I decided to take a break from the blog over Christmas and New year. Partly because I wanted to concentrate on family time and partly because I’ve been struggling with depression since September and I really haven’t been in a good place lately.
It was the worst Christmas and New Year ever, for a multitude of reasons. It’s because of that, I chose to go to bed by myself and watch tele on New Year’s Eve instead of celebrate. The date changing wasn’t going to make me hate myself any less.
I made no resolutions.
But I’m going to make one now.
In 2015 I want to find myself again.
From January to August last year, I was really happy, laid back, confident, funny, full of life, in control of my life and a brilliant mum. I had lots of friends, a positive outlook on everything and a ton of patience.
I don’t want to be the negative mess I have become. I don’t want my children to see mummy cry all the time and never ask why, because they are just so used to seeing it. I don’t want to be the person that lovingly prepares meals for the girls, but then starves myself because I just don’t feel happy enough to eat. I don’t want to be the person who woke up on New Year’s Day repeatedly singing the line “I hate the world today” from an Alanis Morrisette song. And feeling like I hate the World and everyone in it hates me. I walk around with a constant sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and some mornings I wake up, wanting to go back to sleep because I was happier dreaming.
I don’t want to be the person who is too tired to do anything fun. I don’t want to be the person stuck at home all the time, feeling like I’ve got no friends. Or having manic irrational arguments with the friends I do have.
I have no hobbies. I have nothing I do just for me. Nothing of my own, except this blog, but I barely even find the time to write nowadays. So taking on some new hobbies is going to be one of my first steps to finding myself again.
I’ve always been a firm believer that there can’t be a heaven, because I can’t imagine anything better than life. Even when life is tough, it’s beautiful. I have three incredible children whose smiles alone make me happy. Depression doesn’t care about logic or beliefs though. There is no rationale behind my low moods. It’s a chemical imbalance in my brain. One I want to beat. I want to find Happy Emma again. That’s what 2015 will be about for me. Finding that positive, fun, happy person that used to inspire people with a profound inner strength.
It’s time to stop putting everyone else first and wondering if anyone actually genuinely likes me. I need to start being more selfish and learn to love myself again.