One of the most comical things about writing a blog, is the keywords people type into search engines… and then end up with me! So I’ve decided to share the funniest of these with you (in their genuine state – spelling, wording & grammar!).
I apologise in advance if any of my followers used these terms to find me… but I am about to thoroughly take the piss!
The search terms used are in bold – my response is in italics!
Wetsuit – I only wore it the once!
boob shaped eyes – That’s not very kind.
died hellp syndrome blog – If I had died, I wouldn’t be able to write a blog about it would I?
girl wearing maternity pad – That’s vile, why would you google that?
breastfeeding and nice tits – Why thankyou! 🙂
were you scared before birth of twins – Yes! …And I am even moreso now I’ve experienced it!
36 week pregnant and terrible cellulite – I feel for you! If you find the solution, let me know.
midwife art – Is that one I should say quickly to get the joke?
photos of fat – It’s NOT FAT…. It’s baby!!!
banana shaped tit – Oh come on! They are nice NORMAL shaped tits!
pregnant sex – Rather you than me… I was the size of a mobile home… but not very mobile!
lactating – I’m afraid it comes with the territory.
(all of the above have been used MORE THAN ONCE)
But wait… there are more…
club rep gets chelsey on his bum ayia napa – Lucky him! (I think?)
why do they puree hospital food – So the old biddies with no teeth don’t starve.
what type exercise when pregnant with twins 34 weeks – Is this a joke? Getting out of bed is exercise enough!
how to keep twins from running away – Oh god! I hadn’t thought of that. Way to go on curing my paranoia. I’m slightly hoping they won’t run before they can walk!
smoothie breast pads – Smoothie goes in mouth, Breastpads go in bra.
crazy breasts – What’s the obsession with insulting my breasts?
crazy for breasts – I know you are!
i am crazy for fashion shopping – Good for you! Hope you have a rich husband to fund your addiction!
straight jacket feeling – It’s just part of being married – you’ll get used to it!
keep calm i’m a student midwife – *shouts* I AM CALM!
30 wks pregnant with twins feeling weird – What did you expect?
spd and flatulence – I can empathise with this
“big belly” – Yes it was big wasn’t it… Thanks for googling me!!!
ayia napa drunk girls – That was SO last year!
does fruit have feelings – Yes, Yes they it does! See here.
i’ve finally gotten around to starting a blog – Congratulations, but it looks as though you may have typed that into google instead of wordpress! rookie error!
weird theories of being pregnant – It’s not a theory – You are either pregnant… or you are not!
twins farting – They do indeed. A LOT (and it stinks!)
fat names – Yes I have been called many… you can see them here
crazy olympic dancer – No I’m sorry you’ve got the wrong person. However if you were looking for “Crazy Kitchen Dancer”… You’re in the right place!
husband called me fat whale hippo – Kick him in the bollocks!
lactating and water sports – Guilty as charged!
crazy doctor operating your heart out – Oh shit… I hope not!
daddy mummy sex – That’s called incest and its just WRONG okay!
my doctor rammed his hand in me – Me too! Hurts doesn’t it! (what an a**hole).
can i say i am elated to join this company? – You can indeed, and I am elated to welcome you!
wheelchair basketball paralympics tits out – Show some respect!!!
twins pregnancy tits – Back to that again are we?
i’m not all night bender – Hey who am I to judge? Whatever floats your boat love!
pregnant boobs – FFS!
lifejacket sex – You’re on your own on that one.
milk factory pictures tits – Why do you want to see a picture of it, just pop to your local M&S cafe!
farting pregnancy twins – The wind power makes you go faster!
i’d tap that – WOW thanks! *blushes*… but sorry… I’m married!
pregnancy with twins flatulence – oh great, the tit fanatic has moved on to farting!
pubis photo – NO!
hangover compared to spd – If you are comparing your hangover to chronic pelvic and groin pain, I’d suggest that perhaps the drunken sex was a little too vigorous?
plus many more relating to boobs, farting, lactating, being a neurotic mother, and sex!
