Yesterday I wrote about the heartbreaking truth of my pregnancy. A lot has happened since then.
I spent Wednesday in hospital (Massive thank you to Sarah who blogs at Mum of Three World for looking after my twinningtons – you may have quite literally saved my life!). I went in for a scan to find out what gestation my pregnancy was, and if we were looking at one or two babies. The sonographer couldn’t find a foetus at all – on an external or an internal scan.
Another pregnancy test was taken and no surprise, it was still positive. So bloods were taken and my HCG levels were checked (pregnancy hormone). I was told that if they exceed 4000, then a foetus should be visible on the scan. I was called at home on Wednesday evening and told my HCG levels were just over 7000 and so I’d need to go back to hospital on Thursday for more tests.
They wanted to rule out an ectopic pregnancy.
Yesterday morning, after having a sonography probe up me for half an hour, the foetus was found in my right fallopian tube. This is an ectopic pregnancy. I was immediately admitted to hospital for surgery. In an ectopic pregnancy, if not removed, the fallopian tube can rupture, causing internal bleeding, severe pain and me to collapse. They wanted to prevent this from happening.
By 11am, I was nil by mouth and up on a ward. The doctors used my hands as pin cushions until they could finally get a cannula into one of my tiny, traumatised veins. At 2:30 I was given a bed in a ward with five other lovely ladies. Mum and Jonny came to visit me with the children at 4pm. The children couldn’t stay long, but my mum, who’d travelled two hours on a train to get to me, stayed with me until 8pm, when I was finally called down for my surgery. Mum and I, have spent a lot of time together in hospitals, and it’s always her I want to be with before I go into theatre.
I was the last one on the list, so I was lucky I wasn’t made to wait until morning.
I enjoyed a few minutes of deep relaxation under sedatives, before they put me to sleep under general anaesthetic. For once I wasn’t frightened. But then hospitals have become like a second home to me now and I’ve had more operations over the years, than I could count.
I was having a laparoscopy – which is keyhole surgery. They insert a camera in just below my belly button, and two probes in to move things around. They located the fallopian tube with the foetus in, and removed it (the tube and the baby). This meant I didn’t need to have any larger incisions made, but it’s still quite traumatic surgery. As well as the pain from the wounds and from my organs being moved around (and a bit cut out), I have horrendous pain in my shoulder, neck and chest. This is called “shoulder-tip pain” and is a result of them pumping my stomach full of gasses, to see more closely what they were doing.
I woke up in a nice peaceful, dark recovery room, with a lovely nurse looking after me. I was given pain relief, after pain releif, after pain releif. Until eventually, at midnight, I was okay to be taken back to the ward.
I’m writing this post from my hospital bed, drugged up on painkillers but still close to tears. I’m in pain, I feel sick, I can’t eat, I feel groggy and I’m frightened of going home. I’ve been in such a bad way today, that no doctor has even considered letting me go home.
When I do go home, the twins will want to sit on my lap, and Jonny will probably underestimate how poorly I feel. I can’t be touched right now. Anywhere. But especially not my tummy.
The painkillers are thankfully holding back some of my emotions, but I know that soon it will dawn on me, that I’ve just lost a baby. It hasn’t sunk in yet. The grief is on pause.
The hardest part of this operation, for me, was signing “consent for the cremation of foetus and foetal remains”. Why do they have to write it like that? Why do they have to make me sign it at all? Can’t they just do what they have to do, discreetly?
I keep telling myself, I’m lucky it was early. My baby didn’t have a heartbeat yet. It would have been tiny and not even resembled a baby. It was a foetus. But in my head… it still would have grown into a baby. My baby.
But nature took it’s course. A pregnancy becoming ectopic is nobody’s fault. There’s nothing I could have done to prevent it and I did nothing to cause it. This baby just wasn’t meant to be.
