Last Thursday I was in Gloucester Royal Hospital with an ectopic pregnancy, having a Laparoscopy (camera and probes in the belly) and one of my fallopian tubes removed. This was keyhole surgery, although I must say – my surgeon must have some rather large keys on his keyring, as my scar is over an inch long. (Photo at the end of this post – if you like gore!)
I was quite poorly after surgery, unable to swallow on the first night and sick for the first 12 hours. The pain was horrendous and in the early hours of Saturday morning I asked them to test me for a urine infection, because the pain seemed to be getting worse instead of better. I was right, and it turned out that on top of the surgery pain and all the pain of the gas pumped into my abdomen during surgery, I had a UTI.
I was on a vast concoction of painkillers and antibiotics, still in pain and developed a fever, but I was discharged on Sunday night regardless.
I didn’t feel ready, but I didn’t have much choice. There’s no remote controlled bed at home to help me get comfy, so I didn’t sleep well the first night. Half a day alone with the children, when I could barely move, was difficult too.
My friend came over on Monday afternoon and is staying a few days to look after me and the girls, which is easing the pressure. I’ve mostly been sleeping since she’s been here. I feel very weak. The doctors have said it takes 4-6 weeks to recover, which is making me panic about my #EmmasArmy against Cancer campaign. Will I be fit enough to walk 104 miles in May on no training? I’m not allowed to drive for 2-4 weeks or work for 4-6 either so funds will be tight for the girls birthdays.
People don’t realise, until they’ve spent as much time in hospital as me, the impact it has on a families finances.
Emotionally, I’m coping. I have weak moments where I cry. I wasn’t aware that I was pregnant for very long and I wasn’t very far gone, but it still would have been my baby and I am still feeling a loss, much more than I thought I would.
I had a crying session in hospital, where the feeling of grief hit me hard and suddenly. I sat up in bed and started sobbing hard. I went to leave the room to hide in the toilet and in that moment, I wanted to leave the hospital. I didn’t know where I wanted to go, but I felt crushed and trapped at the same time. After a cuddle with the patient in the next bed and a chat and reassuring arm from the nurse, I got back into bed, knowing I wasn’t well enough to leave.
I didn’t look after myself in hospital. I had no motivation to do anything. I refused to let the nurses change my bedding, I refused to follow the nurses advice to “mobilise” by walking up and down the corridor and I refused to wash. All I did in that hospital bed, was sleep, and sleep, and sleep, with the occasional cry or visitor in between. I woke only for blood pressure checks, food, the toilet and more painkillers.
In between sleeps I’d have short conversations with the other patients. We all knew each others bladder and bowel movements by time we left. I bonded well with the other patients in my room, and they kept me sane, but one by one they were discharged, until it was just me and one other left, that I’d spoken to.
Since I’ve been home, I’ve had a bath and changed my dressings, which made me feel a lot better. Recovery is going to be a long slow process, but I’ll get there. I always do.
WARNING:
Gory wound photo below…
bloody hell Emma I am so sorry again for all that you have and indeed are going through, and will continue to do so. i am at a loss as to what I can possibly say to make you feel better or less hurt but I dont think i can
All I can do is send you hugs and best wishes for this painful chapter to soon pass and the memory to fade and be easier to bear x x x
jenny paulin recently posted..Swimming Pool Cake (#Team Honk Bake Off)
It’s so awful what you’ve been through.
Glad you’ve got a friend with you helping to care for you and the girls.
I’ve been thinking about Emma’s Army too. I don’t think you need to be worrying about it until you’re better as you just need to concentrate on getting strong again, although I know how important it is to you and how much thought and planning you’ve put into it. x
Sarah MumofThree World recently posted..Too young to die
Sending hugs you concentrate recovering glad your friend is helping with the children. Stay strong girl look at far you come I knowit hard and painful at the moment. Please take care x
Oh you poor poppet! I just want to run to yours and give you a massive cuddle.
Kelly finn recently posted..Non chocolate Easter gifts from Beebies
Oh Emma.
I was all bouncy this morning, writing up my Wednesday Words, thinking “Emma will love this, I think, I hope.” (It’s a poetical tirade against Mr Gove and the education system!)
What you need is a good game of cliché bingo. With a friend, make a list of all the things you don’t want people to say, and then tick them off as they are said. First person to fill their list wins a prize!
I’ll start you off with…. “It was probably for the best.”
(and if you think I mean that then I bloody well don’t, but sympathy doesn’t always help.) Big hugs.
Sarah the Suburbanite recently posted..Wednesday Words – Dear Mr Gove
I have absolutely nothing to say of use but I’m thinking of you. X
Colette (“We’re going on an adventure ….”) recently posted..Lamaze Bella Bunny and Hide & Seek book – Review
Just wanted to say that I’m so sorry that you had to go through this – hopefully over time the emotional wound will heal as well as the physical ones. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you x
Michelle @ Bod for tea recently posted..Bath time fun with Koo-di’s new bath toys
Sorry to hear what happened to you. When you’re ready, you might find it helpful to look at the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust’s website. They have a whole section on the emotional side of having an ectopic. There’s a helpline and forums if you want to talk to other women who’ll understand what you’re going through.
How utterly miserable for you. Thank God you are as strong as you are.
Coombemill recently posted..Coombe Mill Beauty in April
It is a really horrible thing for anyone to have to go through, and I’m sorry you’ve suffered so much with pain from the op. I hope by now you are feeling a lot better physically and finding it easier mentally x
Jenny @ The Brick Castle recently posted..Who are Green Toys? Recycled Dumper Truck Review age 1+
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I really hope you recover quickly from the surgery.
I am not sure what this was written, but I want to tell you that your words were very powerful to me. I had an ectopic twin pregnancy, with successful surgery a few weeks ago. My heart is broken, and I completely understand the way you feel about body still adjusting to not being pregnant. I still feel pregnant, and it’s absolutely gut-wrenching to know that you’ll never be able to hold your babies. I stumbled across your story, and again thank you so so so very much because as I’m holding back my tears right now, it’s so comforting to know that someone else feels the way I do.
Samantha, Thank you for your honest and heartfelt comment. I am so sorry for your loss. One of the hardest parts of having an ectopic, to me, was that people treated it as an illness, a surgery, but not a miscarriage. People didn’t see it as a loss. But I did. I felt a huge crushing loss which most of my family and friends didn’t even acknowledge. People say, “Oh I’m glad you’re better now” or “I hope you make a speedy recovery”, but don’t even acknowledge that you’ve lost a baby (or two in your case) and that for me was the hardest part of grieving – people don’t understand that you are grieving. One family member even said, “Oh I thought you’d be over that by now, it wasn’t like it was a fully formed baby that you’d given birth to”. I appreciate that loss becomes harder and harder as pregnancy progresses. That you would feel more pain for a baby you’d carried longer and that losing a baby you’ve birthed would be soul destroying. But that doesn’t mean our early losses, miscarriages, ectopics should be written off. We, their mummies are still feeling the pain of a loss and still need time to grieve. Sending you much love and emotional healing. xx