They say that it’s the early bird that catches the worm, well in this house it’s more a case of the early riser catches the bathroom! Being the only man in a house full, with a wife and 3 daughters, is at times challenging, sometimes borderline warzone and other times peaceful and tranquil. Admittedly the peace and tranquillity is only available during sleep time or those wonderful two days a week when the twins are at nursery and bunny is at school. I have learnt to deal with a lot since living with four women under my roof, but the one thing that continues to bug me and that I can only see getting worse is the endless quest for the legendary holy grail of all dwellings… the bathroom. If it’s not the wife using it as a makeshift cinema during one of her two hour bathing rituals or the “quick wee” office that consists of at least 30 minutes catching up on social media; then its almost definitely the twins or Bunny using it as some kind of magical waterpark! The bottom line is, whenever I want to use the bathroom I have not one, but four women, who apparently out-rank me in the bathroom stakes!
I don’t mind the ‘ladies first’ approach to life but sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do! I’m even at the stage now, where I find myself getting up every morning at 6am, just so that I can creep around the house and use the bathroom as much as I like for at least an hour! I’m a quick shower kind of guy, but even then I don’t get the peace and privacy I would like. The kids can unlock the door and just wander in whenever they feel like it. On the rare occasion that I try to have a nice soak in the bath and let the day’s stress soak away, I find myself face to face with either the twins examining me as though I’m an alien from outer space, Bunny sat on the toilet (whilst telling me all the latest gossip from school) or the wife telling me to hurry up as she wants a bath!
I guess what I really would like more than anything would be my own customised bathroom, specially designed around me! A place I can call my own and not have to stand in line waiting or face an audience, every time I need to relieve myself. I have often thought about what my dream home would consist of and amongst the usual essential rooms like a kitchen or a bedroom, I would also demand a ‘Man Room’. A place that was not only child free but also woman free! A place that I could really call my own with lavish extras like a massive TV, a gigantic beer fridge, a dartboard of course and, like a scene from a futuristic movie, a giant custom designed bathroom that floated down from the enormous ceiling in a flurry of flashing lights and dry ice, all set to the tones of 2001: A Space Odyssey! My bathroom would be perfect and consist of literally a massive round Jacuzzi type bath and an overhead monsoon shower with see through walls and a 10kw sound system, so that I could still watch the 50th repeat of Top Gear on Dave! As for the toilet facilities, well being a man, surely the bath/shower is just a massive toilet right? but if that’s not acceptable then at the touch of a button , a giant throne would rise up from the centre of the bath and lo and behold a toilet is ready and available.