Search Engine Stories

One of the most comical things about writing a blog, is the keywords people type into search engines… and then end up with me! So I’ve decided to share the funniest of these with you (in their genuine state – spelling, wording & grammar!).

I apologise in advance if any of my followers used these terms to find me… but I am about to thoroughly take the piss!

The search terms used are in bold – my response is in italics!

Wetsuit    –    I only wore it the once!
boob shaped eyes   –  That’s not very kind.
died hellp syndrome blog    –   If I had died, I wouldn’t be able to write a blog about it would I?
girl wearing maternity pad   –   That’s vile, why would you google that?
breastfeeding and nice tits   –   Why thankyou! 🙂
were you scared before birth of twins    –   Yes! …And I am even moreso now I’ve experienced it!
36 week pregnant and terrible cellulite     –   I feel for you! If you find the solution, let me know.
midwife art    –   Is that one I should say quickly to get the joke?
photos of fat    –  It’s NOT FAT…. It’s baby!!!
banana shaped tit   –  Oh come on! They are nice NORMAL shaped tits!
pregnant sex    –  Rather you than me… I was the size of a mobile home… but not very mobile!
lactating    –   I’m afraid it comes with the territory.

(all of the above have been used MORE THAN ONCE)
But wait… there are more…

club rep gets chelsey on his bum ayia napa    –   Lucky him! (I think?)
why do they puree hospital food    –  So the old biddies with no teeth don’t starve.
what type exercise when pregnant with twins 34 weeks   –  Is this a joke? Getting out of bed is exercise enough!
how to keep twins from running away   –  Oh god! I hadn’t thought of that. Way to go on curing my paranoia. I’m slightly hoping they won’t run before they can walk!
smoothie breast pads   –  Smoothie goes in mouth, Breastpads go in bra.
crazy breasts   –  What’s the obsession with insulting my breasts?
crazy for breasts   –  I know you are!
i am crazy for fashion shopping   –  Good for you! Hope you have a rich husband to fund your addiction!
straight jacket feeling    –   It’s just part of being married – you’ll get used to it!
keep calm i’m a student midwife   –  *shouts* I AM CALM!
30 wks pregnant with twins feeling weird   –  What did you expect?
spd and flatulence   –  I can empathise with this
“big belly”    –  Yes it was big wasn’t it… Thanks for googling me!!!
ayia napa drunk girls    –  That was SO last year!
does fruit have feelings   –  Yes, Yes they it does! See here.
i’ve finally gotten around to starting a blog   –  Congratulations, but it looks as though you may have typed that into google instead of wordpress! rookie error!
weird theories of being pregnant    –  It’s not a theory – You are either pregnant… or you are not!
twins farting    –  They do indeed. A LOT (and it stinks!)
fat names    –  Yes I have been called many… you can see them here
crazy olympic dancer   –  No I’m sorry you’ve got the wrong person. However if you were looking for “Crazy Kitchen Dancer”… You’re in the right place!
husband called me fat whale hippo    –   Kick him in the bollocks!
lactating and water sports    –   Guilty as charged!
crazy doctor operating your heart out      –   Oh shit… I hope not!
daddy mummy sex    –  That’s called incest and its just WRONG okay!
my doctor rammed his hand in me     –   Me too! Hurts doesn’t it! (what an a**hole).
can i say i am elated to join this company?   –  You can indeed, and I am elated to welcome you!
wheelchair basketball paralympics tits out     –   Show some respect!!!
twins pregnancy tits     –  Back to that again are we?
i’m not all night bender   –  Hey who am I to judge? Whatever floats your boat love!
pregnant boobs    –   FFS!
lifejacket sex    –  You’re on your own on that one.
milk factory pictures tits  –  Why do you want to see a picture of it, just pop to your local M&S cafe!
farting pregnancy twins    –   The wind power makes you go faster!
i’d tap that    –  WOW thanks! *blushes*… but sorry… I’m married!
pregnancy with twins flatulence     –   oh great, the tit fanatic has moved on to farting!
pubis photo   –  NO!
hangover compared to spd    –   If you are comparing your hangover to chronic pelvic and groin pain, I’d suggest that perhaps the drunken sex was a little too vigorous?
plus many more relating to boobs, farting, lactating, being a neurotic mother, and sex!

HOWEVER… The all time search engine craziness clincher, the one that is so unfair I don’t even have a response; has to be this one…
sex positions for morbidly obese couples 

🙂 xxx

PS. If any other bloggers want to (or already have) blog their search engine stories – put your link in my comments so I know I’m not the only one that gets googled by all the fruit loops!

Update: Since publishing this post, I have featured in even more searches for the final search term on the above list. I would therefore like to make a genuine apology to all people with obesity issues who were directed to this site in the hope of finding new lovemaking positions.

Conclusion: Blog readers…. Stop typing this into Google for a giggle – you’re increasing my ranking on said topic… and no you aren’t funny! lol.