I am a very gushy mum. I tell my children about a hundred times a day, that I love them, and I wonder if that’s often enough?! I tell them that they are perfect, beautiful, funny and clever, because to me, they are and because I want them to grow up confident and believing in themselves. I have this fear of them not knowing how much I love them and I think it’s something you can never say too often. Like many mums feel about their children, my children are the centre of my universe. There are no words that could ever describe the depth of the love that I have for them.
I’ve reached that point in pregnancy though, where I have started to panic. I have been down this road before, when I was pregnant with the twins. I look at my girls throughout the day and when I tuck them into bed at night and I question, How could I possibly love another human being this much? How will I love a new baby as much as I love these three girls? Because to have this amount of love for someone, seems impossible. And to imagine that I could find this much love for someone else too… where will it come from?
Of course, I know the answer already. This happened with the twins. I spent the last trimester of my pregnancy worrying that I couldn’t love twins as much as I loved Bunny… but my goodness, those twins have made me explode with love. I am a very maternal person and I know that the moment that baby bear is born, I will fall head over heels for him, like I did with my other three. I know I will sit there gazing at that little miracle as he opens his eyes and studies my face and I will wonder how I created someone so perfect. My face will be one of the first things in the world that he sees and that’s magical.
And then there’s the fear of a new baby making me feel less close to my other three, but deep down I know, our bonds are completely unbreakable. It saddens me a little that my little babies won’t be my littlest babies anymore, but they are nearly four years old and part of life is accepting that they are growing up. When they start school in September, I will miss them so very much, but it won’t break our bond or lessen the love. Baby Bear will be here and as difficult as it is for my brain to comprehend right now, I’m sure he will add to our dynamic, not detract from it. I need to trust my heart and know that it will make room. In many ways, I love him already, but it’s different to how you feel when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time and become completely overwhelmed. It’s different to how you feel when you’ve spent years getting to know your child inside out. All of it, is just natural and instinctive.
The love just comes from nowhere and when you think you can’t possibly love anymore, it just appears. The love you have for your children doesn’t get shared more thinly when you have another child, it multiplies. A mother’s love in infinite. My love is infinite. Yet another part of being a mum is always worrying that you won’t be good enough. Worrying that they won’t know how much you love them, because you can’t put something that powerful into words. Holding your children close when you are pregnant and worrying, “How can I possibly love someone else, this much?”.
You just do and it never seems possible until it happens. Being a mum is the best thing in the world.