Since having the twins, I haven’t returned to full time work. I’ve done some part time work, but I’ve been adamant that I will not return to full time work until the twins start school. I am an extremely maternal (and emotional) person and I love spending every second of my time with my little girls. I know I am going to miss them like crazy when they start school. I treasure every moment I spend with them, even when they are being troublesome little mischief makers and I don’t want to miss a thing.
For three and a bit years I have been so happy to be a full time mum, staying at home with them and not having a job. In fact I would go as far as to say I have dreaded the idea of getting a real job.
Recently, I started a new job. Casual work. Part time. Just a few hours here and there. However, during the Cheltenham Literature Festival, I worked a 45 hour week. It killed me. I was really tired, everything ached to the point I found myself doing yoga stretches behind the bar… And I absolutely blooming LOVED IT!!!
I’ve been offered the opportunity of making this job a full time one, with a potential future promotion too. A big part of me wants to say yes. This new job, is similar to a job I loved once before, many years ago. It’s in the same field as my degree. It’s versatile, I can be doing a different thing every day, meeting new people every day, working with different people every day. I am enjoying the long tiring hours, the backache, the sense of having actually done something. And to be honest, I’m quite looking forward to the idea of not being totally skint all the time.
I know that my blog is already suffering for me returning to work. And I am already missing my girls and feeling a ton of guilt for enjoying my job. I’m like a tired emotional wreck, yet I feel happier than I have in ages.
I know that many mums go back to full time work way earlier than I have. That most mums overcome the guilt and live out their careers with passion and drive, simultaneously with motherhood. That the choices we all make as parents are what is best for our own individual families. That whether you choose to go back to full time work or be a stay at home mum, has no bearing on how good a parent you are…
So why do I feel so damned guilty for returning to work? Whilst I’m at work, I get on with the job in hand, but the moment my shift finishes, I feel gutted that I’ve missed my girls. I might have missed out on new words or phrases, I’ve missed their adorable little laughs and I’ve definitely missed out on cuddles. I love our cuddles so much. Putting them to bed is the highlight of my day and now my new job means I can’t do that every night. Is this just a case of me not wanting my babies to grow up? Am I being a completely irrational sap? Am I emotionally mature enough to go back to work?
AM I REALLY MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION? And who for? Is returning to work the right decision for my family or am I being selfish? Should I wait a year?