I’ll be honest with you all…
I’m struggling right now.
I am THRILLED with all the support from everyone blogging and tweeting me support using the #S2S2D hashtag and I am loving reading all the posts on the Shoulder to Shoulder to Day Blog Hop. You are all cheering me up immensely.
I also awoke this morning to a fabulous Get Well Soon Hamper from the kind people at Cosatto, which cheered me up a LOT.
I’m also finding a great distraction amongst the journalist interviews, but I am still finding this immensely hard.
Someone reminded me today, that whilst I try to remain upbeat, and I don’t consider myself “ill” in comparison to when I had Leukaemia, I do still have Cancer, and I won’t know whether or not my radioactive iodine treatment has worked or not, for another 6 months.
But the bit I can’t handle, is the separation from my children. The twins only turned one this month. They are used to Mummy doing everything for them.
Now every time I come into the room, their little faces light up and they grin at me, but when they realise I’m not coming any closer, they start to cry.
I sat in the garden yesterday and every time I looked up, one of the twins was watching me. I grin and wave and chat to them, and sometimes that makes them happy. But other times they look at me like they’ve been abandoned.
My heart is aching.
My maternal instincts are grieving.
I want nothing more than to cuddle my three beautiful girls.
Bunny is having fun with relatives for half term, so I know she is okay.
But what if they twins start to resent me? What if we lose that incredible bond we spent a year building?
I am spending much of my day retreating to my room for a cry.
I have also started going out for walks alone now to start focussing on training for Race For Life on 7th July (You can sponsor me by clicking here)
So I guess I want to say – There is a chink in my armour. I may be fighting a war against Cancer, but I am still human. I do still cry. and THANKYOU all so much for your continued support.
Much love,
Emma xx
Hi Emma, I’m 22 and was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in October last year. I’ve had two operations and radioactive iodine ablation, and like you, hated that you can’t go near anyone! My doctor told me I could go back to the hospital and have my radiation levels rechecked though, are you able to do that? Because I went back and i had got rid of the radiation quicker than I thought so I could go near people alot quicker than I thought! Anyway, just wanted to let you know. I’ve got another scan in July to see if they got it all, so fingers crossed! Good luck with everything 🙂 x
Hi Sinead, Thankyou for your comment. Sorry to hear you have the same. It’s very tough.
Yes I’m going in again Thursday to have my levels checked.
I hope the treatment worked and got it all, for both of us. Good luck with your scan. Come back and let me know how it goes. X
Aww Emma, I so feel for you lovely xx It must be so very hard for both you and the twins to see each other and be so close but not allowed to actually touch and cuddle them. It’s true that there is likely to be confusion on their part but as long as you and Daddy keep explaining the best way you can and maybe find ways that you can make contact in a different way then I’m sure they won’t resent you. Children are so very resilient xx Maybe a craft activity where you can be part of it but at a safe distance perhaps with hubby doing the hard work ;0) Much love to you and stay strong xx
Charlie Hughes (The Mad Mummy Musings) recently posted..A Fun Day Out Meeting Ben, Jerry and the Animal Crew
Your doing amazing, its not for much longer {even though I understand it must feel like a lifetime already!}. Your babies will never resent you, they’re just not old enough to understand why Mummy is waving & grinning at them from across the patio. Your doing what you can.
*BIG hugs* xx
Good luck for Thursday hun. Least some good is coming out of it (as well as you kicking Cancers butt) xx
Pinkoddy recently posted..Shoulder to Shoudler to Day #S2S2D – Jar of Happiness
My heart bleeds for you, this is so hard. Keep holding on. Your twins won’t forget how much they love you. You won’t lose the bond. This is only a tiny percentage of the total time they have and will once again spend with you. And a few years from now they will have absolutely no recollection of this time.
xxx
Judith recently posted..Communication at Eight Months
Oh lovely! I can only imagine how hard that must be for you. For some reason I imagine you feeling like a ghost that can see, join in, but not touch. Like that old example of hell, sitting at a feast, but not being able to eat. It really must be hell to be on your shoes right now.
It must be incredibly hard for you and it pains me to think of how much you must be suffering. My own baby girl is nearly a year and constantly wants me to pick her up when I come into the room.
Keep talking to your lovely girls, keep telling them Mummy’s here, Mummy loves you and all this will be over soon xxx
Kate
Just Pirouette and Carry On…
Kate recently posted..Silent Sunday – 26th May 2013
Bless you! So sorry to read this, but it’s totally understandable that you’re feeling like this. Going for a walk is a great idea though. The exercise will help clear your mind and give you a little bit of energy and adrenaline to help you through. X
Sarah MumofThree World recently posted..No more bright clothes
It is only normal to feel this way, it must be so hard I can’t imagine. Look to the day when you run to them and pick them up, how incredible it will feel xxx
Lisa recently posted..The Last of the Baby Days – A First Birthday
Kiddo, you are only human. It must hurt like hell. You are every bit entitled to sob your heart out. And that’s okay. In the meantime, just know, we are ALL rooting for you.
Emma recently posted..Children’s poet laureate Julia Donaldson (2)
Of course you cry, half of us are crying too even reading it. The twins will forgive you, the bond won’t be broken, it’s more likely that in a months time you’ll be peeling them off so that you can have a minutes peace while you have a wee. They’ll be all over you and vice versa 🙂 x
Jenny @ TheBrickCastle recently posted..My Life According To…
I hope the next few days speed by so you can cuddle your girls again. Look after yourself lovely x x
Bex @ The Mummy Adventure recently posted..15 Things I Love
Emma, you are doing so so well in such an horribly difficult situation. Try and remember that they are so little in a few years they won’t even remember this time, unlike you. You are such an inspiration and you know a good cry every now and then is no bad thing. If I can do anything at all to help please just shout. Thinking of you x
Mum of One recently posted..Mondays Parenting Pin It Party #2
\It must be so hard! A bomd like that formed instensely over a year won;t be broken over such a realtively short time. You’re their Mum, you’ll always be their Mum & they’ll always love their Mum 🙂
JallieDaddy recently posted..Silent Sunday 26/5/13