HOWEVER… The all time search engine craziness clincher, the one that is so unfair I don’t even have a response; has to be this one…
sex positions for morbidly obese couples
🙂 xxx
PS. If any other bloggers want to (or already have) blog their search engine stories – put your link in my comments so I know I’m not the only one that gets googled by all the fruit loops!
Update: Since publishing this post, I have featured in even more searches for the final search term on the above list. I would therefore like to make a genuine apology to all people with obesity issues who were directed to this site in the hope of finding new lovemaking positions.
Conclusion: Blog readers…. Stop typing this into Google for a giggle – you’re increasing my ranking on said topic… and no you aren’t funny! lol.
Hangover compared to SPD made me laugh the most! I do get a few odd ones but certainly not as many of these! People really want to know about your boobs! x
Bex @ The Mummy Adventure recently posted..The First Flutterings
Hehe. Thanks. I sit here wetting myself laughing as I read the search terms every few weeks. I still cannot get over how “Sex positions for morbidly obese couples” brings up my blog?!
And yes – Just because I openly talk about breastfeeding – all and sundry want to see photos of my breasts!!! (It’s not that kind of blog! lol)
xx
haha Nice! I have a running list of funny/bizarre terms used to find my blog too… I’m saving them for one of these posts at some point. People google some *interesting* things… 😉
Wendy recently posted..I miss you, bloggy blog.
Please leave a link to your post in my comments here when you do – I’d love to read it and share it with my readers! x
CrazyWithTwins recently posted..Little Snippets of Twin Life #2
Great list. Paints a wonderful picture of internet users the world over.
‘Lindsay Lohan wearing nappies’ is my favourite from the few weeks I’ve been blogging. Might take some topping though…
Haha thats funny – I wonder if she does? perhaps you should address that! lol. x
Brilliant! I’m so disappointed with mine, I obviously don’t write about breasts enough! Most of mine are about pedal piezogenic papules – a weird foot thing my son has. If you google it, my blog comes up fourth! Found you on Blow your own…
Sarah recently posted..Killer Tomatoes by Jeremy Strong
I blatantly had to google that – it’s something I just had to check! lol. You best get some titty posts on the go if you want some boob-love! (Really shouldn’t write things like boob-love, I’m blatantly going to come up in a search for that now! whoops!) Thanks for commenting! x
That is hilarious! Lifejacket sex? wtf? Here’s a link to my post on where I ended up when I googled ‘can I feed a baby sardines’. Not where I intended…
http://littlemagicbeans.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/fishy-vs-frisky.html
Great blog btw, I’ll be back!
Lara Crisp (@LittleMagicBean) recently posted..Where’s Wally and his missus
Lol, Thanks for sharing your link, I had a little look, v.funny! Thanks for the compliment too, I’ve subscribed to your blog! 🙂 x
He he these are brilliant! I love looking at the search terms bit in stats, but mine just don’t match up to yours! Best I could see on a quick look just now are “yard of jaffa cakes” “spotty face” (cheers) and “internal parts exploded”.
Zoe Homes recently posted..Snap Happy: 25th September
haha, I’d be a little concerned about the “internal parts exploded” result. Did you spontaneously combust in a previous life? Actually I think that would accurately describe the feeling the childirth! 🙂 x
This made me laugh out loud and alarm my husband!
Circus Queen recently posted..Can love make me tidy?
Haha! thanks for commenting. Love hearing when people find my posts funny (not very often) *coughs*. 🙂 xx
Oh my god, thank you for writing this post it has had me in stitches! No one googles anything interesting to get to mine, I feel quite disappointed! Im looking forward to reading other peoples now!
Hahaha, that was truely Laugh out Loud material!!
I can only imagine the looks on the faces of the people searching for Sex Positions for Morbidly Obese Couples!!
You have made my day. 🙂
Jaime recently posted..Just another bad hair day! When Parents should override their children’s wishes