People often don’t think of an ectopic pregnancy as a miscarriage… but it is.
Miscarriage is often a taboo subject and ectopic miscarriage seems to be even less talked about. It’s difficult to talk about. Nobody knows what to say. Sometimes a virtual hug is enough. Someone to say, “It’ okay to feel sad about it”.
We can talk about it when it happens, but afterwards, that’s it, get on with it. Everyone else has forgotten, so why haven’t you?
With an ectopic, you have the surgical scars to remind you, every time you see yourself naked.
I’m sure that it will get easier, once time has passed, but here’s the truth…
I had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy in April. My due date would have been in November. It’s nearly November. And as November draws closer, I think about it more and more. There are good days when I don’t think about it, until I get undressed for bed. But there are other days, when I’m reminded that I should be pregnant. That I should be just over 8 months pregnant. I should be huge. I should have people guessing the weight and sex of my baby or how long I’ll be in labour. I should be massively excited, whilst grumbling that my back hurts.
There is no bigger reminder than when I see someone who is pregnant in town. Or when I go online and read all the pregnancy updates of my friends and fellow bloggers. Or the new baby announcements. Of course I am thrilled for them, I am happy that they have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies, but I also feel the jealousy building up inside me.
Yes I know that a pregnancy for me would have been risky, and I’m certainly not trying for another, but the fact remains, I was still pregnant. For a short time, I was growing a baby. People telling me “It was only tiny and not fully formed”, does not help. It still would have been a little life, that I had grown. It was there, inside me. I had created it.
People saying, “But you have three beautiful girls already”, doesn’t help either. Implying that I’m greedy to have wanted my fourth to survive, or that I don’t appreciate the three incredible girls I already have, only serves to make me feel worse. Whilst an ectopic pregnancy is nobody’s fault, it’s unavoidable, it still comes with a substantial amount of maternal guilt.
So here I am, breaking the taboo… I am still sad about my ectopic pregnancy. There are days when I am happy and there are other days where the sense of loss feels like a kick in the stomach. Those days when I have mood swings or cry for seemingly no reason… there is a reason. So if you know someone who has suffered a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy and not yet reached their due date, don’t just assume they are okay. Give them a hug and let them know you care.
Kelly Finn says
Oh poppet’ mirroring what you’ve said “it is ok to be sad” and it’s ok to remember and if I was near you I would hug you too. I’ve never suffered a miscarriage so I can’t fully understand and I won’t pretend to in an attempt to make you feel better. (For fear of patronising you)
But know you’re never alone. Xx
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Clare @ Emmy's Mummy says
I won’t pretend the feelings ever go away, they don’t, they just get a little easier to bare and talking and helping to break that taboo is the best medicine I found.
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i remember my due date after my miscarriage so well. As you say the time leading up to it is full of sadness 🙁 on the day itself I sat in the garden with a glass of wine and toasted the baby I sadly never got to know. For me it gave me a little bit of closure but of course that sadness is always with me. I would give anything to have that baby with us. Big hugs lovely and well done for breaking the taboo xx
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Laura Bovington says
I’m so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. The due date time is always difficult but as you say other people have forgotten. I will always remember the nurse at the hospital saying to me ‘ well 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage and you’ve got 4 children’ implying that it shouldn’t matter at all that I had had a miscarriage. Stay strong and virtual hugs. xx
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Sending hugs lovely – and wishing that could be enough. November is, for me, 10 years since my first miscarriage. I had another five months later. And I think people do expect you to forget, but you never stop grieving, and wondering about what might have been xxx
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So I caught up. It must be so hard for u, I remember your post about this pregnancy and not knowing how to feel, it was difficult from the start. I’m sorry you’re havi g to go through this.
My best friend lost her baby in September, her due date would’ve been April, watching Kate Middleton through her pregnancy is hurting her so much yet I have no experience of it so am sonetimes unsure how/if I can comfort her.
Thinking of you xxx
chantelle hazelden says
Miscarriage is hard no matter the circumstance. Having been through miscarriage three times I can truly sympathise. I will always remember the first the most as I lost my baby on Christmas Eve but I have to admit I am one of the guilty ones who never really talked about it. Only my husband and my mum knew. I let the feelings fester inside me. It wasn’t until a close friend of mine went through it that I actually opened up about it. And really it shouldn’t be a taboo subject we should all feel able to talk about it as it is such a common occurence these days and these lost angels should be celebrated!! x
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I’ve never had to go through this awful ordeal I am very sorry you have. It is ok to be sad, and it doesn’t matter how many children you already have because the one you’ve lost was your child too. It’s ok to feel sad and have moments where it feels unfair, to think of what should have been. I hope it gets easier as others have said . Big hugs xxx
Claire LazyGirl Blog says
With everything you’ve been through, of course this would have been something which would have made you happy. So, that it came at a time that was so hard, so scary, and didn’t provide that ray of happiness, of course I think it would be harder as there was so much going on for you at that time- even before it was found the pregnancy was ectopic it was causing so much stress down to doctors telling you it was dangerous to continue and I know it caused so much heartache as you didn’t agree.