At the moment I just feel numb. The reality of this hasn’t sunk in. People on Twitter have said “I’m so sorry for your loss”, but my body still thinks it’s pregnant. I still have the bloating, the nausea, the cravings, the wind and the sore boobs. I still feel pregnant and that could still go on for a few days, maybe even a week or two. Somebody please tell my body to accept this… so that I can.
I’m going to continue hitting the pain killers hard, until I’m discharged from hospital, so at least I can be at home, when I crumble and grieve.
🙁
So so much Empathy for you. Keep strong. But its ok to be weak too…… All our Angels together in heaven….
Sending you lots of love. I’ve been through the same just a little over 5 yrs for my first, I had a second 2 years ago. I always find people never know what to say to a woman who has had an ectopic. I still find people struggle when I tell them about it. The pain and the scars will heal but the memory of your loss will always be with you. I found great comfort from ectopic.org the national charity. You can light a candle for your baby, because that is what it is, your baby and leave a message. I like to ‘visit’ mine on certain anniversaries, and add to my messages. Take time to heal, both physically and emotionally, be open about your feelings and hug your babies extra tight when the pain and swelling is gone. Lots of love xx
Emma I’m so sorry you are going through this pain right now. As you say, the emotional pain hasn’t been given the time to hit yet but you sound prepared for when it does and I think that it is a positive step that you are accepting this is inevitable.
I hope that you are able to sleep peacefully tonight to give you the strength to face up to tomorrow and what lies ahead. And that those cuddles are wonderful without being painful.
Do take care of yourself, allow yourself to grieve when the time comes and let yourself heal.
Sally x
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I had no idea. Sorry Emma, sorry things went wrong, and Im sorry you are in such pain, and i am sorry for when it sinks in. Xxxxxxxx
Julie Roo recently posted..#WinningWeekends (4 Apr)
Oh hunny. I know how hard this is for you and I wish I could take away this pain. Xx
Once again the doctors have saved your life, you are one of the stronger ladies I know and it sucks you’ve had to go through this. Xx you’ve had your fair share.
Here to chat and hold your hand xx
Clare @ Emmys Mummy recently posted..Kindness – Will you ‘Pay it forward?’
First of all of all I know others have said it but I am truly so sorry for your loss!!! When I miscarried for the second time it took a while for my body to aknowledge what my brain already knew, so I can sympathise slightly with what you are feeling. I really hope you recover quickly and that your pain is minimal. Grief is part of the process, just carrying on talking. Huge ((hugs)) xxx
Oh Emma know we are all thinking of you. x
Emma recently posted..Hands off nurseries childcatchers
Just as with your post yesterday my heart goes out to you. I don;t really know what to say as it’s such a sad situation and so difficult and painful for you, both physically and emotionally. Look after yourself and let your wonderful friends and family look after you too. Thinking of you xxx
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Hi there,
I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I would feel like I had lost my baby to. You are one brave lady and thankfully, they managed to operate before anything else happened. Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
I am so sorry to hear this it is awful to go through. I had a miscarriage last month so if you ever want to talk I’m a good listener. Look after yourself and take it easy xx
Just want to say I am so sorry and feel for you. I went through a very similar experience 8 years ago. It was very painful I know – not only physically but emotionally too. 2 year previous to my ectopic I delivered premature triplets – 3 little boys, Callum, Ceiran and Connor, born at 27 weeks weighing 1 lb each. Ceiran died in my arms, aged 2 days, then 5 weeks and 4 days later, Connor died in my arms. Callum survived but spend the first 3 months of his life in hospital and he turns 10 this year. The pain never goes away it only gets easier to cope with as time goes by. To lose any child, whether born with a heartbeat or during the very early stages in pregnancy is still a loss of your baby. So don’t be afraid to grieve and don’t be afraid to accept help. Be strong and look after yourself xxx
I genuinely don’t know what to say except that my heart hurts for you, and I have said a prayer for you, your family and the baby. You’ve been through so much, and I can’t even imagine how difficult it has all been. Through your words, you have reached out and touched so many people. I hope that all those whom you’ve inspired can be your strength now. xx
Katie @ AMotherThing recently posted..Pregnancy Dreams
I am so sorry and just want you to know I’m thinking of you. Hugs xx
Mags recently posted..Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Shell Figures
I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry you are going through all of this physical and emotional pain. I hope it gets better soon, but I know it will take a long time. Thanks for the mention, so glad I could help out in my little way. x
Sarah MumofThree World recently posted..The leaving do
So sorry to hear about your awful loss and pain. Big Hugs (()) take care of yourself xx
Louise Edwards recently posted..Reading champ!
