That moment has come…
The moment that a lot of mothers dread, when their husbands are at work, and this happens. Your daughter comes down the stairs at bedtime crying. She tells you something that makes your blood run cold. Bile rises in your throat. Terror makes every hair on your body stand on end.
You know you have to be mature about this. You are the grown up. You mustn’t let your fear show. You must deal with this quickly, efficiently and rationally… but you can feel the lump in your throat and the tears stinging in the back of your eyes. You blink them away. You scold yourself “COME ON! BE A GROWN UP!”, but you are starting to itch.
Yes, there it is. Just two feet above your daughter’s pillow. Laughing at you. A big ugly black spider, lays in wait. Who will flinch first? It wants to wait until you are staring hard and starting to build up courage, then it will twitch a leg and you will almost wet yourself in fright. The bastard cat is sitting only a foot away, yet she is calm and collected and certainly has no intention of killing it! “COME ON! WHAT KIND OF CAT ARE YOU?” You are supposed to chase it, kill it and eat it! You are supposed to save the human race from creepy crawlies! I must have the only cat in the word that has no interest in anything that moves. She wont chase birds, or mice, or even spiders. The cat is happy. I, am not.
As a delaying tactic I give my daughter her cuddly rhino to hold (rather originally his name is “Rhino The Rhinoceros”). “COME ON! YOU STUPID BLOODY RHINO” – I tell my daughter you are there to protect her from scary things… DO YOUR FRIGGING JOB RHINO!
I ponder sending Bunny to sleep in my bedroom, but her room is a mess and if I take my eyes of this beastly creature, even for a second, it will surely think I am playing hide and seek… a game I will always lose, against this evil arachnid.
I contemplate whether or not I am strong enough to put a glass over it and remove it from her room that way? That was how my mother used to rescue me and my sister. If the husband were here, he would just pick it up with his hand and crush it. (I vomit in my mouth a little at the thought).
In the end I opt for the hoover. I know from experience this takes precision, skill and subtlety. If that eight legged freak gets a sense that the vacuum is heading it’s way, it will leg it! (oh what a hideous pun!). I edge slowly nearer to the bed, with the hand nozzle on it’s furthest reach. I adjust my foot by the “on” button. I adjust my grip. I take a step back. I adjust my foot again. and my hand. I’m aware I’ve been doing this for a good five minutes. “What if I miss?”
“No Emma, you CAN’T miss. If you miss you will have failed your five-year old daughter and the sp.. the sp… the (I can’t even say it)… will escape”.
I am now talking to myself in my head!
I lunge forward, kicking the foot pedal as hard as I can at the same time and UNBELIEVABLY I got the little shit the first time, he easily just slid down the pole into the hoover. I couldn’t believe my luck. I leave the hoover on for a bit. I’ve been told nothing can survive inside a vacuum, but you can never be too careful. I even bang the pole on the wall a bit just to make sure he’s not hanging on to the sides of the pipe (let’s see how the noisy neighbours like that shall we?). I tuck my daughter into bed, kiss her goodnight, and abandon the hoover in the hallway for the husband to empty when he gets home.
I am shaking and I feel sick but the deed is done. There’s nothing to be afraid of.
I am feeling proud and triumphant. I could shout “Whose the daddy?!”, but actually I’m not, I’m the mummy! Time for a big bowl of ice cream and a large glass of wine!
“No really Emma…There’s nothing to be afraid of!”
This was hysterical! I absolutely loved it! In our household its me telling my husband that there is nothing to be afraid of 😉
Yeah sorry about the stereotyping here! I have just as many male friends who are scared of spiders as I have female! lol. xx
Twinkle Mummy says
Oh my god you’re sooo brave!
Spud and Sprout are the kind of boys that on sighting a sp*der will chase it, kill it and eat it although unfortunately for the sp*der I think the killing it is secondary to eating it. Eek!
Probably the only time I’m thankful for having grubby little boys.
Twinkle Mummy recently posted..Babies Don’t Keep
Haha I knew I shoulda had boys! lol xx
Michelle | The American Resident says
I am not even remotely afraid of spiders but there are one or twoin m household who are and so I’ve seen a lot of this–but this is the most hilarious version of Spider Dread I have ever read! I loved this post, even as someone who doesn’t share the same feelings I could still totally get what you were saying. Great writing!
Michelle | The American Resident recently posted..Eat dirt!
Haha thanks. What a great compliment! 🙂
I’d love to not be afraid but growing up with an arachnophobe older sister, it was inevitable for me. I’m hoping that my daughters fear won’t evolve to be as bad as mine! Xx
Lol. I used to hate spiders, and be totally freaked out by them. My dad used to come over and removed them for me when I lived on my own. My friends all paid for me to go on a Spider Therapy day at London Zoo (I don’t think they do them anymore) and I actually ended up holding a huge and hairy beastie called Rosie, a red necked bird eating spider, by the end of the day. I’m now the official spider dispatcher in our house, my husband is from South Africa, and as far as he’s concerned anything with 8 legs is deadly, no matter how I assure that they’re not.
I have two tricks for catching them. Scoop them into a wine glass, they seriously can’t escape out of them, or if you’re really desperate (and am sure the cruelty to spider people will jump on me) use some hairspray… It freezes them. (I know, horrible, but I didn’t have a vacuum cleaner to hand when I first sussed this out)
My cats eat the spiders, but don’t fully eat them, the kitten tortures them and leaves half dismembered dying one’s all over the house, and the older cat chews them then spits them out. Disgusting!
I can’t bring myself to get close enough to do the wine glass thing! lol. I had a bad experience with using hairspray on a spider once. I sprayed it (thoroughly) and it ran away. I knew the hairspray would kill it eventually but I didn’t see where it went. Then a year later when i was moving house, I took a cuddly toy off of my wardrobe and on the back of the teddy’s head, i felt something hard. I could feel solid spindly legs. As I turned the teddy around I saw the spider skeleton stuck to the back of my teddy bear’s head… PRESERVED in hair spray! I cried and shook for ages because I’d touched it!
So whilst hairspray does kill them – i don’t like dead ones either and I like to know where they go! I need an instant kill, which is why I use the hoover. lol.
Cats are gross sometimes aren’t they – I wish mine would eat them!
Thankyou for your awesome comment 🙂 xx