Losing a child any way is incomprehensible to anyone who hasn’t been through it. I think sometimes its hard to know what to say as well that will help- what can you say to make pain like that go away?
I really hope that things start to turn around for you, and that if there is a next time you are blessed with a healthy, happy child, with all the bad backs and swollen ankles pregnancy throws at you.
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I know people will argue with me that “it’s not the same” but I had an abortion and was left feeling how you feel. I remember the day it happened, when I was due, how old that child would be, my time in the hospital and even 11 years on that pain haunts me and yet it’s taboo to even talk about it or let people know I’m suffering. I want to just say although we both have completely different reasons for our pain and suffering I do know the feeling of being scared to talk about it and just want to say: it’s okay, it’s natural. You’re just a human being, a person who wants to grieve and you can do that as much as any other person should be allowed to grieve.
Lots of e-hugs being sent your way xoxoxoxoxo
Stephs Two Girls says
Sending a hug. I often think writing is good therapy and I hope it has helped you to get it out despite the lack of comments. I honestly think it’s because people don’t know what to write, not that they don’t care. They are scared of saying the wrong thing (some of which you’ve highlighted above). Even in our world of special needs, where I am super aware of the right and wrong things to say, I can still find myself saying the wrong thing and regretting it afterwards – words don’t always come out how you want them to. I’ve never felt this pain of losing a baby and I hope I never do; I think I can only try to imagine how heart wrenching it would be, and even that hurts. It’s never ‘right’ to have your child die before you, no matter what the circumstances, and I wish no-one ever had to go through that. You have every right to feel sad, and more than that – the grief may never go away but to use a terrible cliche time is a great healer. It won’t be any less painful but I hope you will learn to live with it, even if right now you feel you don’t want to. Be kind to yourself, give yourself a break, and you talk about it as much or as little as you want to. Sending more hugs and excuse the ramble x
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brinabird and son says
I recently felt I needed to talk about my miscarriage too. No matter how and when you lose a baby it is so much easier to talk about it and acknowledge how difficult that loss can be. As a result I found support through others who then too admitted it happened to them.
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Mrs Teepot says
*big hugs* I can’t imagine how emotionally painful it is for you. Sending so much love xxx
Sarah MumofThree World says
So sorry to read this and thinking of you.
Having been lucky enough to never have a miscarriage, I’d never considered what the due date would feel like. Thanks for sharing. You have opened my eyes to something I was completely unaware of. x
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Mums do travel says
Reading this has made me feel so sad. I’ve had several miscarriages and I don’t know what to say to you except that I’m thinking of you and I hope that this never happens to you again.
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Kirsty Hijacked By Twins says
Sending a big hug and thinking of you during this difficult time xx
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~hugs~ I have been through the ringer myself (miscarriage, ectopic rupture, stillbirth and live birth). Like many others have said, I hope you begin to feel less devastated with time. However, know that is definitely okay to still be sad no matter the circumstances. My first m/c was Nov 10th 2003 and I still get sad on that day. I have had four lovely children since then, but each of my seven losses will stay with me forever. I still have sad moments (grief bubbles) that just hit me randomly and make me want to collapse and cry. They are fewer as time progresses, but they still happen. My thoughts are with you during this sad time! ~hugs~
Rebecca ClearlyBex Bodkin says
I’m sorry your due date is approaching and so much will be going through your head right now. You need to take this time easy and be gentle on yourself. I am approaching 4 years since loosing my daughter at 16 weeks gestation and even though time is a “healer” you never forget, you will always have this niggle in your mind about your baby who should be here but isn’t. Thinking of you x
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I had a miscarriage a couple of months before I fell pregnant with Harry and whilst I was lucky because I wasn’t in danger and I fell pregnant again so quickly, I still remember the sense of sadness and loss so well. I remember people telling me the things you say above and thinking how utterly insensitive of them. As others say, no one can understand unless they have been there. Thinking of you lovely lady. xx
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