I wrote this post when I was 16 weeks pregnant, after the horrible discovery I made 15 weeks pregnant. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant.
I’m 16 weeks pregnant and I can’t deny, that this was a difficult week for me. I have suffered every emotion under the sun. I have almost felt as though I was grieving. Grieving the loss of the future that I envisioned for my baby boy and for me and my girls. Anger. Hurt. Strength. Weakness. Pity. Loneliness. Girl Power. Hate. So much hate. Hate so powerful that I had thoughts which were totally out of character for me. Thoughts of revenge. And thoughts of suicide. A movie quote has run through my head all week… “I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns”, which I know from 10 Things I Hate About You, but apparently it is originally from Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew.
In one of my more desperate moments, I went to Gloucester Cathedral, because I just wanted to be somewhere where I felt safe. I wanted to feel safe and protected. I am not religious. I was Christened, but I have mixed beliefs and very little faith. For some reason though, I just felt I needed to be in this glorious building that people who do have faith, go to for peace. I made a donation to the cathedral, I lit a prayer candle and I jotted down a prayer in the most succinct words I could string together without flooding the cathedral with loud sobbing tears.
“Please pray for me as I struggle with feelings which I can neither bear nor understand. I am broken and alone. Give me the strength to go on, for the baby I carry inside me and for my beautiful children at home. Please show those who have hurt me, the errors of their ways and help me find the courage to forgive them. Let me find some small ray of hope, or love, or faith, so that I may get through this pain”.
I don’t know if anybody read it. I don’t know if there is any use in prayer. If there is any god to hear it. But in that moment, it was what I needed to do. And what I wrote, is what was in my heart. I wanted to stop feeling the hate and the anger and the pain. I wanted to not just come out the other side, but come out a better person. I would have liked to have stayed in that cathedral all day, because I felt safe there. I felt a tiny wave of peace. But life calls. Parenthood calls. So I had to paint on a fake smile, and get on with my day.
The one big shining positive this week, was my 16 week private scan. I went to Hello Baby 4D Imaging Studios in Cheltenham, where they performed a gender scan and also showed me my baby in 3D and 4D. I took Baby Bear’s Great Grandmother with me – the one person that I know from the baby’s paternal side of the family. Bunny and the twins came along too and although they didn’t really understand what they were looking at, they knew it was mummy’s baby and they were very excited.
Hello Baby is lovely. You walk in to a clean, modern and inviting reception area, with a toy corner for children to play in. The scan room itself has low level lighting, with pretty fairy lights, sofas and cushions for spectators and just a lovely homely atmosphere. It was so different from a hospital scan, because the sonographers take their time and they chat to you like they really care and really want to get to know you and your baby. They talk about the baby on a more personal level, rather than just medical terminology and measurements. And the photos you get are bigger than the hospital ones too!
At 16 weeks pregnant, a 3D or 4D scan isn’t really going to show you much, as the baby is still too little. They recommend you go back after 28 weeks for a really clear 3D or 4D scan. The 2D image is enough to tell you the gender of the baby though and after a spot of belly dancing on the bed, Baby Bear was in the right position for us to see the gender. If you missed my gender reveal video, pop over and watch my three children reveal the baby’s gender.
I left the scan feeling happy at having seen my baby, but as soon as I was alone, I felt completely overwhelmed at my situation. It’s difficult when you experience such a happy moment, but know it is supposed to be shared with the person you procreated with. I felt completely lost, not having him to talk to afterwards. Not being the one to tell him the gender of the baby we made together. It’s all very well taking a friend, but it just doesn’t feel right, that half of the bond is missing.