Most of the time, I am a positive person, who can see the bright side of everything and I try my best to see the good in everyone. I try to be a good person and do things that help and inspire others, especially when it comes to my blog. But there are times, as some of my readers know, when it all just gets too much and I break down into a fit of depression. I’ve blogged about depression before, I’ve also blogged about cancer and depression and I’m sure I’ll blog about it again in some form.
Depression brings guilt. SO MUCH guilt. For not being a better person, for not feeling motivated enough to do anything useful. For letting people down. For not inspiring people. It brings extreme insecurity, self loathing and irrational thoughts.
The last few days, have been like that for me. I have been at the lowest point I can remember since being on the low iodine diet last year. I have quite frankly felt like I was losing the plot. One of the reasons is what I blogged about the other day, being near my due date for the baby I lost in an ectopic pregnancy.
But this morning, something happened which brought about a small and uplifting change.
As I was sitting at rock bottom, in floods of tears, feeling wretched and weak, I received a tweet from a stranger. Just four words. Four words that meant so much to me. They inspired me. They reminded me of who I can be. They motivated me to see a doctor for the abdominal pain I have been in for about two weeks. The kindness of a stranger. Four words.
“You are a warrior”.
This person, had seen this tweet (from a month ago) …
And replied with “You are a warrior”.
I tweeted back a thank you, and I received replies, telling me how strong I was.
Bearing in mind, that at the point in time when I was reading the tweet, I was the weakest I’ve been for a very long time… this exchange did something to me. It reminded me of all the fights I’ve won. All the things I’ve overcome. Not just Cancer, but other serious illnesses, miscarriages, ambitions, obstacles in my life, grief, a broken heart, broken friendships, physical and mental challenges, amongst so many other things too.
I questioned it.
Am I a warrior?
I never give up. No matter how low life kicks me, I always think that there is someone worse off. I always get up. Maybe I am a warrior?
After a few hours of thinking about this, I picked up the phone and I called my doctor. This afternoon, I saw my doctor and told her about the pain I was in, and that I was generally feeling low. It turns out, that the wound site from my large loop diathermy three weeks ago (to remove pre-cancerous cells from my cervix) is infected. The pain and a lot of the other problems I was having, were down to this. That wasn’t the end though. On top of my surgical infection, I also have a kidney infection. My doctor said that the combination of the two were bound to affect my mood, because I had been suffering for so long before seeing her. I felt so relieved, that had she not just had her fingers somewhere intimate, I could probably have hugged her!
I left with a prescription for 35 tablets which will hopefully, over the next week, restore me to full health and my normal happy positive self. And you know what? If I hadn’t had that tweet, I’m not sure I’d have even gone to the doctor.
So the moral of this story? Well there are several, depending on how you look at it. but the biggest for me is this… Four kind words can make a difference to someone’s life. Even a stranger.
So I challenge each of my readers to do the following two things after reading this post…
1) Ask yourself… “Am I a warrior?”. Think about all the things you have achieved/survived in your life. No matter how big or small. And be glad you got through them. YOU ARE A WARRIOR. And if you are feeling brave… share them in the comments on this blog. Tell me why YOU ARE A WARRIOR. Share the positivity. Be proud.
2) Pass on those four words. Or any four words. Or three, or five. Say something kind to someone. A friend, a relative, a stranger. Tell someone you are thinking of them and that they are strong.
I’m still feeling low, that’s not changed, but I am a little less low and I am feeling inspired. I am going to beat this.
I AM A WARRIOR
****Thank you to the kind stranger on Twitter, for making a difference****
I’m still fundraising for #EmmasArmy against Cancer. Please sponsor £1 or two. I walked 104 miles in 10 days and then I Marched on Cancer in Cardiff. #EmmasArmy is an awesome team of people doing spectacular things to raise money for Cancer Research UK. Help us meet our target.
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You are strong for surviving through what you have been through! I hope you feel better soon and that the dreaded dark cloud of depression lifts xx
Kirsty Hijacked By Twins recently posted..How Does Your Garden Grow? – Scotland
Emma you are so inspirational!! And its occurred to me that I don’t think I’ve ever commented on one of your blogs.. So here goes.
I am a warrior because I was very badly bullied all through my school life – right from reception to 6th form. It wasn’t physically bullying for the most part, it was being made to feel worthless and like I didn’t matter. I was told I was stupid, not talented (singing-wise), a freak…
But guess what? Somehow, after 13 years of being made to feel like I was a piece of dirt, I got a triple distinction BTEC in Musical Theatre. And now I have a 2:1 degree from Hull uni.
