you feel, and even if you take nothing, you’ll have at least opened up in person. You need to talk to your husband, and you need to make a change.
    I had someone tell me how it was and make me cry and be angry yesterday, I’m not going to be so harsh on you – you already know the score x
    Jenny @ The Brick Castle recently posted..5 months…My Profile

  7. Anne Wallwin says:

    i’ve never been in your position but i have heard that walking is very therapeutic. In the summer i walked up brent knoll and it was exilerating. That was the first time i have ever done anything like that.

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