I’m now 18 weeks pregnant, but this is the post I wrote at 14 weeks pregnant. I am no longer in contact with SD…
I’m back in that dark place where all I want to do is cry, but I don’t want to upset the baby growing inside me. I am never going to get the happy ending I keep dreaming about. I’d been so happy all week and now I feel wounded and hollow again.
I stayed with SD New Years Eve after work. I had plans but he coerced me to go home with him instead. We spent New Years Day together too and we got on so well that it felt as though we were actually a couple. We spent the next few days messaging each constantly and he rather romantically made me a “chillout” playlist of music to listen to. I thought that was really sweet. I don’t very often do phone calls as I hate talking on the phone, but we’ve been talking on the phone at least twice a day. Each time we talk, he sounds like he doesn’t want to hang up. We have gone back to talking about getting back together. For four days it seemed like we were back on track, but he’s suddenly blown cold on me again.
I guess that’s the problem with trying to date a 21 year old. He still displays some really childish and immature behaviours and it really doesn’t help that he hangs around with a bunch of 18 year olds. He’s never going to be able to make decisions or prioritise either me or his baby. He’s spent the last five or six weeks trying to decide if he wants to be with me. I just don’t get it… why is that such a hard decision? Surely… if you like someone, you give it a go and if you don’t like them, you don’t? But instead he just keeps stringing me along. It’s getting to the point I’m starting to wonder if it’s all just a game to him. Combine that with the personality flicks from nice guy to controlling and blackmailing. I’m wondering why I even give him so many chances – maybe I don’t like him? Maybe it’s my hormones, so desperate to give my baby a Daddy that tricks me into thinking I should be with him?
I’m worried that the stress and the upset is getting to the baby. I’d hate the think the baby can feel what I’m feeling, but people say they do.
I am certain that this baby is a boy and I love that I can feel him moving most evenings now.
Now I suppose the time has come to face up to the fact that there is a very real chance that I will end up doing this alone. I have nobody to cuddle up on the sofa with, nobody to share those magical pregnancy moments with. Nobody to share the baby bonding with. Nobody to pig out with when I get late night cravings. Nobody to tell me I’m beautiful when I’m getting fat with baby and I’m feeling ugly. Nobody to go to the scans with, or share the excitement with when I find out if it is a boy or a girl. Nobody to hold my hand, tell me I can do it and that they are proud of me, when I’m in labour. Nobody to shed a happy tear with when my baby enters the world. Nobody to welcome us home.
Being a single mum, I can do.
Being a single mum whilst pregnant… is so hard and so lonely.