I’m currently 16 weeks pregnant, but this is the post I wrote when I was 10 weeks pregnant. I am no longer with (or in contact with) SD, but I wanted to share the whole of my pregnancy journey, so I have left it as written at the time and you can follow my story…
I’m now 10 weeks pregnant and I’ve come to rest on the final decision that I’m keeping this baby. Not that I was ever in any doubt, but there were a many times when SD said, “If you get an abortion, we’ll get back together”. He has been blackmailing me for quite some time now. “If you do X, Y and Z, we can try a relationship”. I’m so ashamed to admit I did most of the things he asked, but I WON’T be blackmailed into aborting my baby. I don’t have the emotional strength to go through with an abortion. He said he “CAN’T and WON’T be a dad”. I might have wanted to attempt a relationship, but it was purely for the sake of the baby. I CAN’T and WON’T be bullied into an abortion! The maternal instincts have already kicked in. I’m a quarter of the way through. Even the nausea is fading… and being replaced with a huge obsession with cheese!
I saw the consultant obstetrician today who was keen to remind me I’m still hypothyroid… In case I hadn’t noticed!!! But finally, between him and my oncologist, they have agreed on a dose of thyroxine that will provide me and the baby with enough thyroxine to be healthy, whilst preventing the cancer from returning, and without overdosing the baby. Phew… It only took four weeks to sort out. Hopefully in two weeks time I will be feeling stronger, happier and my appetite should return.
The main reason however, for my appointment, was to discuss the elephant in the room. The thing that has been plaguing me since the day I lit up that pregnancy test. HELLP Syndrome.
HELLP Syndrome is a complication of Pre-Eclampsia. It’s very rare but it can kill. HELLP Syndrome stopped my twins from growing at 32 weeks of pregnancy. HELLP Syndrome nearly took my life at 36 weeks of pregnancy when I was finally diagnosed, because my kidneys and liver shut down. Once you’ve had HELLP, you are said to have a high risk of it returning in future pregnancies. I was advised not to get pregnant again, but accidents happen and I wanted to know the risks. If there was any possibility of me leaving my beautiful girls in this world without a mother, then I couldn’t keep this baby.
The consultant however, explained that the way your placenta is made, is affected by something in the male partners genetics. Pre Eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome are both caused by the placenta. So therefore, because this baby was conceived by a different partner to the twins, I am no longer at risk of HELLP Syndrome any more than any person whose never had it. So at least SD did one good thing for me I guess! The fact I am also having only one baby this time, also lowers my risks. However, as doctors love writing prescriptions, he decided that to further lower my risk of Pre eclampsia, I should take aspirin every day for the rest of my pregnancy!
So there I was, overjoyed that I no longer had to fear my own death or worry about HELLP Syndrome returning. But at the same time as feeling joyful, I was also annoyed, angry and upset, that a miscommunication between midwife and hospital meant that my scan was never booked. I had expected to have a scan today and then it never happened. In the midst of all that, SD left the hospital. Literally, left me standing there sobbing in a hallway and went home, only a few minutes into my appointment! I knew I shouldn’t have brought him. I should have came with a friend – someone who could actually be supportive and not self-serving.
The rollercoaster of emotions hit me like a tidal wave and I spent the rest of the day sobbing into a block of cheese.
I chose this already emotional time to tell my mum and my oldest daughter that I was pregnant.
Bunny got excited. I explained that this baby will not be her Daddy’s baby, but she didn’t mind. She looked genuinely happy and hasn’t stopped talking about it since.
I told my mum over Facebook messenger, because I didn’t know how she would react. I don’t imagine she’s best pleased at her daughter being 10 weeks pregnant by a guy she’s never even met (and who dumped her by text message), but her reply was supportive, she told me she loved me, and if she did feel ashamed, she didn’t express it.
I am still worried about how the rest of my family will react and then there’s SD’s family to contend with… Who I’ve never met! But I think I’ve got enough to deal with for one week.