I’m now 17 weeks pregnant, but I wrote this post when I was 13 weeks pregnant…
I’d been excited about my dating scan since I lit up those two little pink lines on my cheap Wilkos test strip. SD is back in the county after going to his parents for Christmas and we’d planned to spend the whole day together after the scan. We’ve not spent any proper time together in a really long time and I think it’s exactly what we need to get back on track. I’d been trying to convince him that we should do something fun after the scan to celebrate and to just have some fun and be ourselves with each other. I suggested bowling, ice skating, lunch out, an aquarium and all manner of other places… he shot every idea down and said he just wanted to sit in a pub or restaurant and chat. I thought that was a bit disappointing, but I can see that the scan must be a pretty big deal for him – it’s his first baby. We’ve waited a long time for this scan too as I’m now over 13 weeks pregnant and I was only 4 weeks when we found out.
I had envisioned every scenario possible for the scan and really hoped it would bring us closer, or at the very least, end in some cuddles. I’d secretly hoped for some tears on his part and maybe an apology for his recent behaviour. After all, the texts he had been sending me made it sound like this was the day we were going to get back together. He had said he wanted to spend more time with me and still had feelings for me and everything he messaged indicated we were getting back together. So naturally, I was excited. But I wasn’t at all prepared for the grumpy, mute and unresponsive person who showed up for the scan. There were no hugs, no smiles and very little conversation. In the waiting room he didn’t once take his eyes off his constantly scrolling facebook screen on his phone. During the scan, he was silent and his face was blank. There was no emotion there whatsoever. Not towards me and definitely not towards the baby on the screen. I spent the entire scan wishing he’d disappear. Wishing I hadn’t allowed him to come. Wishing I’d taken anyone but him in there with me.
Baby Bear was fine. The correct size for dates and the right number of fingers and toes. It was a magical moment for me, even though it was ruined by SD who was only there in body but not in spirit. Baby Bear was well and perfect and I could see his/her little heart beating. We were given five photographs and SD took first pick. He stared at them like his life had just ended. That was hard to watch.
Unsurprisingly he cut our day together short and gave me two hours instead. Those two hours he spent saying nasty and untrue things about my personality and asking for a DNA test. The words coming from his mouth did not sound like his words at all and he was not behaving like him. I felt like I didn’t know him at all. This guy I was walking along with, was not a nice guy. Definitely not the guy I had conceived this baby with. It was though all the man in him had left and he’s been replaced by a teenager with a bad attitude and no compassion.
I had spent so many weeks looking forward to this magical day, where we got to see our baby on the screen together for the first time and he’d ruined it so much that on the way home, I got off the bus, leant up against a wall and cried my heart out.