I still have moments of doubt when I think about my future career. Those niggling voices still come back and say “you’re not good enough” and “you’re a freak, nobody likes you”. I’m gradually learning to shut those voices out, because I really need to start loving myself and most importantly BELIEVING in myself. The power of words in incredible, and it’s weird how much damage they can do towards someone’s self-esteem..
I’m about to move to London to try and see if I can “make it”, because if I don’t try, I’ll never know!!! I AM A WARRIOR!! 😀
Wow, that was good to get off my chest!
Emma you are definitely a warrior, and a pretty strong one at that! I think I’m a warrior too, and after a bad day yesterday I’ve picked myself up, ready to go into battle again today. On our FB group for mums of children with PDA we have a song which helps… ‘Roar’ by Katy Perry helps get us through the tough times and I’d love it if you adopted it too 🙂
Stephs Two Girls recently posted..Siblings {November}
What a lovely tweet to have received and I am pleased it spurred you on to go to the doctor. I hope you feel better soon. You know what, you ARE a warrior and whenever I think of you (and am sure the same goes for many others) I do think of you as a fighter, an incredibly strong woman. You have been through so much it is hardly surprising that you have low points but you do come through them, stronger and tougher than ever. xx
Rachel recently posted..Decorating the lounge, again.
Thank you Emma – I guess I too am a warrior.
I’m sitting at work and everyone around me has no idea that I am 5 days away from taking yet another pregnancy test. I had a bleed this morning – it may be an implantation bleed, it may be the start of my cycle. All I know is that I have to keep on going.
I haven’t told my partner that I feel queasy, I want to protect him from the disappointment of a negative test. I’m putting his happiness ahead of my need for comfort and reassurance.
I did this last month and I’ll do it again next month if I have too.
We are all warriors, thank you for helping me see that x
You ARE a warrior. You are strong and inspirational, thank you for linking up with #loudnproud x
Mama Owl | Jooleroo recently posted..#LoudnProud For L
You are indeed a warrior. I hope that you feel much better soon
That is such a lovely and inspiring post. I’m so glad that little tweet helped you to take that small step to feeling better mentally and physically. You most certainly are a warrior! X
Sarah MumofThree World recently posted..A change of plan
I truly love this post, it is so heartfelt and raw (in a good way) and beautifully shows just how much of a difference a kind word, a quick smile, a simple acknowledgement can make.
As you’ll see from my commentluv, I just wrote a post entitled “Warrior” and it was via Twitter that someone told me to check you post out… and I’m so glad I did!
I am only just beginning to learn that I am a warrior… and that sometimes being a warrior means choosing not to fight, to step back, to surrender, to accept. I think that is most evident when we are battling depression… sometimes, accepting that something is wrong and surrendering the fight and asking for help, is the hardest thing we will ever do!
Amanda recently posted..Warrior
A warrior indeed, like I said at MADS, “an inspiration who never gives up” I’m not surprised you feel low when so much is thrown at you but you fight though, find the causes and move on, that’s what makes you a warrior.
Coombemill recently posted..B Organic This Christmas
Emma you most definitely are a warrior!! I have known you since year we were yr 10 so over a decade. I haven’t seen you in a while but I know you have been through the mill and back and you are still standing strong!! Ok I guess I am a warrior too So here goes I have battled depression since the age of 16 I have managed to come through it and lose over 12st on weight since my wedding day in 2009 and all because I am wanting to become a mother. I have Polycystic ovaries syndrome and the weight loss has helped this condition but after 6 yrs of trying I’m still yet to get my baby but I will power on through it remain positive and try to not let the negatives pull me in too my depression once again.
Thanks for letting me tell my story of why I am a warrior thanks for also making me realise I am one xx
What an inspiring post. You have been through so much. I love how the internet can really improve lives – the words of a stranger can change something awful into something so positive.
Mummy of Two recently posted..Your Christmas Library sorted thanks to Campbell – Book Reviews
You are definitely a warrior! And your words continue to inspire people, so keep writing them! 🙂 #loudnproud
Dean of Little Steps recently posted..A Very Wet and Windy Week
What a wonderfully positive post. You are a warrior. You have been through so much and are still here fighting. I am so glad that those words came through just when you needed to hear them most and that they spurred you on to go to the doctor and get checked out. I do hope that you are feeling better soon. Depression does bring so much guilt and I have struggled with it many times myself so your words really struck a chord with me too. Thank you so much for sharing this x
Louise recently posted..Friday Fabulous Five #11
It’s funny how someone you don’t know can say something that really leaves an imprint in our lives. I have a bit of a life rule where I always think about what I say/act to strangers as you never know what they are going through. I’m so glad these four words really helped you.
Thanks for linking up with Small Steps Amazing Achievements :0)
x
Jane recently posted..Our Weaning Journey – First Tastes Weaning