So sorry to rad this Emma. What a lot you have been through. Bless you Hun. Let your emotion out and please don’t be hard on yourself. Much love xx
Jo Laybourn recently posted..The Day is Finally Upon Us!
My thoughts are with you. Echoing Gillian above, even though you have been through so much else do contact the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust as they really helped me. I am sure just by writing this post you will help others in the future.
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Sending much love. There really is nothing more I can say. No words are enough x
Colette (“We’re going on an adventure ….”) recently posted..My baby girl is growing up!
So sorry for your loss, you are in my thoughts x
Pinkoddy recently posted..Teenager with Asperger’s Syndrome the benefits
I’m so sorry.
My mum had a ruptured ectopic 34 years ago. My dad wasn’t home. She was alone with my brother who was still a baby. She had to pull the telephone onto the floor to call an ambulance. She nearly died several times. After surgery, some thoughtless doctor told her “at least you have a son”. His way of letting her know she wouldn’t be having any more. A year later I arrived. Then my sister.
I know this doesn’t make your loss any easier to bear. I know it hurts in every way possible. I just want you to know that you can & will get through it.
The Pie Patch recently posted..Eating London: East End food tour
It’s so hard to know what to say, it’s such a confusing and scary thing to happen to anyone. All I can really do is send my love xx
Jenny @ TheBrickCastle recently posted..The LEGO DUPLO ‘How Do You Play?’ Competition
Not sure what to say other than I’m sorry, and just try to take one day at a time. You will get through this.
Steph @ Pretty Unexpected recently posted..29 weeks pregnant
I have no words…other than you have through the mill more times than you deserve. I am so sorry you are going through this but stay strong, rest up…and deal with this in your own time and your own way. Much love hun xxxx
Super Busy Mum {Debs} recently posted..A room fit for two.
Emma, hello from the lady that was in the bed opposite you. I will pass on your very kind words to my colleague in recovery.
I am very sorry to hear that you are still feeling rough.
Thanks Janice. Me, Julie-Ann and Gillian are still here. I’ve got a UTI too which is why my pain is so bad.
They are really short staffed today, so no idea if I’m going home or not.
Yes, your recovery team are fab.
So sorry that you have been through this. Much love and prayers.
Liska x
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Gentle hugs for you xx we’re all here for you x
I’m so so sorry you’ve had to go through all this pain. Please be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much. Thinking of you xx
BakedPotato Mummy recently posted..In His Element – Water
Oh Emma, that all sucks.
TheBoyandMe recently posted..Family Days Out ‘Wishlist’ – 2014
Emma you have been through so much. Big hugs your way. xx
Emma The Mini Mes and Me recently posted..Silent Sunday
Aww Emma I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through, take care 🙁 xx
🙁 No words, just hugs. How awful. Take care of you xxxx
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Oh Emma! Sending you strength and hugs for this emotionally trying time.
Monika recently posted..Camping- why on Earth would you?!
I’m so sorry. A family member recently suffered the same thing so I have seen how heartbreaking it is. Sending healing vibes.x
Jude recently posted..17 food mash-ups that blew my kids minds
Such a horrid experience, I feel your pain, you will recover and your body will adjust. I lost a baby at 12 weeks one, I’ve never spoken about it but it hurts, in so many ways. Hugs to you xx
Coombemill recently posted..Coombe Mill Beauty in April
I’ve just gone through the same thing 🙁
still processing everything.